My baby girl had her first major accident this week. She backed into someone's truck. It was a total accident and could have happened to anyone, but it happened to her. This will change her life. Luckily there was no one in the truck and she did not get hurt. However, her pocketbook is going to be empty for the next five years (if she's lucky it will only be for five years). Worst case scenario is that she will not be able to afford this little life lesson and she will need to give up her keys. Steve has given her two months to find a job with more hours so she can afford her expenses. We are certainly not going to pay them for her and just let her go about her life as if she has no responsibilities. Didn't happen with Lauren, not going to happen with Emily.
In other news, the holidays are upon us. Halloween is Monday. The house is decorated (barely) and the candy is in the foyer. I look forward to sugaring up the neighbor's kids and sending them on their way, just like the neighbors did for me for so many years. No costume for me this year. I just don't feel the importance of it anymore. Emily is going to a dance tonight but that (and trick-or-treating) is the extent of our festivities.
Next comes Thanksgiving. We have made plans with Lauren and Jon to have Thanksgiving here on the 13th. I didn't want her to feel pressured to be here on the day, or to go to Grampa and Nana's. It would be nice if she could stay home and enjoy the holiday as she would like to. I certainly don't want to be the demanding in-law who insists on having things done my way, or the way they always were. I am certainly open for something different!
I am not sure about Christmas yet. I will get back to that later. I am sure we will set the tree up and put up some decorations but I really don't think I am going to do all the pine boughs and lights like we have in the past. Simplify and enjoy is my new moto. Again, that doesn't need to be decided right now!
All is well and I am keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
Friday, October 28, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Good news / bad news
It seems you can't have one kind of news without the other. The good news first. I am cleared to return to work and normal activities. No restrictions of any kind. I hope this will trigger something in my mind to get more active. I have spent so much time on the couch doing nothing that I think getting the motivation to get back into anything is going to be tough!
Now the bad news. Since I will return to work I can no longer have the VNA come in and take care of my dressings. I have to look into a wound clinic. I have no idea how to go about doing that and I certainly can't pack the dressings myself. Well, I could if I really had to but the angle is all wrong and I am likely to do more damage than good.
Otherwise, this has been a pretty good day so far. It is a nice fall day. My trip to Boston was uneventful. To the best of my knowledge Emily didn't hit anything with the truck. Steve made it to work safely and all my homework is done for tonight's class. Now I just have to get my transcription done and maybe I can start on the math homework for Thursday.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
Now the bad news. Since I will return to work I can no longer have the VNA come in and take care of my dressings. I have to look into a wound clinic. I have no idea how to go about doing that and I certainly can't pack the dressings myself. Well, I could if I really had to but the angle is all wrong and I am likely to do more damage than good.
Otherwise, this has been a pretty good day so far. It is a nice fall day. My trip to Boston was uneventful. To the best of my knowledge Emily didn't hit anything with the truck. Steve made it to work safely and all my homework is done for tonight's class. Now I just have to get my transcription done and maybe I can start on the math homework for Thursday.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
Monday, October 24, 2011
This is not what I expected
Isn't it funny...especially for those of us who have always planned out every little aspect of our lives...how things don't always go as you planned. Take this cancer thing, for example. When I first got the diagnosis I thought I would get treatment and then move on with my life. I was going to be in charge and I was going to make the experience what I thought it should be. How funny that things didn't go as I planned. Luckily I can say I am cancer free at this point. I am a survivor. I did lose my hair. I did not lose weight like I thought I would. I was not sick like I thought I would be. I was tired. I did have physical discomforts. I really had no pain (except the hemorrhoids) except when I got the infection. It was painful to raise my arm. It was excruciatingly painful to try to lie on my stomach. No matter how I tried to sleep, it was not always happening. I could nap during the day, but usually only for 20 minutes or so. I am not really in charge of this process.
What I have learned so far... First, no one gets an easy ride where cancer is concerned. Symptoms are different for each of us but no one comes out of this unscathed. This year is lost to me as far as my plan is concerned. I did accomplish some of the things I set out to do but others will never be accomplished now. I have missed a year of teaching. I cannot get that back. It appears likely that I will not return to teaching until next year given that I still have to wait for this infection to completely heal and then have radiation before I can return to the classroom, although that is not entirely clear yet. The things on my checklist; i.e., chemo, surgery, radiation, cannot be checked off in my time frame. I must wait until healing happens. I have also learned that my agenda is not as important as the one God has for me. At this point I have to listen and pay attention to what comes next. Doors have closed. I have to find the open window.
Thank you to my family and friends once again. I could never have made it through without you. Thank you to Bubba, Katie, Maddie, Bubbles, and Monsta! It is amazing how much joy pets bring into your life and how much support they offer in their own way.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
What I have learned so far... First, no one gets an easy ride where cancer is concerned. Symptoms are different for each of us but no one comes out of this unscathed. This year is lost to me as far as my plan is concerned. I did accomplish some of the things I set out to do but others will never be accomplished now. I have missed a year of teaching. I cannot get that back. It appears likely that I will not return to teaching until next year given that I still have to wait for this infection to completely heal and then have radiation before I can return to the classroom, although that is not entirely clear yet. The things on my checklist; i.e., chemo, surgery, radiation, cannot be checked off in my time frame. I must wait until healing happens. I have also learned that my agenda is not as important as the one God has for me. At this point I have to listen and pay attention to what comes next. Doors have closed. I have to find the open window.
Thank you to my family and friends once again. I could never have made it through without you. Thank you to Bubba, Katie, Maddie, Bubbles, and Monsta! It is amazing how much joy pets bring into your life and how much support they offer in their own way.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Little sad today
I am starting to feel the winter doldrums. I know it is very early but I was thinking about Christmas today (I was cleaning the floors and was doing the spot where the Christmas tree stands every year) and I realized that Lauren would not be home this year for Christmas morning and probably would not be again. There was always the four of us Christmas morning to open presents and stockings and now there will just be the three of us. It will be funny (strange funny, not ha ha funny) but it is nice to be developing new routines with just me and Em and hubby too. Emily always wanted to be an only child!
Today is a beautiful fall day. I have gotten my work done and it is ready to deliver to the doctor in the morning. I finished my homework for class tonight last night so I don't have to worry about that. As I mentioned earlier, I cleaned the floors this morning. I have dishes this week and they are done. I think I might just get started on my homework for Thursday since I seem to be on such a productive roll. I have three chapters to read and they are long and boring. I think if I can do a chapter a day it might not seem so bad.
As for the battle, I am still healing a wound that I am told might take months to heal. It was suggested to me that adding vitamin D and extra zinc might help things along. I think I will also look at my homeopathic catelog to see if there are any products in there for boosting immunity and aiding wound healing. I am still waiting for the nurse to arrive today (it's now 1:30 pm) to change the bandages and clean the wounds. I changed them this morning anyway so I'm not in any rush for them to get here. There has been a different nurse every other day so I have had many opinions offered about how to best treat this. After a couple of frustrating days with increased bleeding and drainage I finally called my surgeon this morning to see what she suggested. She wants to go with the original plan and let the "friable tissue" heal. Luckily there does not appear to be any goopy drainage to be particularly worried about and it looks like I just have to wait out the healing. In the meantime, though, I cannot work (in schools) and this is terribly frustrating to me. Radiation also cannot start until everything is healed. Again, frustrating. I will continue to do what the doctors tell me though so I can be completely better.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
Today is a beautiful fall day. I have gotten my work done and it is ready to deliver to the doctor in the morning. I finished my homework for class tonight last night so I don't have to worry about that. As I mentioned earlier, I cleaned the floors this morning. I have dishes this week and they are done. I think I might just get started on my homework for Thursday since I seem to be on such a productive roll. I have three chapters to read and they are long and boring. I think if I can do a chapter a day it might not seem so bad.
As for the battle, I am still healing a wound that I am told might take months to heal. It was suggested to me that adding vitamin D and extra zinc might help things along. I think I will also look at my homeopathic catelog to see if there are any products in there for boosting immunity and aiding wound healing. I am still waiting for the nurse to arrive today (it's now 1:30 pm) to change the bandages and clean the wounds. I changed them this morning anyway so I'm not in any rush for them to get here. There has been a different nurse every other day so I have had many opinions offered about how to best treat this. After a couple of frustrating days with increased bleeding and drainage I finally called my surgeon this morning to see what she suggested. She wants to go with the original plan and let the "friable tissue" heal. Luckily there does not appear to be any goopy drainage to be particularly worried about and it looks like I just have to wait out the healing. In the meantime, though, I cannot work (in schools) and this is terribly frustrating to me. Radiation also cannot start until everything is healed. Again, frustrating. I will continue to do what the doctors tell me though so I can be completely better.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
Saturday, October 8, 2011
A gift
I believe every day is a gift. We always assume that we will have tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that but really who knows? ! I forged through my life like a freight train for the most part. I was always in a hurry to get to the next thing, whether it be finishing school, getting married, buying a house, having kids, etc. etc. etc. It is nice to just enjoy a beautiful day and all the things that happen in it. I am 44 years old and am just learning how to put the brakes on and enjoy right now. I might not have tomorrow, realistically.
I have a job, for which I am grateful. I have been called to sub a couple of times already this year (although I have been unable to do so because of my infection and appointments). My transcription continues to support me in the meantime. I should be doing that right now but I figured I would take a couple of minutes, clear the e-mails, and put some thoughts down on how I am feeling today.
I have been blessed to have had such a good course of treatment that led to me being cancer free. I am not too happy about this infection I am fighting but overall it is the biggest complication that I have had. Yes I lost my hair. Yes I was tired during chemo. No I did not always feel wonderful. I really disliked having to give myself the injections to keep my blood counts up. No I didn't like having to travel into Boston every week so I could have "rehabilitative fluids" pumped through my body. I am SOOOOO glad that is over. Radition cannot begin until this infection clears but I see that as being the end of this journey for me, treatment-wise. I know there are a lot of feelings and experiences that will come after. Today I am only focusing on clearing this infection and doing whatever it will take to do that. Antibiotics end today. The visiting nurse repacked the wounds and hopefully this will draw out the remaining infection so I can completely heal. Then...on to radiation.
My family has been great throughout this whole thing. They have been patient with my meltdowns (especially hubby who has been especially supportive when I cry my eyes out for no particular reason) and the kids have looked for ways to help too. Both have mentioned activities they have taken on that will raise awareness of breast cancer and help support research. Emily wants to do the big walk but we will see how that goes. I nag them constantly about remembering to do their breast self-exams, along with anyone else who will listen.
I feel the need at this point to get back to work, not just today but in general. I miss the classroom terribly and look forward to that first day I can say YES. I have broadened my base of schools I will go to so that I can be busier (once I clear the infection/radiation hurdle). I expect 2011 will close out before I am completely free to return to my new normal. However that happens, I am grateful that I am still here, still breathing, healthy, and able to return to work. I will have my own contract before too much longer so for now I will enjoy the ability to say yes or no any particular day when asked if I am free.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
I have a job, for which I am grateful. I have been called to sub a couple of times already this year (although I have been unable to do so because of my infection and appointments). My transcription continues to support me in the meantime. I should be doing that right now but I figured I would take a couple of minutes, clear the e-mails, and put some thoughts down on how I am feeling today.
I have been blessed to have had such a good course of treatment that led to me being cancer free. I am not too happy about this infection I am fighting but overall it is the biggest complication that I have had. Yes I lost my hair. Yes I was tired during chemo. No I did not always feel wonderful. I really disliked having to give myself the injections to keep my blood counts up. No I didn't like having to travel into Boston every week so I could have "rehabilitative fluids" pumped through my body. I am SOOOOO glad that is over. Radition cannot begin until this infection clears but I see that as being the end of this journey for me, treatment-wise. I know there are a lot of feelings and experiences that will come after. Today I am only focusing on clearing this infection and doing whatever it will take to do that. Antibiotics end today. The visiting nurse repacked the wounds and hopefully this will draw out the remaining infection so I can completely heal. Then...on to radiation.
My family has been great throughout this whole thing. They have been patient with my meltdowns (especially hubby who has been especially supportive when I cry my eyes out for no particular reason) and the kids have looked for ways to help too. Both have mentioned activities they have taken on that will raise awareness of breast cancer and help support research. Emily wants to do the big walk but we will see how that goes. I nag them constantly about remembering to do their breast self-exams, along with anyone else who will listen.
I feel the need at this point to get back to work, not just today but in general. I miss the classroom terribly and look forward to that first day I can say YES. I have broadened my base of schools I will go to so that I can be busier (once I clear the infection/radiation hurdle). I expect 2011 will close out before I am completely free to return to my new normal. However that happens, I am grateful that I am still here, still breathing, healthy, and able to return to work. I will have my own contract before too much longer so for now I will enjoy the ability to say yes or no any particular day when asked if I am free.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
Sunday, October 2, 2011
It's funny
I thought hearing the words "cancer free" would end this journey for me emotionally. Unfortunately I am not superwoman, superwife, or supermom. My body is human and I must respect the limitations it has. I developed a major infection in my lumpectomy wound and required incision and drainage (another surgery). Since then I have had to have VNA come into my home on a daily basis to change the bandages. I have two drains in the wounds that continue to leak fluid. I have never seen anything as disgusting as this. I cannot even look at it without getting the dry heaves -- which is why I am a teacher and not a nurse. Still, healing is occurring and things look better than they did a week ago. I am certainly more comfortable and there are no signs of infection at this time. Thank God!!!
It is funny how long this journey has been. I expected once I hopped on treatment that time would fly by and then it would be over. It appears that this is going to be a bit longer than I anticipated. My 2011 will be gone before I am healed. Radiation will likely need to be put off a couple of weeks, which brings the end of that to December rather than November. Hopefully no further surgeries will be required and the drains will do the jobs, allowing the abscess to close and heal completely. What an idiot I was for thinking that I could hop back into my life as before with no concerns about what I had been through.
I am sad too. I have not been able to work in almost six months. It appears I will not be able to work for at least another two months, maybe three. I am grateful that I have my transcription to fall back on so I have at least a little money coming in to pay my bills. I don't know where I would be if I didn't have at least that. I miss being in the classroom. I miss interacting with the kids. I miss exchanging ideas with the teachers and learning new strategies. Patience is the only hope at this point. I know there is a plan. I must simply be patient while it plays out.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
It is funny how long this journey has been. I expected once I hopped on treatment that time would fly by and then it would be over. It appears that this is going to be a bit longer than I anticipated. My 2011 will be gone before I am healed. Radiation will likely need to be put off a couple of weeks, which brings the end of that to December rather than November. Hopefully no further surgeries will be required and the drains will do the jobs, allowing the abscess to close and heal completely. What an idiot I was for thinking that I could hop back into my life as before with no concerns about what I had been through.
I am sad too. I have not been able to work in almost six months. It appears I will not be able to work for at least another two months, maybe three. I am grateful that I have my transcription to fall back on so I have at least a little money coming in to pay my bills. I don't know where I would be if I didn't have at least that. I miss being in the classroom. I miss interacting with the kids. I miss exchanging ideas with the teachers and learning new strategies. Patience is the only hope at this point. I know there is a plan. I must simply be patient while it plays out.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
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