Final post of the year

I have not truly been remiss in posting lately.  We have Xfinity for internet service and, not uncommonly, our service has been down.  I am so happy Steve has finally agreed to return to DirectTV and Fairpoint for internet.  Never, EVER had a problem with them, except the cost.  2012 is going to be a better year for us so I think starting with improved service would be a great idea. 

Anyway, the holidays are over.  YEAH!  Things got really crazy for a while there.  The families cannot seem to be in the same place at the same time so things had to be done in bits and pieces.  Aunt Sugie decided Christmas would be a great time to have her knee replacement revised so I have been running back and forth from the hospital and rehab trying to keep her on an even keel.  As a matter of fact, she called me during a family dinner last night to let me know she had to see the orthopedist this afternoon and thought it might be helpful to have me there.  Swell!  I have also been doing her laundry, which my sister took care of last time but for some reason is just not able to handle now, so I have been running that back and forth too.  I'm tired and feel totally unrested.  School starts (for work) on Tuesday, although Emily tells me she starts Monday.  My own classes start the following week and I still have not accomplished any of the things I was supposed to do during break.  Today is going to be a very busy day for me on the computer.

I have put off my work too.  The doctor is on vacation and I have, very much unlike me, put it off until now.  I knew I could not send it because there was no internet connection so I figured, why bother rushing to do it.  Now the internet is back and I plan to get all my computer work done today, before running off to the doctor with my aunt, but we will see how that goes.   I know more work is coming today and I hate to piggy-back it. 

As for my health, this has been a hard week.  One of my wounds has completely healed, as I believe I had mentioned earlier, but the other has not changed in four weeks.  I saw my surgeon on Tuesday and she was not at all happy with the discharge she was seeing or the fact that there appeared to be no healing.  She sent me to a plastic surgeon at Brigham & Women's Hospital, which is just across the bridge from DFCI.  Granted this surgeon squeezed me into his schedule but I felt like I had been steamrolled when he left the room.  He breezed in, pretty much on time so I will give him credit for that, shook my hand, said hello to my daughters, removed my packing and proceeded to tell me that I had four options -- 1.  I could continue with the packing and wait and see how long it would take for the wound to heal, pointing out that it could be months or even years for it to completely heal, and indicated that this would probably make radiation impossible.  2.  I could speak with my radiation oncologist and hope that they would consider doing radiation with the wound as it is, with the understanding, of course, that the wound would not heal during radiation and could likely get worse.  3.  I could have what they call a VAC procedure in which the wound is opened surgically, cleaned out, and reapproximated hoping for closure.  This procedure he pointed out was unlikely to be successful since breast tissue is made of mostly fat and fat is not easily reapproximated.  Best case scenario is that I would heal in 12 or so weeks, also making radiation unlikely to be possible.  Finally, 4.  I could undergo mastectomy.  Upon outlining my opyions he shook our hands and left the room.  GREAT BEDSIDE MANNER.  Luckily, as I was sitting in shock looking at my daughters and feeling helpless, his PA and MA came in to repack my wound.  The PA asked if I had any questions and I frankly told her that I felt more uncomfortable now that I had seen the doctor than I had when I came in.  She then apologized stating that usually they come in first and talk with the patient and then the doctor comes in afterwards.  She and I discussed the options again so I better understood what I was looking at.  They changed the way I would do the dressing changes and suggested I give the new dressings a couple of weeks to work and in the meantime contact my radiation oncologist to see if he would consider doing radiation.  That is a whole other story.  In the office that day, unfortunately it came down to the same thing...the first three options were not likely to be successful and I should probably ready myself for the inevitable, a mastectomy and breast reconstruction.  This certainly made for a tough night -- telling my husband we had just gone through an entire year of treatment only to end up where we had started, only cancer free this time.

As for the radiation oncologist, only a week or so ago I had received a letter from Dr. Jones letting me know that he was moving his practice to Augusta, Maine.  I would need to find a new doctor to treat me.  Knowing this I called his office and spoke to his nurse.  I explained to her what had been explained to me and she said she would speak with Dr. Jones and get back to me.  Later that afternoon she did just that and said Dr. Jones was not comfortable making such a decision knowing he would be leaving and he suggested that I make an appointment with the doctor who would be replacing him and see how she felt about the situation.  I did indeed make that appointment but will need to wait until January 9th for any answers in that realm.  In the meantime, I continue the new method for dressing changes and pray for the best. 

What I would really like for 2012 is for this to be over.  I would like to be healed.  I would like to be working more often.  I would like to finish my classes and get ready for my internship.  I would like to focus on being healthy overall.  I want to join a gym but know that there is simply not going to be enough money for that to happen.  I will have to be super-focused on achieving what I can with the equipment and videos that I have here at home.  I have to make me a priority and the rest will follow.  2012 is going to be a pivotal year in my life.  I will achieve my first year of being cancer free.  I will resolve this wound issue and I will get my health pointed in the right direction, taking care of me first.  This is my prayer and my goal.

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

PS -- Wishing the best for all who have touched my life. 

Happy Holidays everyone!

This is it...the final week before HanuChristmas.  I dragged up the menorrahs this morning and have the candles ready to go.  I have printed instructions on loading and lighting for Lauren (which she then left on the ottoman and forgot to grab her candles).   Latkes have been made and eaten even though Hanakahh has not started yet.  Hanukkah presents have been bought and wrapped and we are ready to get started.  So to my Jewish family and friends...Happy Chanukah! 

As for Christmas, the ham has been purchased and we will be setting up for a small family brunch on Christmas Day.  Christmas Eve will involve sending daughter #2 off to visit with the new boyfriend's family and daughter #1 is doing something with the boyfriends family or friends (I stopped listening for the details).  Steve and I are going to visit with his brother for a little while and I am hoping to maybe go out for a nice dinner or something as a couple before all the craziness starts. 

My mother called to let me know my baby brother is in the hospital with double pneumonia and the flu.  What a way to spend the holidays.  Luckily he seems to be making good progress and I will certainly keep him in my thoughts.  Hopefully he will be home for Christmas. 

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

I GIVE UP!!!

I have very little patience left given the holiday seasons and my daughter is treading on my last nerve!  It is unbelievable to me that someone can be so smart and yet so clueless.  Where did she learn to be so entitled.  It is not like we have given her everything she wants and it's not like she gets to make the decisions in this life.  How can she have four accidents in four months and still claim "It's your fault for making me drive the truck"?  Where the hell did we go wrong with this one?!  I see glimpses of goodness from time to time and I think -- Yes she is going to be okay.  Then she has an incident that is COMPLETELY her fault and she cannot accept the responsibility for it!  Tell me again why I became a parent.  429 days until she turns 18.

The holidays are marching along and I feel completely wiped out and overwhelmed.  I have only been working one day a week so it's not like that is the issue.  I just feel completely drained.  I am so tired of EVERYTHING.  I have no energy left for getting through the day.  I could use a week away at a spa. 

On the health front, one of my wounds has healed.  The other is making progress.  However, progress is slow.  I have to devote one day a week to the wound clinic and, until this week, one day a week to going into Boston to visit with them.  I then spend the other days trying to manage work, home, and a daughter who has no sense of responsibility -- sorry I am getting off track again.  Anyway, at least school is over for now and I can get to bed at a reasonable hour, which this week has been 8:00.  Up at 5:00, down at 8:00 -- what a life.

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

Quick blog

I have been on my computer ALL DAY so I am tired and want to get a cup of tea.  I wanted to keep everyone informed though on the progress this week.  It has certainly been a long week, or at least it seems long to me.  Boston went well.  They were not concerned at all about the wound since everything looked like it was healing well.  It might just have been a ridge of healing tissue that sealed the tunnel.  When it was checked at the wound clinic they simply poked through and realized it was deeper than they thought -- but healing well.  The only thing I want to hear is that it is healing well.  The second wound in the axilla is healed.  It looks like I have a belly-button underneath my arm but I really don't care as long as it is healed.  I will continue to work on getting the other healed ASAP.

Classes are over for the semester and I am still sporting a 4.0.  I really love face-to-face classes rather than online.  It is just a better fit for my learning style.  Now I am off until mid-January.  PHEW.  I am going to relax a bit. 

The holidays are approaching fast.  I have tried shopping but I just can't seem to get excited about spending money that it takes me so long to earn.  I have had to spend a lot of time in kindergarten lately and I will tell you 3 hours with these guys is like an entire day with middle schoolers.  Unfortunately this week I have not been able to come home and take a nap.  It was a busy week and I am glad it is behind me!  I will try to enjoy today and the rest of the holiday season.  You too!

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

It's getting old!

This whole deal of taking care of my wound and going to the doctors is getting really old really fast!  I just want to get back to my life.  When I visited the wound clinic on Friday they told me the wound in my underarm was healing fantastically.  However, the wound on my breast had doubled in depth.  I am so frustrated!!  Here I am thinking everything is going really well and now I find out we are twice as far away from being healed than we were a week ago.  Now I get a call from the surgeon and they want to see me ASAP, just to take a look at things.  I almost wish I could cut the damned thing off and leave it with them so they could look at it all they want and I could get on with my life.  I had to take yet another day off to accommodate their curiosity.  I have changed techniques for taking care of this wound more times than I would care to say.  I wish we could just leave it alone and let it heal.  I am never going to get to radiation at this point. 

Beyond that today was a pretty productive day.  The grocery shopping got done.  I submitted my final exam for my math class.  I chose my book for discussion during class for reading and my critical task for that class was submitted over the weekend.  Now all I have to do is show up tomorrow and Thursday and I will get a few weeks off.

Thursday is going to be another busy day too.  I have to go to the wound clinic first thing in the morning.  For lunch I am going out with a friend, my father, stepmother, and hopefully my husband at Julia's, which is the restaurant at the school that Emily goes to.  I am very excited about this.  After that I will come home once again and wait around for a bit before I have to head off to school.  Friday, hopefully, I will be able to work and I will have a much calmer day.

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

Sometimes I forget...

There are days that I do not think about having cancer that often.  Today was one of those days.  I woke up early, as usual, and walked the dog.  It was warmish, not at all like a typical November day here in New England.  After that I had breakfast with the hubby and sent him off to work.  Emily was the next to head out the door and then I relaxed with the dog and my cup of coffee.  Everything seemed totally "normal."  Later I went out to pick up my transcription and go to the bank.  Again, everything seemed totally "normal."  I had an assignment at school this afternoon and took care of that, no problems (except my wig, which did not want to stay on my head).  I didn't think about my doctors or taking care of my boo-boos until someone at school asked me how I was feeling.  I said I felt terrific and couldn't wait to start radiation and get this adventure over with.  That was around 3:30 this afternoon.  It was nice to have a day when I was not focused on my illness and could just be me. 

The cold set in later this afternoon, but that was okay.  I actually did a walking work out and then completely finished my transcription.  I also got a call for an assignment tomorrow already too.  I might just forget tomorrow about my issues too.  We will have to see how I feel when I wake up. 

Christmas is coming and I do feel a little blue this year.  Lauren is gone and nothing is the same.  I have tried to do some decorating and cooking but I still feel like there is a hole that I need to fill.  No work, the kids are growing up, and the weather is warmish.  It just didn't feel right.  I think I am going to do some shopping tomorrow before I have to go to work and hopefully that will help get me in the mood.  I miss my family, who are spread all over the place at this point, and we are just not close.  Unfortunately there is too much water under the bridge for us to ever be a close family again.  Some of us find it too hard to forgive past injuries and continue to let the past ruin the present day.  Too bad the present isn't good enough that they have to reach back to feel something.  :(

Anyway, I will keep plugging along -- try to keep the spirit up and look forward to more days that I almost forget that cancer had taken over my life.  2011 is almost over and I look forward to a much better 2012.

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

Lots to be thankful for

My older daughter pointed out that she had been checking my blog only to notice that it had been a while since I had posted.  Shame on me!  It seems that since I went back to work the days have flown by and I find myself resisting any contact with my computer.  To add to this, we are on Thanksgiving break from school, which makes it equally tempting to resist contact with the computer.  Anyway, for Lauren, I am posting a few thoughts about how things are going.

The cancer is gone, as I have mentioned.  The wounds are healing nice, after a scary bout with lymphedema (I thought I had another cancer for a while there).  I now know the swelling is caused by excess fluid because of the abscess and surgeries.  I know that I need to stay well hydrated and massage any areas that tend to become enlarged and dimpled.  The biopsy for the second cancer was completely negative.  The wicks are still in place and are draining "nicely."  I guess I am doing a great job keeping things clean and progressing towards healing.  The surgeon expects that I should be healed and able to do radiation within the next month.  LET'S HOPE SO!

As for everything else, I feel great!  I am grateful to have assignments again and am eager (most days) to jump in the car and drive to whereever it is I have been assigned.  The kids have been great and the teachers are so supportive.  I have even done a school that I have only been at once, before the cancer diagnosis.  It was a good day.   This week I have a much more open schedule and look forward to taking as many as four assignments.  We will have to see how it goes.

The holidays are slipping by.  Halloween is a distant memory.  Thanksgiving is done.  I have started to make plans with the family for Hanukah and Christmas will follow soon.  I started shopping only a little.  Today is Black Friday and I refuse to become involved in the chaos of the day.  I have decided to devote my time to getting my transcription done, doing some homework, and getting caught up on e-mails and blogs that I have been avoiding.  By the end of the day I am sure I will feel like I have accomplished much.

Tomorrow our friends are coming from Portland to spend the day.  We will make some of our Christmas gifts and spend some time catching up.  It has been quite a while since we have been able to get together.  THIS is what the holidays are about, not the presents! 

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

Life trods along

So, here's the scoop.  I found skin changes and truly believed they were inflammatory breast cancer, which would a second cancer on the same breast.  After a truly emotionally charged week I saw the nurse at the surgeon's office in Boston yesterday.  First, though, I had an ultrasound.  The ultrasound revealed no fluid collections, only some skin thickening and the dimpling that was my concern in the first place.  They could not (would not) confirm or deny the possibility of IBC.  They suggested I speak with the NP that afternoon.  They did suggest that I might consider having a mammogram or MRI though, which left me just as unsettled as I was before I arrived for the ultrasound.  Luckily my friend, Trish, went to Boston with me.  Since there was lots of time before my appointment with the nurse we went to lunch, which is always very pleasant at DFCI.

Now, for the visit with the nurse.  She was amazingly wonderful.  I would expect nothing less from DFCI.  We were laughing right from the start.  She did the examination and poked and prodded and moved and bounced and pushed and... my breast all over the place.  Truly, I do not remember the last time they saw that much action!  In the end she did a skin biopsy (only because she could tell that this would be the only thing that would help me get some sleep that night) and reassured me that she expected negative results.  She was truly unimpressed by the whole concept but, out of the need to protect her license from a malpractice suit, she did say that she could not entirely rule out the possibility of IBC but she highly doubted it.  I did leave feeling better about the situation and made sure to put the prescription for antibiotics into the pharmacy so I could start first thing this morning. 

I am going to be on high alert.  I know this.  Every bump or change in my body will raise red flags and anxiety.  I have to try to remember to address each issue while trying to remember that the chemotherapy I had sent the fluids throughout my body to search out and kill any cancer cells that drifted from the original site.  They did not find any indication at surgery that this had happened, but one never knows and must be suspect.  I need to make changes in my lifestyle that will ensure complete recovery and nonrecurrence.  I will get to radiation eventually and that will be the insurance policy that I need mentally to breathe a little bit easier. 

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

I'm scared!

I went back to work on Friday.  It was amazing to be back in the classroom.  I have an assignment this afternoon and tomorrow afternoon.  This is not why I am scared, however.  Last night when I was changing my dressings I noticed that the left breast was much redder than the right and when I looked closer there was dimpling...like an orange peel.  Now, since I have been a medical transcriptionist for 20 (million) years I know this is not normal appearance for skin.  Since this is the same breast that the cancer was in makes me even more anxious.  My first instinct was that this was from edema and that it would resolve over the next day or two but since the last time I decided to rely on my strategy of waiting I was diagnosed with cancer I decided to do some checking.  First thing I checked was inflammatory breast cancer.  I knew the presentation involved redness and dimpling.  Unfortunately I could not get a good enough picture to put my mind at least.  Therefore, I did the next best thing...I called the last doctor I had seen (the wound clinic).  They could not see me this morning and I did not want to give up my assignment for this afternoon so they suggested I call my PCP, which I did, and I went in to see her.  She reassured me that it did not look like the cases of inflammatory breast cancer that she had seen in her training.  She looked worried though and is sending me for an ultrasound so I know it is not a simple case of edema.  I must practice my newly acquired skills of thinking completely positive, not worrying (which I really suck at), and being patient.  I will be back at the wound clinic Friday and hopefully by then this will all be a bad memory!

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

Things are going to be different

I am going back to work.  I have discharged the VNA.  I visited the wound clinic this morning and have learned to take care of my wounds.  The care plan is different from what I had previously and I will have to change the drains everyday myself.  This is a little concerning to me but I am guessing that after a few days this will be old tricks.  The materials we are using are a little different too.  They look the same but contain different "ingredients" to encourage wound healing.

I am excited and nervous about going back to work.  It is time.  I have been out too long and the coffers are getting low.  Even though I am still healing it is important to the well-being of my family that I start contributing financially again.  I wish my hair had grown back a little bit more so I wouldn't have to wear the wig when I go in but it hasn't so off I will go with the bright blond locks.  I'm sure it will be fine.  It will certainly be nice to be working with kids again!

As for other things...we missed Halloween and trick-or-treating because of a big snowstorm and power outage.  They have rescheduled for Saturday but I am guessing that there will not be as many kids and that, well, it's just not the same!  Thanksgiving is going to happen for my family Sunday, 11/13 because of scheduling issues and prior commitments.  We will then visit with my father and stepmother on Thanksgiving.  I'm guessing we will be pretty sick of turkey by that time.  From there we are on to HanaChristmas.  I am so not ready to begin thinking about that.  No money means very few gifts this year!  I am hoping to get enough subbing to at least make it memorable. 

In the meantime, there is school.  Things are going okay but it seems like just as I get into a course it is time to pick the next ones.  I have picked my classes for next semester already, which means I only have three classes left (and an internship) before I am done with my masters.  I have to start thinking about where I would like to do my internship so I can present options to the Dept. of  Ed.  I still need to write an essay for my application too.  I thought I had it done but I can't seem to locate it.  It will just need to be done again. 

Anyway...

Kim :~)

Did I mention...

My baby girl had her first major accident this week.  She backed into someone's truck.  It was a total accident and could have happened to anyone, but it happened to her.  This will change her life.  Luckily there was no one in the truck and she did not get hurt.  However, her pocketbook is going to be empty for the next five years (if she's lucky it will only be for five years).  Worst case scenario is that she will not be able to afford this little life lesson and she will need to give up her keys.  Steve has given her two months to find a job with more hours so she can afford her expenses.  We are certainly not going to pay them for her and just let her go about her life as if she has no responsibilities.  Didn't happen with Lauren, not going to happen with Emily.

In other news, the holidays are upon us.  Halloween is Monday.  The house is decorated (barely) and the candy is in the foyer.  I look forward to sugaring up the neighbor's kids and sending them on their way, just like the neighbors did for me for so many years.  No costume for me this year.  I just don't feel the importance of it anymore.  Emily is going to a dance tonight but that (and trick-or-treating) is the extent of our festivities. 

Next comes Thanksgiving.  We have made plans with Lauren and Jon to have Thanksgiving here on the 13th.  I didn't want her to feel pressured to be here on the day, or to go to Grampa and Nana's.  It would be nice if she could stay home and enjoy the holiday as she would like to.  I certainly don't want to be the demanding in-law who insists on having things done my way, or the way they always were.  I am certainly open for something different!

I am not sure about Christmas yet.  I will get back to that later.  I am sure we will set the tree up and put up some decorations but I really don't think I am going to do all the pine boughs and lights like we have in the past.  Simplify and enjoy is my new moto.  Again, that doesn't need to be decided right now!

All is well and I am keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

Good news / bad news

It seems you can't have one kind of news without the other.  The good news first.  I am cleared to return to work and normal activities.  No restrictions of any kind.  I hope this will trigger something in my mind to get more active.  I have spent so much time on the couch doing nothing that I think getting the motivation to get back into anything is going to be tough!

Now the bad news.  Since I will return to work I can no longer have the VNA come in and take care of my dressings.  I have to look into a wound clinic.  I have no idea how to go about doing that and I certainly can't pack the dressings myself.  Well, I could if I really had to but the angle is all wrong and I am likely to do more damage than good. 

Otherwise, this has been a pretty good day so far.  It is a nice fall day.  My trip to Boston was uneventful.  To the best of my knowledge Emily didn't hit anything with the truck.  Steve made it to work safely and all my homework is done for tonight's class.  Now I just have to get my transcription done and maybe I can start on the math homework for Thursday.

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

This is not what I expected

Isn't it funny...especially for those of us who have always planned out every little aspect of our lives...how things don't always go as you planned.  Take this cancer thing, for example.  When I first got the diagnosis I thought I would get treatment and then move on with my life.  I was going to be in charge and I was going to make the experience what I thought it should be.  How funny that things didn't go as I planned.  Luckily I can say I am cancer free at this point.  I am a survivor.  I did lose my hair.  I did not lose weight like I thought I would.  I was not sick like I thought I would be.  I was tired.  I did have physical discomforts.  I really had no pain (except the hemorrhoids) except when I got the infection.  It was painful to raise my arm.  It was excruciatingly painful to try to lie on my stomach.  No matter how I tried to sleep, it was not always happening.  I could nap during the day, but usually only for 20 minutes or so.  I am not really in charge of this process. 

What I have learned so far...  First, no one gets an easy ride where cancer is concerned.  Symptoms are different for each of us but no one comes out of this unscathed.  This year is lost to me as far as my plan is concerned.  I did accomplish some of the things I set out to do but others will never be accomplished now.  I have missed a year of teaching.  I cannot get that back.  It appears likely that I will not return to teaching until next year given that I still have to wait for this infection to completely heal and then have radiation before I can return to the classroom, although that is not entirely clear yet.  The things on my checklist; i.e., chemo, surgery, radiation, cannot be checked off in my time frame.  I must wait until healing happens.  I have also learned that my agenda is not as important as the one God has for me.  At this point I have to listen and pay attention to what comes next.  Doors have closed.  I have to find the open window. 

Thank you to my family and friends once again.  I could never have made it through without you.  Thank you to Bubba, Katie, Maddie, Bubbles, and Monsta!  It is amazing how much joy pets bring into your life and how much support they offer in their own way. 

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

Little sad today

I am starting to feel the winter doldrums.  I know it is very early but I was thinking about Christmas today (I was cleaning the floors and was doing the spot where the Christmas tree stands every year) and I realized that Lauren would not be home this year for Christmas morning and probably would not be again.  There was always the four of us Christmas morning to open presents and stockings and now there will just be the three of us.  It will be funny (strange funny, not ha ha funny) but it is nice to be developing new routines with just me and Em and hubby too.  Emily always wanted to be an only child!

Today is a beautiful fall day.  I have gotten my work done and it is ready to deliver to the doctor in the morning.  I finished my homework for class tonight last night so I don't have to worry about that.  As I mentioned earlier, I cleaned the floors this morning.  I have dishes this week and they are done.  I think I might just get started on my homework for Thursday since I seem to be on such a productive roll.  I have three chapters to read and they are long and boring.  I think if I can do a chapter a day it might not seem so bad. 

As for the battle, I am still healing a wound that I am told might take months to heal.  It was suggested to me that adding vitamin D and extra zinc might help things along.  I think I will also look at my homeopathic catelog to see if there are any products in there for boosting immunity and aiding wound healing.  I am still waiting for the nurse to arrive today (it's now 1:30 pm) to change the bandages and clean the wounds.  I changed them this morning anyway so I'm not in any rush for them to get here.  There has been a different nurse every other day so I have had many opinions offered about how to best treat this.  After a couple of frustrating days with increased bleeding and drainage I finally called my surgeon this morning to see what she suggested.  She wants to go with the original plan and let the "friable tissue" heal.  Luckily there does not appear to be any goopy drainage to be particularly worried about and it looks like I just have to wait out the healing.  In the meantime, though, I cannot work (in schools) and this is terribly frustrating to me.  Radiation also cannot start until everything is healed.  Again, frustrating.  I will continue to do what the doctors tell me though so I can be completely better.

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

A gift

I believe every day is a gift.  We always assume that we will have tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that but really who knows? !  I forged through my life like a freight train for the most part.  I was always in a hurry to get to the next thing, whether it be finishing school, getting married, buying a house, having kids, etc. etc. etc.  It is nice to just enjoy a beautiful day and all the things that happen in it.  I am 44 years old and am just learning how to put the brakes on and enjoy right now.  I might not have tomorrow, realistically. 
I have a job, for which I am grateful.  I have been called to sub a couple of times already this year (although I have been unable to do so because of my infection and appointments).  My transcription continues to support me in the meantime.  I should be doing that right now but I figured I would take a couple of minutes, clear the e-mails, and put some thoughts down on how I am feeling today. 

I have been blessed to have had such a good course of treatment that led to me being cancer free.  I am not too happy about this infection I am fighting but overall it is the biggest complication that I have had.  Yes I lost my hair.  Yes I was tired during chemo.  No I did not always feel wonderful.  I really disliked having to give myself the injections to keep my blood counts up.  No I didn't like having to travel into Boston every week so I could have "rehabilitative fluids" pumped through my body.  I am SOOOOO glad that is over.   Radition cannot begin until this infection clears but I see that as being the end of this journey for me, treatment-wise.  I know there are a lot of feelings and experiences that will come after.  Today I am only focusing on clearing this infection and doing whatever it will take to do that.  Antibiotics end today.  The visiting nurse repacked the wounds and hopefully this will draw out the remaining infection so I can completely heal.  Then...on to radiation.

My family has been great throughout this whole thing.  They have been patient with my meltdowns (especially hubby who has been especially supportive when I cry my eyes out for no particular reason) and the kids have looked for ways to help too.  Both have mentioned activities they have taken on that will raise awareness of breast cancer and help support research.  Emily wants to do the big walk but we will see how that goes.  I nag them constantly about remembering to do their breast self-exams, along with anyone else who will listen. 

I feel the need at this point to get back to work, not just today but in general.  I miss the classroom terribly and look forward to that first day I can say YES.  I have broadened my base of schools I will go to so that I can be busier (once I clear the infection/radiation hurdle).  I expect 2011 will close out before I am completely free to return to my new normal.  However that happens, I am grateful that I am still here, still breathing, healthy, and able to return to work.  I will have my own contract before too much longer so for now I will enjoy the ability to say yes or no any particular day when asked if I am free. 

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

It's funny

I thought hearing the words "cancer free" would end this journey for me emotionally.  Unfortunately I am not superwoman, superwife, or supermom.  My body is human and I must respect the limitations it has.  I developed a major infection in my lumpectomy wound and required incision and drainage (another surgery).  Since then I have had to have VNA come into my home on a daily basis to change the bandages.  I have two drains in the wounds that continue to leak fluid.  I have never seen anything as disgusting as this.  I cannot even look at it without getting the dry heaves -- which is why I am a teacher and not a nurse.  Still, healing is occurring and things look better than they did a week ago.  I am certainly more comfortable and there are no signs of infection at this time.  Thank God!!!

It is funny how long this journey has been.  I expected once I hopped on treatment that time would fly by and then it would be over.  It appears that this is going to be a bit longer than I anticipated.  My 2011 will be gone before I am healed.  Radiation will likely need to be put off a couple of weeks, which brings the end of that to December rather than November.  Hopefully no further surgeries will be required and the drains will do the jobs, allowing the abscess to close and heal completely.  What an idiot I was for thinking that I could hop back into my life as before with no concerns about what I had been through.

I am sad too.  I have not been able to work in almost six months.  It appears I will not be able to work for at least another two months, maybe three.  I am grateful that I have my transcription to fall back on so I have at least a little money coming in to pay my bills.  I don't know where I would be if I didn't have at least that.  I miss being in the classroom.  I miss interacting with the kids.  I miss exchanging ideas with the teachers and learning new strategies.  Patience is the only hope at this point.  I know there is a plan.  I must simply be patient while it plays out.

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

Some thoughts about recent events

I have had my first official "set-back" and I am glad it happened.  It is so easy once you have been given the no cancer label to try to jump back into your old life and expect to be able to do everything, as before.  This is not the case.  I forgot that just because I am cancer free it does not mean I did not have cancer.  I still have to allow myself to heal so that I can be healthy once more.  Needless to say I forgot this and developed an infection, a bad one from what they tell me.  I had to be admitted to the hospital and have another surgery to drain the abscess that had developed.  I was less than thrilled about the prospect of having to put my life on hold once again for this demon called cancer.  Luckily the surgery went well and things are draining nicely (it's disgusting to look at but as long as it works).  I had to spend a couple of days in bed contemplating my situation.  The reality at this point is that I cannot do everything I want to do.  I cannot lift laundry baskets just because they are there.  I have to rely on others and if something doesn't get done when I want it to then that is just the way it is going to be!

I am questioning my faith in those around me too.  Just because I feel particularly strongly about something doesn't mean that you shouldn't do what you think is right.  Should we have had dinner for the family last night just because I insisted or should those around me have said NO because it would be in my best interest?  I am unsure.   Anyway, we did have dinner and now there is a huge mess staring me in the face that I cannot do anything about.  It creates a little anxiety.

Finally, school.  I missed school this week.  I have never missed school for anything, even when I was completely exhausted and feeling nauseous.  I made this decision, though, that I need to rest and traveling an hour to and from school was not in my best interest.  I had enough trouble driving into Plaistow this morning to get my antibiotics.  I am going to try to stop and think before I do anything and make sure that it is really as important as I think it is.  I certainly do NOT want to end up back in the hospital because I was too stubborn to put myself first.

Keeping the faith!
Kim :~)

Went camping again last night

Today I am tired.  Last night we went up to camp and spent the night with Steve's brother and family.  We were up until midnight, which for us is like missing two nights of sleep.  (We aren't as young as we used to be.  We aren't eating dinner at 4:30 yet, but we're not too far off!)  We left the girls home alone and went away.  This I would say is progress. 

Let me tell you about the night.  First we are now at mid-September.  Mentally we are preparing for our long haul into winter.  I have made our first purchase of winter pellets for heating and have sparked up the pellet stove to make sure no repairs are needed before it is needed.  I was very impressed with the 6-degree climb in temperature in an hour, although Steve cautions me that this is "normal" when the temperatures are not that cold.  Whatever...I was excited.  We have had beautiful weekends lately, or weekends that were totally rained out and miserable.  THIS weekend we had our first overnight dips in temperature to below 40 degrees here in Newton.  We were in Sanbornton, which is in the Lakes Region of New Hampshire.  What this means is that temperatures as a rule are 5 to 10 degrees cooler.  Needless to say, we cuddled for warmth overnight.  I woke up in the wee hours of the morning praying to make it through to daylight and cuddled closer to hubby for added warmth.  We survived the cold night and woke to light the fire for our guests and began making breakfast.  That's one cold night under the belt!  We were supposed to stay tonight too, but we came home early.  Seriously, you can only prepare for winter's coming so fast. 

Anyway, we are home now and I would like to get some work done.  First, of course, I need to check e-mail, check in on Facebook, post a blog, and mentally prepare to invest the next three to four hours inserting test results into psychological reports.  Life sometimes is just way too exciting for me to deal with.   No, I have not forgotten about my cancer battle but since I have won the status of cancer free I felt I could spend a little time not focusing on it.  The bald head sometimes makes that difficult but I am certainly getting there.  I had an amazing night out with my husband and our guests.  We got to have two dinners out this weekend so far and reality has to hit eventually, right.  I have one more e-mail account to check and then I will get onto my responsibilities.  But, then again, it is getting on towards evening and I do have to think about what I will be making for dinner.  The sun is going down and the temperature is dropping again (I have the goosebumps to prove it!) so I might, just might, find myself way too distracted to get much done this evening.  Who knows?!

Thanks to Steve, Glen, Jessica, Owen, Devin, Tyler, and Kayleigh for such an awesome break from reality!

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

Not sure what to do now

Okay, so now the cancer is gone.  My surgeon is delighted.  I am beside myself with you.  Everyone has sent along congratulations and best wishes.  Now I am at a loss...  I have been fighting this battle for seven months now.  I still have pain from surgery.  The scars are there and will be always.  I have it in my head that I am battling cancer, but the battle is over.  What do I do with myself?  Okay, so the battle is not completely over.  I still have to get clearance from my oncologist, whom I will see tomorrow, and I need to complete radiation.  When exactly do I start thinking like a "normal" person again and not constantly worrying about the next doctor visit or test result.  Will normal ever really be normal?

I was at DF yesterday to see my surgeon.  I drove myself into the hospital.  As I was waiting for the elevator a woman came in who was obviously very anxious and agitated along with a friend (who had obviously driven and was there for support).  They chatted back and forth while waiting for the elevator about how they weren't sure where they were going.  I asked and apparently she was there to register so I directed her and offered support.  It was strange, like a full-circle moment. 

As for now, I continue to work on my transcription and hope to get a phone call to sub at a school.  I did get a call yesterday (while I was in Boston) but I know that it is still early.  I am sure that before long I will be focused on subbing and getting back to work, as well as back to school, and I will think less and less about my diagnosis and treatment and will focus on the future.  For now I feel like I am in limbo and not sure which way to turn.  Just for now I am going to focus on the good results treatment has given me and how happy I am that I will have a future with my family.

Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim

Surgery results are in...

There is NO EVIDENCE OF CANCER!  This is amazingly awesome news for me! 

I have been busy making phone calls and letting loved ones know the great news.  I still have to have radiation (for insurance regarding recurrence) but I will take each dose with the assurance that I am that much closer to getting back to my new normal life.  I have much to be grateful for and I have much goodness to spread.  I am not sure what is coming in the future but I certainly know that I have an new appreciation for living in the moment and enjoying it for what it is.  New challenges are on the horizon and hopefully I will be able to practice patience as they unfold. 

My kids are healthy.  My husband is healthy.  My pets are healthy.  I am healthy.  Today was a beautiful day and tomorrow promises to be even better.  Although winter is coming quickly I think I will welcome it with relish this year.  I am definitely going to be looking for those snowshoes I have been putting off getting for about five years now.  It is something I have always wanted to do and I certainly am not going to put it off any longer.  Who knows how long I (or any of us really) have to put things off.  No more excuses!

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

9/6/2011

This is a day to remember!  Emily got her license today and has started driving on her own.  I am very proud of her and also terrified.  She is a good driver but can be a bit impulsive and sometimes overly cautious.  It will be interesting to see how things go in the next few weeks!

As for me, it has been a long day.  The feel of fall is in the air.  It has been rainy and cool all day and the whole day started with Emily's trip to the DMV.  We then went to lunch to celebrate her success and then I came home and got right to work!  I feel like I have been on the keyboard all day, but everything is done now.  I just have to send it on it's way.

It has been one week since surgery.  I, once again, have been extremely lucky.  I felt almost normal right from the start of my postop period.  I have had very little pain and there has been no complications with the incisions.  Today, however, I have had some pain.  I took my Tylenol and moved on with my life but I am definitely aware that something is different in my arm and breast.  Everything looks normal but it is a little tender when I move.  The Steri-strips are starting to fall off and I am getting a look at the incisions.  They look like typical healing surgical incision marks.  Nothing special.  I have one more week before I have to return to Boston for postop checkups.  I am looking forward to these since that means the bandages will be off and I will be able to take a bath once again.  I like showers but I LOVE baths. 

More later...

Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim

Saturday again

My life is so routine!  All week I get up at 5:00 to walk the dog and get the hubby off to work, following which I settle on the couch and go back to sleep for a couple of hours.  I do transcription on Monday, Thursday, and Saturday unless I have something exciting planned for the weekend.  Every Saturday I spend the morning working and then we go back and forth for the rest of the weekend about what we want to get involved in.  Today is no exception.  Actually, Steve got up early this morning to take the car to the dealership so that he could get it checked.  Now he is working on the other car trying to get that fixed.  Will the excitement ever end?  As for me, I have done my work.  I have Facebooked friends.  Now I blog. 

What I would like to do today is hop in the car and find some place to take a nice hike, or go to the beach and watch the waves come in.  I don't want to clean my house.  I do NOT want to scrub the bathrooms again this weekend.  I do not want to do laundry.  I want to go out and enjoy a weekend, somehow. 

School is done for a couple of weeks.  (Got As in both the classes I just finished).  I ordered my books yesterday and now must wait for the new classes to start.  Lauren goes back to classes next week.  I don't start until the 19th.  It seems like a long time from now.  I guess the best thing I could do is to enjoy the break and get myself ready for the winter commuting that is going to come way sooner than we want it to.  Maybe I will talk Steve into taking the convertible out today, providing he drives.  I can handle the automatics right now, even though sometimes that hurts too, but I know I cannot drive the standard.  Hopefully next time I blog I will have something exciting to share. 

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

My new place...

I dreaded surgery.  Now it is over and I am home healing.  This puts me in a new place emotionally.  I have successfully completed chemo.  I have had, from what I am told, great results from the surgery with no evidence of tumor being found (although final results will come in two weeks).  I am cautiously optimistic in saying that I am cancer free at this time.  The surgery was not as painful as I had expected.  I came home Tuesday night and fell right to sleep (I am guessing this was an effect of the anesthesia.) and woke up first thing yesterday morning ready to go!  I was forced, however, to remain on the couch all day and rest.  My daughers and my neighbors kept checking in to make sure I was not trying to do anything that I was not supposed to.  I did not lift anything with that arm.  I did stuff a couple of loads of laundry through the washer and dryer and made dinner, but nothing much beyond that. 

Today I am a little sorer than yesterday.  There is a bit of pressure, but they said that would happen.  I have one more day before I can shower and get the incisions wet.  Luckily I am not doing anything that makes me sweat too much so I don't feel yucky!  I am a little stiff, however, in the joints -- probably from sitting and waiting so long before surgery.  They had me come in for 8:00 a.m. and I did not have surgery until almost 4:00 p.m.  That was a very long day.  We didn't leave the hospital until 8:00 p.m.  Poor Stevan!

For today I am still taking it easy.  I spent the morning on the couch and now I am doing my transcription.  I will check all my e-mail accounts and respond where I can and when Emily gets home I will hang with her for a bit.  Very exciting life I am leading!

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

How frustrated can I be?!

Today was one of THOSE days!  I had to go to Boston for my preop work.  I also had the last PET scan for the trial I enrolled in.  I worked very hard to make sure that everything would be scheduled for today in a timely manner (my neighbor was driving me in so Steve could work) so I would not have to inconvenience anyone.  Anyway, we got to Boston in a very timely manner (45 minutes before my appointment) and for the first time the visit turned into a nightmare!  We checked in for the PET scan and had a seat in the waiting room, where we sat until about 5 minutes before my appointment.  At this time the receptionist informed me that they were looking for me in the radiology lab so I could have my IV placed.  I had been told it would be done in the PET scan area.  Anyway, I went to the lab.  The technician had no problem drawing the blood (she actually got a great vein) but there was paper work for a new study I have been enrolled in (to create a vaccine from my cancer cells -- very interesting concept) and she had no idea how to handle it.  She spent the better part of a half hour on the phone with this person and that person trying to get protocol hammered out.  In the meantime, I am sitting in the chair with a tourniquet tightned on my arm.  She must have tied and released it six times before placing the IV and getting the blood (7 tubes, I might add) so I could go back to get my scan, an hour late.  The scan was a sinch though. 

I was now an hour late for the remainder of my appointments for preop.  My next trauma came in finding the offices I was supposed to be.  I am not used to getting around Brigham & Women's Hospital.  Luckily we shared an elevator ride with one of the guides who helped us find where we had to go.  We were swept in and out of preoperative counseling and then went for the history and PE and preoperative directions.  Here we waited for 2 hours before we were approached and told we would be called soon but that I needed to go for a chest xray "downstairs" and that if I went right away they would get me right in since there was "no one" down there.  I scooted off to radiology to find a waiting room of people in need of xray services.  :)  I was happy.  Luckily it only took about 15 minutes to get the films done and we were back upstairs.  After about another 15 minute wait we were escorted to a room for H&PE.  It was here that I got the BEST news of all.  I needed blood work too.  I explained I had given 7 tubes of blood at Dana Farber that morning and that it was my understanding that that draw was for my surgical needs.  Oh no...they do not require the same tests and I needed to have another draw, which should only be a couple of tubes.  Yeah, right!  They took another 4 tubes of blood.  I am lucky to be standing at this point.  Anyway, that is finished and everything looks good to go.  Short of being a bit anemic, I survived my Boston ordeal. 

Next week is surgery.  I will arrive at 8:00 and hopefully things will go much more smoothly.  Hubby will be with me.  I am not sure whether that will help or not, but I think it will. 

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

My little girl is moving out

I know there comes a point in each mom's life where they watch their little birdies fly solo and my turn has come for the first time.  The lease has been signed.  The boxes are being packed and plans are being made.  Way to go Lauren!!  This is what every mom waits for.  We work so hard to get them going in the right direction.  We nag, we yell, we encourage, we support and then finally we watch them fly.  I could not be any prouder than I am.  The best news is that she will continue to go to school and hopefully will finish her degree as planned.  I would hate to see her give up on this plan simply because new challenges are going to present themselves.  When things seem hardest it is most important to hang onto your dreams (are you listening Lauren?)!  You can't forget how important those dreams are to you. 

Emily is starting school on the 29th.  She is a junior this year.  She will have the new experience of attending a technical school rather than the normal high school.  I think this will be very exciting for her, although a little anxiety producing since it is a new adventure.  Hopefully she will get her license next week and will be able to drive herself to school, enjoying some of the independence she has been looking forward to.  I hope she too has been listening and that she realizes independence comes with lots of responsibility.  My fingers are crossed!

As for the parents in this situation, we are hanging in.  Things are changing rapidly, and daily.  We look forward to having time to ourselves again and getting to know each other all over again.  I have to give us credit in that department, though.  We have never really completely stopped dating so we have a pretty good idea that we still like each other, at least a little bit.  I can't imagine life without him -- even on those days when he comes home after a two hour commute and is an absolute bear to deal with.  We all get tired and frustrated and it's good we can recognize it. 

Keeping the faith!
Kim :~)

Mosquito bites

I am going to complain about my mosquito bites!  I don't know why I can go through chemo and only complain a little bit but then I spend a night by the firepit and get my ankles bit by mosquitoes and I feel like I am losing my mind!  Why do they like my ankles so much anyway.  The damned things (the bites) keep me up at night scratching, even with hydrocortisone cream applied.  Actually it's nice to have something besides treatment to complain about.  :)

I even got to weed my gardens the other day.  THEY WERE A MESS!  I have not been able to get out there all summer so everything was overgrown and ugly.  I still have the beds out front to do but since I feel a little better every day I think that should be possible soon.  Of course right now we have been dealing with nonstop rain for the past few days.  That kind of makes it hard to work in the garden.  We have reached the sad part of the summer too.  I have no flowers blooming in most of my gardens at the moment.  Well, really that is not true either.  My back gardens have the hydrangeas blooming and out front the black-eyed susans are blooming.  In the big garden out front, though, there is nothing.  Soon, however, the mums will start and color will return.  In the meantime there is plenty of green and, after all, green is a color.  With all this rain the lawn is starting to look green again too. 

Tomorrow is an Aunty day.  My aunt is having cataract surgery and I will be taking her.  It is nice to be on the driving end of a hospital visit again.  The visit is supposed to be a 3-4 hour visit so I think I will probably come home and Emily wants to go shopping at the consignment stores so that is the plan, before we have to pick Aunty up again.  The day after she has a doctor's appointment, to which I will also bring her.  Yes, it is nice to be on the transportation end again rather than the patient end!

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

Another humid day here in NH

I think someone forgot and left the humidifier going.  They say it is going to break tomorrow but geez.  Hot and humid...in August?! 

Not much happening today.  Spent a lot of time doing homework and getting my assignments finished up. These two classes are just about finished and I have seven left before I do my SpEd internship.  I have to start thinking about applying for certification and getting the internship set up.  It seems like just yesterday I was starting.  I am so grateful to my professors that I have been able to continue full steam while undergoing treatment.  To boot, I have maintained a 4.0 average so far.  (Keeping my fingers crossed for continued good luck and success!)  I miss being in school (as a teacher) and very much look forward to getting back into it once school and treatment is over.  In the meantime I am going to try to find something part time that will get me back into a school.

Anyway...I realized last night I have no bottom eyelashes.  It is kind of freaky but I know that they will be growing back soon.  My head is stubbly.  I like to say I have a light five o'clock shadow.  I even have a couple of hairs that are actually measurable -- about an inch long.  You can still see the shine though.  My eyebrows are another laughing matter.  I have one that has turned almost completely blond and the other is only half there.  I was thinking about checking out the Friends Place at DF this week and seeing how much the fake eyebrows are.  I can't do much about the eyelashes (I don't think they make falsies for the bottom) but I know I could get eyebrows again.  Maybe I should just bide my time and wait for my own hair to come back in.  Decisions, decisions!

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

August already, and almost half over at that!

Last night I spent my first night in a tent in almost forever.  We used to tent camp when we were in our early 20s.  Once the kids came along we moved to a camper and then, because my older child was such a pill about camping, we stopped entirely.  We recently decided we wanted to start going again so I bought a tent -- a big tent!  It sleeps 10 people (although we never plan to have that many people in it).  It is a 3-room "vacation lodge."  So anyway, we have had it set up in the yard to season and Steve mentioned he wanted to take it down to mow the lawn.  I figured, why not?!  So, last night Steve and I blew up the air mattress and took our bedclothes to the tent.  No I did not draw out the sleeping bags because it would have been too hot.  I took our 1500 count sheets and put them on the air mattress and we slept outside.  I have to say I got the best night sleep I have gotten in forever.  The only wrinkle was when I heard "something" walking through the gravel in the firepit.  We live in NH after all so I know we have animals that roam the woods at night but I did not get to see what it was.  It sounded kind of big, but not bear big.  I think it could have been a fox or maybe a fisher cat.  Either way, it walked through the firepit, by the tent, and then off into the woods.  After that it was back to sleep.  Today the tent came down.  It got dried out and then rolled out and now will be put away until we decide to take it out into the world.  I have to say, I loved the whole experience.  The air mattress was comfortable (queen size).  The tent was big so we had the air mattress at one end, room in the middle to set up a table and could have used the other end for camping chairs.  It would be extremely comfortable for two people.  I am sure it will work well with four of us too. 

Anyway, back to reality.  I am not very happy with my children right now.  My older child has forgotten that respect is still expected even when you are an adult child.  In my eyes when I ask a question if you have the information I am looking for then you answer the question -- not evade it by saying "It's none of my business."  I understand the reticence to not get involved in the situation but it is not acceptable to not answer a direct question.  We will talk about it later!  And the other one... well, I am just tired of her half-ass doing everything.  She is responsible for her own situation and refuses to accept that responsibility.  I am so tired of hearing that it is someone else's fault for her shortcomings.  Time to grow up and face reality -- and unfortunately I am sure that she will very soon, as far as her job is concerned. 

As for me, I am okay.  The effects of the last chemo treatment have pretty much worn off.  I had my last MRI and echo yesterday and I will get those results next week.  School is going okay and this semester will end very soon.  I am registered for two classes next semester, both on campus, so it might be a little more challenging.  I am going to try very hard to keep on track, or even a little ahead.  I now have two weeks before I have to return for any more poking and prodding (preop testing is on 8/23).  Surgery is on 8/30.  It is going to be day surgery and I am sure I will be sore and tired for a week or so afterwards.  I will try not to whine.  One foot in front of the other and one day at a time. 

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

It's been a while since I posted

Chemo is over.  Our last infusion was Thursday, 7/28.  Since then things have been a little tough.  I have felt weak and not very motivated to do anything.  I have been nauseous a lot.  I am making it through each day but only by dragging my butt around.  Today is Wednesday and it has been a little better.  I am still nauseous, a little, but surviving.  Nothing tastes good anyway so I should just settle on not eating, but then I get even weaker.  I know this will pass.  It always does.  Every day is better than the one before.  I still have headaches occasionally, the nausea, and hemorrhoids but at least the heartburn has been better.  I feel thirsty a lot too so I make sure to drink plenty.  They tell me this is because of the medications.  Whatever!

My hair is starting to grow back.  I have tiny little stubs on my head.  I still need to cover my head when I go out, though.  The Barbie wigs is being worn more often than not.  I still love my hats and always will.  Luckily you don't have to be bald to wear a hat.  I have tiny little eyebrows and my eyelashes are few and far between, but they'll come back. 

My nails are a mess!  I consider myself lucky to still have them on my hands.  It sometimes hurts to hit the keyboard.  I wouldn't be surprised to see one of them fly off while I am typing.  In the meantime I will keep them short and hope for the best.

What do I really have to complain about, honestly?!  I am surviving.  I will have surgery at the end of August and they have told me they expect the prognosis to be better than excellent.  Surgery is likely to be minimal and is only day surgery.  Radition, on the other hand, has to be for 30 treatments (standard of practice, they say) so I am really not looking forward to that.  I must say though that by Thanksgiving I will really have something to be thankful for.  I am looking forward to the holidays this year.  I might choose to keep things simple but they will certainly be special.

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

Hot, hot, hot

We are in the middle of a heat wave, which seems to be a common thing this summer.  This one is nasty, though.  With the dew point temperatures are up around 109 degrees.  I know people in the south would not be very willing to offer much sympathy for this, but for us this is HOT!  We are not made like this.  Now, if temperatures were 10 degrees we would be perfectly fine with that, where southerners might not.  I can actually see heat waves outside my window right now.  I have not watered the garden in days so I am willing to bet there will be no tomatoes this fall.  The beans died a while ago.  Cucumbers are probably not very likely either.  The potatoes will still grow though. 

Inside is not too bad.  We are hovering around 75, I believe, even though the air conditioning it set on 67.  There is no way it will keep up with that much of a challenge.  Extra fans and less clothing works just fine in keeping my temperature down.  I might even jump into a cool shower if things get too uncomfortable.  Boy am I sorry I got rid of the pool right now.  A quick swim and a run back into the air conditioning always felt WONDERFUL.

This is my week without treatment.  I feel relatively well, a little nauseous, probably from the heat.  My sinuses are stuffy too, probably from the awful air.  I might need to take a nap later but for now I am holding in.  My homework has just been finished.  Hopefully I remembered everything.  Next week I look forward to having my last chemo infusion.  I look forward to not being stuck with a needle on a regular basis.  I look forward to not being nauseous all the time.  I do not, however, look forward to having surgery.  No matter what, cutting the body hurts.  I know it is going to be far less severe than it would have been before chemo but still, who wants to be cut open.  I meet with the surgeon Tuesday so hopefully I will know when and for how long I will be out of commission.  I dread being away from the family for too, too long.  A couple of days should be great though.  Let them deal with my stuff. 

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

Tough treatment this week

I am not complaining, really.  The infusion just hit me a little harder this week than any other week.  I just wanted to sleep and the nausea was a little rough.  Things are better now.  I have been sleeping as much as I can and trying really hard to keep myself hydrated and my tummy happy.  I seem to be loving milk right now.  Silly thing!  I have never really not liked milk -- I just didn't really have a focus on it.  Now I do.  It seems to settle my tummy better than anything else.  It's good for me too. 

There has been a lot of homework to worry about this week too.  I seem to be at my computer typing away for days on end and get no closer to having everything done.  I guess it is just that we have come to the midpoint in the class and assignments are coming due.  These are things, of course, that I could have been working on all along but I get so focused on the reading and doing the day-to-day things I forget about the big assignments looming in the distance.  I did get a couple of very important things passed in today so that is progress.  Now I have to go and read a case study so I can work on an action plan with my wiki group.  I am a little concerned about this assignment since one of the ladies is in Arizona and will be starting school next week.  Seems to me she will be a little preoccupied by that, but she seems to be plugged into the course too so I shouldn't worry about it.  The other lady seems to post things quite late so I am not sure how that is going to go.  I have faith in my peers and I am sure this is not an assignment I will complete by myself. 

As for home, the heat is back.  Not a fan, myself.  The hubby has gotten his car issues mostly under control.  There was a little glitch with the Acura but I am sure that will work itself out this week.  Emily is already bored with her summer break.  Lauren is stressed beyond belief about working so many hours and being a good manager.  She needs a stress pill, I think.  I am sure she is doing a wonderful job and that her GM is very impressed with her.  As for me, I am suffering some simple annoyances of chemotherapy.  My nails are sore and look horrible.  I have heartburn.  I am tired most of the time.  I have one more infusion and then chemo is done.  I meet my surgeon a week from Tuesday and I will know then what the plan of action will be.  I am lined up for my last set of scans and will soon be able to say those too are behind me.  Cancer free is a concept they are throwing around right now even though they have not said those exact words.  Amazing progression to noncancer status is more in line with what the doctors have said.  Cure is still on the horizon but I am tremendously hopeful. 

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

Things get old

I feel badly today about so many different things.  I wish I had been able to give my children the life that they really wanted.  It makes a parent sad to think their child is so unhappy that they would prefer to be anywhere else (including dead) than to be in the place where they are.  I never understood the concept of suicide.  I see it as an extremely selfish gesture that only hurts the ones left behind but I guess I can grasp the concept of hurting so much inside that you just want the pain to be gone.  No, no one has committed suicide, but my younger daughter throws it into conversation (arguments) from time to time in an effort to get a reaction.  Therapists have told us she is only threatening and has no real plan or desire, so not to worry.  Easier said than done.  Perhaps homicide would be more to her liking?!  Just kidding.  It does cross my mind on occasion though that in her fits of rage she might actually try to hurt one of us.  It is a tough thing to deal with and it gets old trying to figure out the next move.

Know what else gets old...listening to people tell the same stories over and over again.  You would think that once a reaction is noted you would not need to keep going back and looking for a different one.  First reactions are often the most genuine and accurate, but not always.  I would think that after the tenth or twentieth times though when the reaction did not change the stories could be put to bed.  No one particular in mind on this one, of course.  There are actually so many repeaters that I have lost count. 

And another thing...it gets old really quick to have a routine in place and a method for accomplishing things that has not changed but that some people just never seem to grasp (i.e., the calender on the wall for those concerned) or the fact that I will not answer the phone until I see who is calling.  It amazes me the number of times I just get to my cell phone when my husband will hang up and call the house phone, which leaves me running for yet another phone.  Gee whiz!  And if you know I am home, don't leave a message because I will just call you right back.  Leaving a message means that when you call me back in a minute, and you know you will, I will be retrieving the voice mail.  Silly, silly, silly!

It might seem that I am a little crabby today but really I am not.  I was just thinking about thinks that make me twitch -- you know, pet peeves.  I thought I would get a couple down before I move on with my life.  I actually have to get ready for class tonight.  I wanted to get my philosophy statement done before I leave and perhaps figure out the wiki assignments I need to do (for both classes).  I would also like to gather my questions for my research paper before I see my dad on Friday.  I would like to get writing so I can check those off my list.  SO much to do in so little time. 

One more it gets old... treating cancer.  That gets old really quickly, especially when there is no real progress to note.  The tumor is "gone."  There are two infusion treatments left including this one this week and then we move to surgery.  I will know in a couple of weeks when surgery will be scheduled.  After that I will begin to contemplate radiation.  I am tired.  I am tired of talking about cancer.  I am tired of traveling to Boston to get treatment.  I am tired of getting treatment.  I am tired of not feeling well afterwards and having to lay around the house a lot of the time because I have no energy.  I am tired of being in the dark because it is too hot to be outside so I am inside with the curtains drawn.  I am tired of not tasting food and having a dry mouth from my medications.  I am certainly tired of being bald and bloated.  Yes, I think treating cancer is what I would say gets old the fastest!

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

I sometimes wonder...

Why did I have children?  Why did I insist on getting the dog?  Why am I the only one (few exceptions) who knows how to start the laundry?  Why can I not keep my house clean?  When is my hair going to actually grow (present stubble appreciated but questionable)?  Does anyone really care?  (Yes I know they do!)  Why does summer have to be so hot?  Why can I be so self-absorbed sometimes?  Why are some people so superficial and self-centered?  Ahhhh.....  No I don't expect any answers really.

Today is a beautiful Sunday.  The temperatures have been tolerable and the humidity is down.  There is really nothing to complain about.  I have not had to work all weekend because I worked Friday, which I don't usually do.  I have to check my school work sites but that shouldn't take too long.  All my assignments have been submitted and I am already working on the reading for this week's class.  Time management has not been so much of an issue this week.  I have actually had enough time to make hubby take me for a ride on his motorcycle.  Nothing too exciting -- just a run for gas and milk. 

The coming week might be more challenging though.  I have class tomorrow and have a couple of assignments due that actually require me to write something.  I have a philosophy statement regarding diversity to create and a group project on addressing poverty in the classroom.  I also have a critical task due in the other class but I am not sure what I am supposed to be doing with it.   I was pretty sure I had done everything I needed to do with it but it was supposed to be an ongoing project over the past few weeks and there has been no feedback from the teacher.  This is why I really prefer face-to-face classes rather than online classes.  If I have a question I can present it directly and not via e-mails.  Something seems to get lost in e-mail communications. 

I also have treatment this week and injection too.  This will be the treatment before the last treatment or as I refer to it, the last treatment before we wear our t-shirts.  The girls and I made t-shirts for the family that we will wear to our last infusion.  Treatment this week is early, 6:45.  That means we need to leave here by 5:15 or so.  Next week is 6:30 so it will be 5:00 at the latest.  It will be funny seeing the girls drag themselves out of bed so we can be on the road by 5:00.  Teenagers up by 5:00 a.m. -- can you imagine?!  We meet with the surgeon soon and I am hopeful that the treatment plan will be changed and will not require as much surgery or radiation.  I am dreading 30 treatments of radiation for a tumor that has pretty much disappeared.  Doesn't really make sense to me.  Of course, I will do as I am told -- be the good patient I am supposed to be.  I want it gone, by any means necessary. 

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

Too hot to blog lately!

Sorry folks.  Once the thermometer hits 85 everything shuts down.  I cannot function, even in the air conditioning and this has absolutely NOTHING to do with the cancer.  This is just life.  I hate the heat!!  It is safe to say that I will never spend extended time south of the Mason Dixon line.  Then again, I am not too fond of the cold either so going any further north is probably just as unlikely.  There has to be some place in the world where the temperature is around 75 to 80 degrees year round.  That is my ideal!

So since this is a week without chemo there is not really much to write about.  I feel okay most of the time.  Sleep is still tough.  I really need to be in the air conditioning and any time it is over 70 (the temperature in the house) I am awake all night.  I will be so happy when things are back to normal and I can regulate my body temperature better.  I overheat so quickly and then get cold so quickly that I am constantly flipping the blankets on and off -- keeps the husband up all night too. 

Next week is my almost last treatment (one treatment left after that).  We have t-shirts we made to wear to the last treatment so I consider this next one the last treatment before we wear our t-shirts.  Hubby is going to take pictures and hopefully a video to send off to GMA for Your Three Words, which is a segment they do on the weekends.  I am considering donning the baldness for this special once in a lifetime picture.  The kids are still planning to do a photo shoot of me and my hats, when the are home for more than a few minutes or to sleep.  We will just have to wait it out.  I am still considering whether to post them on Facebook or not.  There are a couple of pictures that a friend posted from a party with the wig on, which I am not sure how I feel about.  I am not really happy with the overall appearance of myself right now.  Bloated and bald is never a good look. 

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

Thanks for the flowers!

The "flower fairy" visited me yesterday.  There were a bunch of annuals out on my zen garden with a note begging to be planted (the plants were talking, of course).  They were beautiful and needed an area in the yard where I could see them every day and they could be the focal point.  I certainly don't have the energy to dig through the roots that occupy the front yard so I decided I would fill one of the plantars from out back and move it out front and fill it with the beautiful flowers, which I did manage to accomplish today.  Luckily for me I managed to find a spot in the compost pile that was soft enough to dig.  I also had the happy surprise of finding a huge foxglove blooming in the compost pile.  Beautiful surprises!!!  Thank you to the flower fairy!  :~) 

So besides that what kind of day was this you wonder?  Pretty good.  Emily went to the beach with the boyfriend and his family.  Lauren was home for most of the day but did have to leave for work around 3:00 so I have been on my own since then.  Just me and the dog.  I have wandered around the house, picked up the messes I have encountered, and worked on schoolwork.  I have finished my reading and am now on the computer to do my discussion board work -- no really, I will get to it soon. 

I am working on my third jug (32 ounces) of water for the day.  Yesterday I could only get in two and I felt so dehydrated all night.  I actually got up a couple of times during the night to get a glass of water, which I never do.  I am supposed to drink at least three jugs every day to ensure that the chemo goes well.  I am not sure that it really matters but why take the chance, right?  I always try to get in a fourth the day before chemo to make sure I am hydrated enough for them to find a vein.  We do have treatment this week so I am going to try to be very good.  In the meantime, more schoolwork.

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

Busy week, sorry no posts!

W-O-W.  This has been an eye-opening week.  The new regimen is tough.  I am tired, nauseous, and cranky.  I thought having two weeks between treatments would make it easier to deal with.  NO WAY!  Now I have a week of being tired without the benefit of a treatment.  We were not quite sure what to do with ourselves either.  We did end up staying in Burlington Wednesday night (we had already reserved a hotel room because of an early appointment) and pretty much we slept in, had a late breakfast, and came home.  It was nice to get away with just the hubby!  :)

Today is a good day.  Besides the fact that it is my birthday (and what cancer patient is not grateful for one more of those) but I also felt pretty normal today.  I had the energy to go out with friends and visit for a while.  I helped hubby clean the cars and enjoyed dinner out with the girls.  I even had a visit from my dad.  Pretty good day all around. 

This is treatment week.  I am not wild about the red injections I now have to have during the infusion.  I am not sure what those are all about but I will ask this week.  I have to give myself an injection at home 24 hours after the infusion to help with my bone marrow suppression.  That did not seem to be such a big issue.  I know now why I have this extra belly fat from the chemo -- for the injections.  My energy level drops significantly after infusion and injection but now that I understand how it is going to go I can plan better and do better.  Eventually we will be done and life will begin the new normal.  In the meantime, I will persevere.

