What happened to spring?

I just came in from walking the dog on yet another rainy day.  I know this is April and we are supposed to get "showers" but for goodness sake, why is every day a cold and rainy one lately?  Bubba really smells bad!  True, the daffodils are blooming and the lilacs are budding, heck even the weeping cherry is starting to show signs of life but really do we need this much rain to progress into summer? 

We had great news this week!  I had my second round of testing on Wednesday and then a biopsy on Friday.  I know last week we had met with the nurse practitioner and we all were excited about not feeling the lump anymore but now we have confirmation of the lump being "gone."  I am sure it has not completely disappeared but they could only find the marker on the ultrasound for biopsy.  They were saying, rather than where the tumor is, where the tumor was.  I have had six chemo treatments and it is awesome to hear that it is working so well.  We still have to have the rest of the chemo, surgery, and then radiation but at least now I am extremely hopeful that it will be gone in the end and hopefully this will be a chapter in my life I can use to grow from and never have to repeat.  What have I learned?  Hmmm.....

One thing could be that as awful as today might seem, tomorrow (even if it is still raining) is a gift that I should never take for granted.  I rejoice in another rainy day.  I look for the joy (like the flowers) that it will bring in the near future.  I appreciate every day more than the one before because there is no guarantee that tomorrow will come for any of us.  Rainy or not, I look forward to daybreak and the promise of another day with my family and friends.  The best part is that tomorrow is Easter and I will get to each chocolate!  :)  First church, then chocolate. 

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

Finally Friday...

It seems like some weeks fly by while others last FOREVER!  This was one of those weeks.  Monday and Tuesday brought family for Seder, Wednesday was spent in Boston (all day) for tests, and today I spent the day putting Seder dishes away and getting the house back to normal.  There are still a few days left until Passover will be done but at least now we have the furniture back where it belongs, the bulk of the dishes and supplies are put away, and we can continue almost like normal.  Chemo was postponed until tomorrow so it makes the week seem just a little bit longer.

Seders went well.  For the most part everyone behaved.  There was a lot of tension, though, among the kitchen crew.  I'm not sure what that was all about but I am willing to bet it is deep-rooted and will never be truly resolved.  Thank you to my daughters, though, who were big helps when the time came.  Could not have done it without them.  Thank you to the family and to Bubbe and Aunt Shelly for their guidance and support.  The funny thing too is that, although my blood pressures had been running high, when I took them on Monday and Tuesday nights, after having the entire family here, they were almost normal.  I'm not sure what that says about me...or them. 

I am looking forward to Easter now.  I WANT CHOCOLATE in the worse way!  Sunday, after Mass, I will have my first taste since being diagnosed.  I hope that this doesn't go the way of black jelly beans and turn out being something I just can't stomach while I am recovering.  I can almost deal with not having jelly beans, but chocolate...  I am keeping the fingers crossed. 

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

Happy Passover to all...

One Seder is done and the other follows within hours.  Quietly I await the return of "normal."  My poor dog is wandering the house wondering where "his" spot has gone.  There are tables where there used to be floor space.  The couch is pushed way over against the wall.  His pillow has been moved to the family room -- exiled to the family room -- poor Bubba!  The cats are also displaced.  They are looking for their lunch in the usual spot and refuse to accept that they must eat lunch in the basement this week.  They are not very accepting and at this point I'm thinking "too darned bad if they can't get it straight."  They are way too fussy and pampered to begin with.  If they want to give me grief they can simply wait until next week to have their regular lunch.  Tomorrow would be almost normal if I was not going into Boston for more testing. 

I am feeling a little frustrated by that too.  My testing schedule has been changed about five times now and I am not completely appreciative of that.  I am now receiving news that rather than being in Boston tomorrow at 7:00 as expected, I don't have to be there until 9:00.  That puts my ride at work and my daughter (who has graciously offered to step in and bring me to Malden) right in the middle of commuter traffic.  To boot, I have one test in the morning and the other isn't until 4:00 in the afternoon.  That sucks, big time!  I'm sure it will turn out to be a wonderful day for an adventure but after all this holiday prep crap I want to rest a bit and not be traveling all day.  Oh well, why should I complain...I'm getting better.

So anyway, Happy Passover to my Jewish family and friends.  Have a wonderful Easter to all my Christian friends.  Remember this too shall pass. 

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

Great news, and not so good news

Things have been going wonderfully so far.  I have felt pretty well most days.  I have had little to no side effects from the chemo and I have an awesome support network.  The greatest news of all, however, is that the lump is no longer palpable (we can't feel it), which means the chemo is working and my prognosis is awesome.  My providers are very encouraged by the progress.   

There is always some not so good news too though.  My blood pressure is high because of the chemo and I will probably need to go on medication for that.  One more medication to add to my never-ending supply it seems.  Luckily this is a temporary situation and will not be necessary once the chemo is finished.  I add this to the fact that my veins are deteriorating and finding a place to put the IV every week is becoming more difficult.  My hands are black and blue from being stuck.  I know they want to persevere the arms for after surgery but seriously we have to find some way to lessen the black and blues. 

Beyond that things are going well.  I am very tired from all the prep for Passover and Easter.  I have had help luckily and I did not have to have the meltdown I expected I would have to have.  I do find I am a little short with everyone right now though.  I think a nap for a couple of hours will probably fix that right up.  Of course getting rid of the heartburn that has crept into my chest this morning might also be helpful.  There is one particular medication that is supposed to keep my stomach from getting upset that really seems to lead to heartburn.  Luckily there is only one more pill to take this time around and I don't have to take it every time.  Thank God for Maalox.  It takes care of the heartburn almost immediately so just a trip upstairs will make me feel better. 

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

Rainy Wednesday

Today was a better day than yesterday.  It rained (poured actually) for most of the day and it was gray and raw -- my least favorite kind of day.  Although...I noticed the trees are really fuzzy now with all the buds, which means it won't be long until we have leaves again.  My flower beds are bursting with new foliage and my fingers are getting itchy to be back in the dirt.  I think it might just be time to start the tomato plants.  I'm going to try the upside-down ones this year and see how well this method actually works. 

We are back to chemo tomorrow.  I have had such an awesome week symptom-wise that I am dreading the infusion tomorrow.  Anyway, there is more testing coming up next week too.  I hear I will have another PET scan and MRI as well as another biopsy.  I must have been picked for the extra biopsy because I thought I would not have another one until close to the end of treatment.  Whatever...I will just be a good patient and do what the doctor tells me.  I know there has been some confusion with scheduling this week so I hope that when we get there tomorrow everything is all cleared up.  I will have to make arrangements for rides. 

Oh...my hair has actually started falling out (the little bit I have left after shaving it).  Luckily my wigs came in today and gave us all quite a laugh.  There is one that looks like I have an animal on my head (obvious not a great wig) and the other is not so bad -- but very blond.  I didn't expect it to be so blond but, then again, summer is coming and my hair is always lighter in the summer.  I think I have actually gotten comfortable with the buzz cut I have been sporting for a couple of weeks now.  It will be sad to see it go.  I am still holding out hope for keeping my eyebrows and eyelashes, but whatever will be will be.  They will grow back once the chemo is done and I am well on the road to recovery.  I noticed recently that I can no longer feel the lump.  I am hoping that is good news. 

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

Tough week...and it's only Tuesday!

I was told right from the beginning that there would be times when I just could not do what I wanted to do.  Of course...I know that...I will just do the best I can.  That is just what I have done, so far, but now I feel like I am crashing against a wall with a list of stuff to do that is a mile long and there is no one around who can help me with it.  Passover starts Monday!  My house is not ready.  My kitchen is not ready.  I am not ready!  I said I would not be as fussy this year about how things were done.  Unfortunately I am still me.  I still am obsessive about doing "things right."  I still feel like if it is not done right, it is not done.  Too much right now. 

I know my husband said he would "take care of it."  He will do what he can, but he can't do it all.  The girls did their rooms.  I'm sorry girls, but those rooms are not PASSOVER CLEAN.  I know you tried and I know I am being way too critical today, but panic mode has set in and I am feeling overwhelmed.  I will try to relax and let you finish on Saturday but if I don't see action Saturday morning I know I am going to freak and try to do it myself.  Please...save me from me. 

I have stressed also over school this week.  It seems like there is a never-ending list of assignments that need to be managed.  I seem to cram it all in on Monday and Tuesday (bad planning on my part), which only adds to my list of things to obsess over.  Luckily everything is done now (except the Passover cleaning) and I am going to take a few minutes for me.  After lunch I will see how I feel and maybe, just maybe, I will clean my own bedroom and cross that off the list.  If things go really well, maybe the bathroom will get cleaned too, but I don't think I am going to push myself too hard.   I will try hard to pace myself so I can get through class tonight.  I don't want to fall asleep on the way home!

Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim

Another Monday...

Mondays come so fast!!!  It seems like I was just in Boston yesterday and today is Monday already.  I actually experienced nausea today.  It was fleeting and probably related to the headache I woke up with but at least now I can say I have had some and I no longer have to feel guilty for feeling well most days.  Today has been a very busy Monday and I have yet to rest at all but I feel a great sense of accomplishment with everything I have done.  I have read a chapter for school.  I have driven to City Hall to get my daughter's copy of her birth certificate so she can start driver's ed as well as got her the application for her work permit.  Yes we are sending the baby girl off to the workforce!  I have also gotten most of my homework done for class tomorrow!  Yeah me!

I have to attend a meeting later this evening for Em's confirmation.  I have to keep reminding myself because the mind is not as sharp as it was before the diagnosis.  I believe this will be temporary, like the other symptoms  -- at least I hope so.  I rely on notes and reminders like never before!

It is a beautiful Monday with our first temperatures around 70.  As tempted as I am to drop the top on the car, I don't want to risk getting sick.  Oh, I know better than that...as soon as I get outside the top will be down and I will be cruising with the dog in the backseat.  As a matter of fact, what better time than now!

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

The waiting room...

After arriving at my lab appointment yesterday I had the opportunity to sit and wait (what a surprise in a lab, huh?!)  As I waited I took the opportunity to observe.  In the waiting room there are patients at all stages of recovery.  I am just beginning my own treatment but I could already tell the veterans from the newbies (newer than me).  There is definitely a procedure to checking in to the lab.  Each patient is asked by the lab receptionist "Could the next person step forward, please."  The patient card is then requested, followed by verification of the name and date of birth.  "Have you had any cold or flu symptoms?" is the next question requiring an answer.  A bracelet is placed on a wrist, a schedule for the day is then provided to the patient, and they are instructed to sit.  All of this is done in the kindest way possible, of course. 

Once seated, you wait.  It is not hard to overhear other conversations and you get a sense of other patients' situations and support systems.  It is great to see those with a great support system and sad to see those hairless individuals who sit alone waiting to hear their name called.  Lab techs come and go from each door calling names (first name, last initial)  and each patient smiles, leaves the seat, and proceeds to the tech calling their name.  The bracelet is checked for the name and the patient is asked to give their name and date of birth.  Once confirmed the patient is escorted to their phlebotomist for the day.  The day of treatment has begun. 

What I find fascinating is that after a couple of visits people just know what they are going to do and the flow is so smooth.  Stand at the sign, wait to be called to the desk, show your card, confirm you name and date of birth, receive bracelet and schedule and then sit.  Stand when called, proceed to the tech, present bracelet, repeat name and date of birth, and follow escort to phlebotomist.  Blood work, IV or port, and proceed to treatment, as per schedule.  It is amazingly simple and well thought out.  It certainly gives the patient a sense of security that details are so often checked to avoid mistakes.  I know I am slipping into the routine quite readily.  I know I will be asked many times during my day of treatment to repeat my name and date of birth.  I know now the providers are not losing their minds or just not listening but are assuring that the care I recieve is the care that is indicated for ME.  It gives me great faith that this battle will be won with the wonderful provider army that I have fighting for me.  Thanks to God for that!

Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim

Let's talk about spring...

Spring is a time of new beginnings.  We celebrate Passover and Easter, which help us recall our pasts and that new beginnings came from horrible situations.  I think the biggest lesson I learned in history class in school was that everything cycles.  There are times of peace and times of war, times of destruction and times of renaissaince, times of desperation (like the Great Depression) and times of great prosperity (like the 80s?! -- so I'm told).  I also learned that bad styles and great trends always come back.  Wouldn't it be great if we could pick and choose what comes back.  Well, in a way can't we.  Even though bellbottoms come  back in vogue does it really mean we have to wear them?  It is definitely a choice, right?

I choose to focus on the wonderful things I see happening outside my door.  The crocuses smile at me each morning.  My daffodils are getting ready to burst with their color and even the forsythia are threatening to break forth in spring song.  Who am I to focus on the gray of my interior walls when so much color is popping through outside.  Okay, so the lawn is still a wonderful shade of golden brown (especially next to my neighbor's wonderful sprinkle-fed, Greenlawn lawn) but there is always hope for that.  My apple tree will bloom in the next few weeks and I am sure the birds are building nests in my backyard as we speak.  They have been busily bustling around the front yard tormenting the cat. 

I have not seen temperatures on the weather map with anything less than a 4 in the tens place during the day.  The nights are no longer slipping into the 20s or teens either.  The 60s are promised for this weekend.  How can anyone see this and not at least break into a brief song of "Spring, Spring -- Glorious Spring!"  There is so much beauty about spring and coming out of a long winter that I must celebrate.  I think I am going to go get the mail, check out the temperatures, and maybe drop the top on the convertible and take the dog for a ride!  Why not?!

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

Things I didn't think of...

When I heard the diagnosis cancer I thought...mastectomy, chemo, radiation, nausea, vomiting, sickness, being tired, and losing my hair.  What never occurred to me is that I would not have these symptoms, but there would be others.  I have not really been particularly nauseous or had vomiting.  I have not felt particularly sick.  I have not yet "lost" my hair -- my daughters shaved it for me.  Mastectomy is not necessarily the only solution in my case but that is something we will decide later this summer.  I have had days when I have been very tired and needed to rest, but most have been "normal."  My biggest complaints have been heartburn, hemorrhoids  (Sorry folks!), and hot flashes.  I no longer like black jelly beans.  The thought of them makes me queasy.  Steve is loving this though.  I am craving chocolate BIG TIME,  but gave it up for Lent.  I will persevere. 

I didn't think about how long the journey was going to be.  I decided at the beginning to take it one day at a time, one minute at a time if necessary.  I am gearing up for my third chemo session now and I have 16 total.  I can't think about the whole course right now.  Today is good.  Tomorrow might be tough, or not.  I am living for this moment, something I have never been able to do before but have always wanted to.  This moment is good. 

I didn't think about how much I love my family and they love me.  We too often take this for granted.  We are loved and loved.  Cherish is the word I use now.  I cherish each moment we get to be together.  They seem to be getting few and far between the further into the course we go.  Things are starting to get crazy as we get ready for Passover and Easter.  So much to do and sometimes not enough energy.  Again, I go back to the moment at a time.  Family is here to help.  I ask for help now and will hopefully continue to do so in the future.  Rest is my friend.  I rest when I need to.  I cherish this journey that brings me such wonderful insight. 

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

Second Saturday

This is a better Saturday than last.  I was so tired last Saturday I took a 2-hour nap in the middle of the day.  It is almost bedtime now and I have not felt the need to nap yet.  Hopefully I will have another good night of sleep, like last night.  I have only taken one prescription pill for nausea today but I have needed to take Zantac also and a bit of antacid.  Nausea is not my problem, heartburn is!  I have to remember to drink plenty of water too.  Water seems to make the biggest difference in how I feel -- the more the better. 

Today I worked, like normal.  I walked and chatted with friends, like normal.  I went out to dinner with hubby, like normal.  There are many days when I feel normal and almost forget that there is a huge battle going on in my body.  The sun comes up, I walk the dog, I make breakfast, joke with the family, clean up, and basically go about my life, like normal.  I can certainly understand why some are concerned about me, thinking I am still in denial.  Life often seems quite normal.  I am, however, aware that things are not my "normal" normal.  There is a battle going on.  I am sick right now, but every like-normal day reminds  me that this is a temporary situation and my chances of overcoming this are excellent, providing I follow what my doctors recommend and take time and care of me. 

Who knows what tomorrow will bring for me.  I only know that right now I feel okay.  I have spent a wonderful day with my husband and children, friends, and loved ones.  I have eaten well.  I have spent time being active.  I have spent time reflecting and being grateful.  I know God is with me.  He will guide me through this and I will, hopefully, learn the lesson I am meant to learn.  I am not afraid.  I am certain that there is something good that will come out of all of this, even if it is just the lesson for those who are in my life that it is very important to take care of themselves.  Get those mammograms, do the self-exams, see your doctor regularly.  You are an important part of this world and must take care of you. 

Keeping the faith!  :~)
Kim

Family and friends

During my infusion yesterday I met with the social worker.  We discussed many things about my diagnosis, my treatment, my viewpoints and outlooks, as well as my support system.  Putting it down on paper certainly brings it to reality.  My "tree" is a mighty oak with lots of branches and limbs.  As I have said previously, I am very, very blessed.  It certainly gave me a moment to reflect on those less so.  I cannot imagine sitting in that infusion chair with no one sitting next to me, no one there to drive me home so I could sleep, and no one calling to see how I was feeling afterwards.  The thought breaks my heart and certainly puts a seed in my head about how to help when I am better. 

For now I want to focus on those wonderful family members and friends who grace my world.  These are people who have aggravated me, harrassed me, loved me and no matter what I know will be there for me.  There are a few who have disappointed me and I will try to find forgiveness in my heart.  They are few, though, and I know they have issues of their own to deal with so that will help me to forgive them.  The rest have been wonderful.  Anything I need, I only need to ask.  Dinners have been arriving from neighbors on chemo nights.  I have drivers lined up if Steve needs to be at work for anything or if I need shopping or just want to be "out."  I also have friends who are willing to just hang out and watch a movie if I ask.  I AM SO LUCKY AND BLESSED!

Thanks to my family and friends.  You have been wonderful!  I love Fridays with Dad and Nana.  I am looking forward to movies with Trish.  I like my dinners with Lauren and hope we can start our walks again soon.  I enjoy afternoons with Emily just chillin' and our impromptu shopping trips (although shopping with a 16-year-old is not fun for very long, I enjoy our time together).  Steve is my favorite chemo companion.  I am so grateful to have them all!

Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim