Sometimes I forget...

There are days that I do not think about having cancer that often.  Today was one of those days.  I woke up early, as usual, and walked the dog.  It was warmish, not at all like a typical November day here in New England.  After that I had breakfast with the hubby and sent him off to work.  Emily was the next to head out the door and then I relaxed with the dog and my cup of coffee.  Everything seemed totally "normal."  Later I went out to pick up my transcription and go to the bank.  Again, everything seemed totally "normal."  I had an assignment at school this afternoon and took care of that, no problems (except my wig, which did not want to stay on my head).  I didn't think about my doctors or taking care of my boo-boos until someone at school asked me how I was feeling.  I said I felt terrific and couldn't wait to start radiation and get this adventure over with.  That was around 3:30 this afternoon.  It was nice to have a day when I was not focused on my illness and could just be me. 

The cold set in later this afternoon, but that was okay.  I actually did a walking work out and then completely finished my transcription.  I also got a call for an assignment tomorrow already too.  I might just forget tomorrow about my issues too.  We will have to see how I feel when I wake up. 

Christmas is coming and I do feel a little blue this year.  Lauren is gone and nothing is the same.  I have tried to do some decorating and cooking but I still feel like there is a hole that I need to fill.  No work, the kids are growing up, and the weather is warmish.  It just didn't feel right.  I think I am going to do some shopping tomorrow before I have to go to work and hopefully that will help get me in the mood.  I miss my family, who are spread all over the place at this point, and we are just not close.  Unfortunately there is too much water under the bridge for us to ever be a close family again.  Some of us find it too hard to forgive past injuries and continue to let the past ruin the present day.  Too bad the present isn't good enough that they have to reach back to feel something.  :(

Anyway, I will keep plugging along -- try to keep the spirit up and look forward to more days that I almost forget that cancer had taken over my life.  2011 is almost over and I look forward to a much better 2012.

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

Lots to be thankful for

My older daughter pointed out that she had been checking my blog only to notice that it had been a while since I had posted.  Shame on me!  It seems that since I went back to work the days have flown by and I find myself resisting any contact with my computer.  To add to this, we are on Thanksgiving break from school, which makes it equally tempting to resist contact with the computer.  Anyway, for Lauren, I am posting a few thoughts about how things are going.

The cancer is gone, as I have mentioned.  The wounds are healing nice, after a scary bout with lymphedema (I thought I had another cancer for a while there).  I now know the swelling is caused by excess fluid because of the abscess and surgeries.  I know that I need to stay well hydrated and massage any areas that tend to become enlarged and dimpled.  The biopsy for the second cancer was completely negative.  The wicks are still in place and are draining "nicely."  I guess I am doing a great job keeping things clean and progressing towards healing.  The surgeon expects that I should be healed and able to do radiation within the next month.  LET'S HOPE SO!

As for everything else, I feel great!  I am grateful to have assignments again and am eager (most days) to jump in the car and drive to whereever it is I have been assigned.  The kids have been great and the teachers are so supportive.  I have even done a school that I have only been at once, before the cancer diagnosis.  It was a good day.   This week I have a much more open schedule and look forward to taking as many as four assignments.  We will have to see how it goes.

The holidays are slipping by.  Halloween is a distant memory.  Thanksgiving is done.  I have started to make plans with the family for Hanukah and Christmas will follow soon.  I started shopping only a little.  Today is Black Friday and I refuse to become involved in the chaos of the day.  I have decided to devote my time to getting my transcription done, doing some homework, and getting caught up on e-mails and blogs that I have been avoiding.  By the end of the day I am sure I will feel like I have accomplished much.

Tomorrow our friends are coming from Portland to spend the day.  We will make some of our Christmas gifts and spend some time catching up.  It has been quite a while since we have been able to get together.  THIS is what the holidays are about, not the presents! 

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

Life trods along

So, here's the scoop.  I found skin changes and truly believed they were inflammatory breast cancer, which would a second cancer on the same breast.  After a truly emotionally charged week I saw the nurse at the surgeon's office in Boston yesterday.  First, though, I had an ultrasound.  The ultrasound revealed no fluid collections, only some skin thickening and the dimpling that was my concern in the first place.  They could not (would not) confirm or deny the possibility of IBC.  They suggested I speak with the NP that afternoon.  They did suggest that I might consider having a mammogram or MRI though, which left me just as unsettled as I was before I arrived for the ultrasound.  Luckily my friend, Trish, went to Boston with me.  Since there was lots of time before my appointment with the nurse we went to lunch, which is always very pleasant at DFCI.

Now, for the visit with the nurse.  She was amazingly wonderful.  I would expect nothing less from DFCI.  We were laughing right from the start.  She did the examination and poked and prodded and moved and bounced and pushed and... my breast all over the place.  Truly, I do not remember the last time they saw that much action!  In the end she did a skin biopsy (only because she could tell that this would be the only thing that would help me get some sleep that night) and reassured me that she expected negative results.  She was truly unimpressed by the whole concept but, out of the need to protect her license from a malpractice suit, she did say that she could not entirely rule out the possibility of IBC but she highly doubted it.  I did leave feeling better about the situation and made sure to put the prescription for antibiotics into the pharmacy so I could start first thing this morning. 

I am going to be on high alert.  I know this.  Every bump or change in my body will raise red flags and anxiety.  I have to try to remember to address each issue while trying to remember that the chemotherapy I had sent the fluids throughout my body to search out and kill any cancer cells that drifted from the original site.  They did not find any indication at surgery that this had happened, but one never knows and must be suspect.  I need to make changes in my lifestyle that will ensure complete recovery and nonrecurrence.  I will get to radiation eventually and that will be the insurance policy that I need mentally to breathe a little bit easier. 

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

I'm scared!

I went back to work on Friday.  It was amazing to be back in the classroom.  I have an assignment this afternoon and tomorrow afternoon.  This is not why I am scared, however.  Last night when I was changing my dressings I noticed that the left breast was much redder than the right and when I looked closer there was dimpling...like an orange peel.  Now, since I have been a medical transcriptionist for 20 (million) years I know this is not normal appearance for skin.  Since this is the same breast that the cancer was in makes me even more anxious.  My first instinct was that this was from edema and that it would resolve over the next day or two but since the last time I decided to rely on my strategy of waiting I was diagnosed with cancer I decided to do some checking.  First thing I checked was inflammatory breast cancer.  I knew the presentation involved redness and dimpling.  Unfortunately I could not get a good enough picture to put my mind at least.  Therefore, I did the next best thing...I called the last doctor I had seen (the wound clinic).  They could not see me this morning and I did not want to give up my assignment for this afternoon so they suggested I call my PCP, which I did, and I went in to see her.  She reassured me that it did not look like the cases of inflammatory breast cancer that she had seen in her training.  She looked worried though and is sending me for an ultrasound so I know it is not a simple case of edema.  I must practice my newly acquired skills of thinking completely positive, not worrying (which I really suck at), and being patient.  I will be back at the wound clinic Friday and hopefully by then this will all be a bad memory!

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

Things are going to be different

I am going back to work.  I have discharged the VNA.  I visited the wound clinic this morning and have learned to take care of my wounds.  The care plan is different from what I had previously and I will have to change the drains everyday myself.  This is a little concerning to me but I am guessing that after a few days this will be old tricks.  The materials we are using are a little different too.  They look the same but contain different "ingredients" to encourage wound healing.

I am excited and nervous about going back to work.  It is time.  I have been out too long and the coffers are getting low.  Even though I am still healing it is important to the well-being of my family that I start contributing financially again.  I wish my hair had grown back a little bit more so I wouldn't have to wear the wig when I go in but it hasn't so off I will go with the bright blond locks.  I'm sure it will be fine.  It will certainly be nice to be working with kids again!

As for other things...we missed Halloween and trick-or-treating because of a big snowstorm and power outage.  They have rescheduled for Saturday but I am guessing that there will not be as many kids and that, well, it's just not the same!  Thanksgiving is going to happen for my family Sunday, 11/13 because of scheduling issues and prior commitments.  We will then visit with my father and stepmother on Thanksgiving.  I'm guessing we will be pretty sick of turkey by that time.  From there we are on to HanaChristmas.  I am so not ready to begin thinking about that.  No money means very few gifts this year!  I am hoping to get enough subbing to at least make it memorable. 

In the meantime, there is school.  Things are going okay but it seems like just as I get into a course it is time to pick the next ones.  I have picked my classes for next semester already, which means I only have three classes left (and an internship) before I am done with my masters.  I have to start thinking about where I would like to do my internship so I can present options to the Dept. of  Ed.  I still need to write an essay for my application too.  I thought I had it done but I can't seem to locate it.  It will just need to be done again. 

Anyway...

Kim :~)