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

The beginning of the end

I thought I wouldn't get here.  I now have three chemo treatments left.  I was really anxious about this new drug regimen but so far it has been only slightly more annoying.  I had quite a bit of nausea yesterday after receiving the infusions but today has not been as bad.  It has soured my appetite a bit but that is perfectly okay with me.  I have gained 10 pounds since starting chemo and I would certainly like to take that off before I finish.  I am grateful, in a sense, for the belly fat though since I now have to give myself injections after chemo to help my blood counts stay up.  I was really worried about that when they told me I would have to do it but after training and injecting today it really was no problem. 

I am looking forward to having a conversation that does not involve the word cancer.  I would like to talk with my neighbors again about what is going on in the neighborhood or how the kids are doing, like we used to.  I want to speak with family and not have them ask how I am feeling because of the cancer but because they want to know how I am doing.  I want to discuss future happenings with my kids and not have to worry about how I am going to feel or what appointments I am going to have to reschedule in order to prepare for the happenings.  Soon...

I am changing and so is my family.  This challenge we have been presented with has certainly given us a new perspective on life and how we should be dealing with each other.  Sometimes that is a really good thing but then other times I think it has made me a little jaded.  I am certainly saddened by those in my family of origin who have never reached out to me.  There are a couple I have never heard from whom  I certainly should have.  It makes me wonder if they really couldn't care less or whether they just don't have the capacity to cope with a situation that is not in their immediate realm of concerns.  I guess I just want to be important to everyone who is important to me.  That seems a little self-centered, I know but at a time like this one of my lessons learned is that I have the right to be.

Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim

I'm feeling anxious

I don't know why the change in regimen is making me feel so antsy.  If it is tougher to deal with, I will still deal with it.  I just don't know what to expect at the moment.  I think I will be better tomorrow once the whole thing is behind me.  I only have 4 total treatments on this part of the regimen and then I will be DONE.  I can't imagine anything more exciting than having survived chemo, except maybe surviving cancer in general. 

I had an incident today that might be adding to my anxiety.  I have tried, very hard I might add, to make sure that I don't make anyone uncomfortable with my bald head.  I know I am really self-conscious about this even though everyone who has encountered it has said I have a wonderful head for being bald.  I even thanked my mom for giving me such a great head.  That being said, however, I very rarely leave the house without my head covered.  Today I went to go upstairs to grab a book and there were children walking up my walkway.  I was uncovered.  They knocked on my door and said to me "GO Bruins!"  They were neighborhood children, none older than 5, so I stooped to talk to them and asked them about how much they love the Bruins.  Things got very quiet very quickly once I went to the door and I was grateful for the moms coming.  I wanted to apologize to them but didn't since I didn't want it to appear to be an issue.  I certainly hope neither of them has to explain to their children tonight why Mrs. Shapiro doesn't have any hair.  I know...it's my issue.

I must call my mother.  I have not spoken to her for a couple of weeks and she had my sister text me to see if she could visit with us in mid-July.  I really need to get back to her before I forget.  Things don't stay in my head for very long now-a-days. 

Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim

Another gloomy day in NH

Can you believe it is June 14th?  It feels like March out there.  I am so tempted to turn the heat on and get warm but it's June 14th and that is out of the question. 

I started my new classes yesterday.  I have one online and one face to face.  The face to face seems like it will be interesting and involved.  I am not sure about the online one yet.  I made my introductions, which is normal for the first contact online, and I have to answer a couple of questions after reading some materials.  That is my plan for today -- to read and maybe answer the questions.  If not, I will answer them tomorrow.

Nothing exciting happening as of late.  The new chemo regimen starts Thursday.  I am anxious about how I will react.  Keeping my fingers crossed for continuation of my luck where symptoms are concerned.  For the most part things have been tolerable.  I would be so grateful if that continued.  As I said, I am keeping the fingers crossed.

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

Last weekly treatment all done!

YIPEEEEE! 

Now -- there are four treatments left.  These are supposed to be tougher than the ones I have finished.  Again, I am adopting the wait and see attitude.  I did pretty well with the first 12.  I will pray for continued success with the next four and then, all done with chemo.  My appointments are a little messed up though right now so I am not sure when I am supposed to be going in next.  I am still waiting for a call from the nurse to help me get it all straightened out.  DF has been great about making sure I know when and where so I don't expect anything will change at this point. 

So what else is eventful?  It is Friday and things are pretty quiet right now.  Steve went off to work, as usual.  He left his motorcycle behind my car though so I can't get out unless I want to drive the truck.  Of course the truck windows are both broken (they won't open because the regulators failed) and there is no air conditioning.  It is still a little muggy today, but not too hot, so I guess I will suck it up and do what I have to do.  The dog prefers the car but is willing to accept the truck in a pinch -- as long as he gets his ride in. 

I am looking forward to a quiet afternoon.  Dad and Kathy will be down for lunch and the usual Friday visit.  I have soooo much to do once they leave though.  I guess the people who bought our pool are coming to get it tomorrow morning.  I did get the plants moved but all the stone is still there.  I really would prefer they not kick it out onto the lawn so I wanted to move it before they got here.  We will see how that goes.  I did not sleep much last night so my guess is that after the parents leave I will crash on the couch and sleep for an hour or so.  Either way I will listen to my body and let it have what it wants.  The rock can be moved later. 

Off to run errands.

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

Nausea and vomiting

Nice way to get your attention.  Nausea and vomiting are two things I have not had a lot of experience with during this battle.  Yesterday I had both.  The best part, though, is that once I finally vomited I felt great!  That is so sick!!!  Much better today too.

I have found today though that I am very thirsty.  I am hoping that the chemo has not screwed up my blood sugars in addition to my blood pressure.  I will find out Thursday when they do labs.  Thursday is also my LAST weekly treatment.  There is only one infusion and we have an early appointment so we should be in and out of Boston before noon.  That is great news because it is supposed to be hotter than Hades tomorrow here in NH.  Our first day that will be almost 100, second over 90.  I am very much looking forward to getting home and being in the air conditioning.  I might never leave. 

Tonight is my last class for SpEd501.  I am very glad to be finishing another class.  My new ones (I am taking 2 next semester) begin Monday.  With any luck things will go as well during those as it has gone during this one.  There have not been too many symptoms and only occasional intense fatigue.  I have managed to get to and from class (by the grace of God).  Next semester I have one class in Manchester and the other is online.  That should make things a little easier transportation wise.  The online class, I am sure, is going to be VERY demanding.  They usually are. 

Going out now to enjoy the beautiful day!

Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim

One more week done!

Week 11 has been a tough one.  I am tired most days and am dragging myself around from room to room trying to get something accomplished.  I am extremely grateful that next week is the last week for this current treatment.  Week 12 finishes the Taxol and other drugs.  Week 13 begins the Avastin and carboplatinin, which I hear is a real bear!  Luckily treatment will be every other week for four weeks only.  I AM ALMOST DONE WITH CHEMO!  I have never been so happy to type a statement in my life.  I dreamed of being at my last chemo treatment so many weeks ago when I met in the lab with a woman who was at her last chemo treatment.  I am now so close I can almost see the light. 

Developments and changes happen.  My original surgeon is going to be out on maternity leave so I must now meet with a new surgeon and hope that things click since I will not have as much time to reconsider options.  It looks like surgery could potentially be minimal and that is wonderful news to me.  I am truly afraid of being away from home to have the surgery and I am hoping that it will only be a day or two.  I am certainly not looking forward to the pain! 

Radition is still a distant concern.  I am really taking life one day, and sometimes one minute, at a time.  It is almost over and then I can begin looking forward to the day where cancer no longer is in my daily vocabulary and discussions.  I want very much to think about teaching techniques and student successes.  I want to focus on becoming a special education teacher who will guide students to wonderful futures.  Perhaps I might even share some time with the future doctor who cures this cancer and many others.  Ahhhhh..... Much nicer thoughts.

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

Having problems with blogspot

Hey folks,

Not much going on but I have not been able to get into Blogspot to blog in the past week or so.  Got lucky today I guess.  I have changed my settings so hopefully I will not have any further problems.

Anyway, as I said, not much is going on.  I just completed my 11th chemo infusion and have one left of the weekly infusions.  This week has been a little tough.  The fatigue has definitely set in and I now have an annoying cough from the blood pressure medication.  I could ask to have it changed but I am hoping I will only need it until chemo is finished, which is only a few more weeks.  I can muddle through I hope.  One more weekly infusion.  That sounds so amazing since it seems like we just started treatment, although it also seems like I have been doing this FOREVER!  I have grown a little weary of the trip to Boston every week, although I love seeing the nurses and other patients who are there with me every week. 

School is almost over too.  I have one class left and so far I have a 96.71.  My 4.0 might not hold up if I don't do well on the clinical task and technology paper.  I think my ego will survive the hit though.  After all, I have told Lauren that all you need to do is get a C and they give you your degree.  It's better on the resume if you have a higher GPA but they will still call me a MEd SpEd. 

I was not really expecting to be able to get on to blog so I have not organized my thoughts.  Thanks for listening to the rambling though.  Keep me in the prayers.  It seems to be working!

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim