I was so nervous and scared. I had not gone back to school since the diagnosis. I was not sure what people would think about my hair, or lack thereof. I was not sure what my peers were told about my "illness," but I definitely got the opinion that it was not much. I was certainly not feeling confident about sitting in the dining hall with my daughter eating away with such an obvious "deficiency." I tried to make it alright but still I was self-conscious.
Anyway, it was okay. I am feeling self-conscious about my hair. That seems so stupid to me since I am the one who chose to shave my head at this point. The doctors tell me there was time before it would start to fall out. I wanted to be the one to choose when and how, especially since I had absolutely no choice about getting cancer in the first place! The class itself was interesting and thoughtful. There are some great thinkers there and I know that I will be inspired by them! The class is going to be TOUGH since it covers the biggest part part of my chemo. There is a lot of work to be done and the teacher is enthusiastic about her course materials. I have a job ahead but I know I can do it, a little at a time.
Last night was good. Today is good. Tomorrow will be fine. One day at a time, as Grammy used to say!
Keeping the faith! :~)
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
First treatment down
No one said this was going to be fun, or easy. I understand, really I do. I am very lucky, though. I am surrounded by so many people who want to be there to help me get better. I have a wonderful family, great neighbors, fantastic friends, and a supportive community within school and church, all of whom want me to be successful in this battle. I feel the support every day and work to be grateful for the prayers and support. I feel the warmth of my support system.
I will be honest in saying this is scary. I hate the idea of not having hair. I hate the idea that I have constant heartburn, but I must admit this is better than nausea. I don't like the idea of possibly losing my fingernails. I am not fond of the temperature shifts -- one minute I am freezing and the next I am having a hot flash. I thought this was supposed to happen until menopause. Still, I have to laugh at myself for being such a whiny pants. Every symptom I have reminds me I am still breathing and still alive and likely to continue to be so, as long as I do as I am told. I have awesome caretakers and they know what they are doing.
I have no testing this week, only chemo. This time there is only one infusion so it is hopefully going to be an "easy" week. We need to go into Boston later which will help us avoid the traffic. The infusion will not last as long as last week either. These are all positives in my book. The sooner it is over, the sooner I can begin the next round of recuperating. I am really loving my afternoon naps! :)
I also plan to go back to school this week. I have cut my classes to one this time around so I can get a better feel for how well I will be able to cope. I look forward to getting back to supper dates with my daughter and taking our walks for mommy/daughter talks. I have missed this and I hope to be able to enjoy this throughout the spring, until she leaves me to come home. I guess I will need to supply my own suppers then.
Thanks for all the support and kindness! It gives me great strength.
Keeping the faith! :~)
I will be honest in saying this is scary. I hate the idea of not having hair. I hate the idea that I have constant heartburn, but I must admit this is better than nausea. I don't like the idea of possibly losing my fingernails. I am not fond of the temperature shifts -- one minute I am freezing and the next I am having a hot flash. I thought this was supposed to happen until menopause. Still, I have to laugh at myself for being such a whiny pants. Every symptom I have reminds me I am still breathing and still alive and likely to continue to be so, as long as I do as I am told. I have awesome caretakers and they know what they are doing.
I have no testing this week, only chemo. This time there is only one infusion so it is hopefully going to be an "easy" week. We need to go into Boston later which will help us avoid the traffic. The infusion will not last as long as last week either. These are all positives in my book. The sooner it is over, the sooner I can begin the next round of recuperating. I am really loving my afternoon naps! :)
I also plan to go back to school this week. I have cut my classes to one this time around so I can get a better feel for how well I will be able to cope. I look forward to getting back to supper dates with my daughter and taking our walks for mommy/daughter talks. I have missed this and I hope to be able to enjoy this throughout the spring, until she leaves me to come home. I guess I will need to supply my own suppers then.
Thanks for all the support and kindness! It gives me great strength.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Testing is done, chemo begins
I am glad that my doctors are thorough. I have had almost every test you could imagine -- CT scan, bone scan, MRI, echo, mamm/ultrasound, PET scan, and on and on and on. Now that everything is done I can begin to heal. Chemo starts in the morning and I am glad to start my healing.
I have been so busy getting ready I really have not had time to think about what is about to happen to me. I find it ironic that I have worked my entire life to keep the toxins out of my body and now I will be deliberately pumping them in to save my life. I have this evening to think about getting sick and losing my hair. I am certainly not looking forward to that. Actually I have planned to let the girls shave my head on Saturday. We will make it a family affair. Steve wants to make designs. Fine, whatever...as long as we can shave it off afterwards and it won't look silly.
I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow but I will try to stay positive and know that every treatment brings me closer to being healthy again.
Keeping the faith! :~)
I have been so busy getting ready I really have not had time to think about what is about to happen to me. I find it ironic that I have worked my entire life to keep the toxins out of my body and now I will be deliberately pumping them in to save my life. I have this evening to think about getting sick and losing my hair. I am certainly not looking forward to that. Actually I have planned to let the girls shave my head on Saturday. We will make it a family affair. Steve wants to make designs. Fine, whatever...as long as we can shave it off afterwards and it won't look silly.
I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow but I will try to stay positive and know that every treatment brings me closer to being healthy again.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Thanks!
I am not sure if there is any good way to show appreciation for those in my life who step up to the plate at times like this and are willing to do anything I need. I have been overwhelmed by the show of support that I have received. Everyone wants to know what I need them to do for me. The simple answer is...I don't know yet. Transportation to and from the hospital seems to be the focus for now and we have that covered so far. I am still feeling great so taking care of the house and doing shopping is not something I need right now, maybe soon. I feel badly when I have to tell people I really don't need anything right now except their positive thoughts and well wishes. Those have been an amazing source of strength for me. I know it doesn't seem like much to those who want to get their hands dirty with me but it has given me strength I really didn't know I had. I know I am strong but the added strength has certainly helped.
As I begin chemo this week I think it might be nice to have some dinners in the freezer so my daughter will not feel the need to take over and run things. It is not her job to be the mom so I really would like to spare her that. It also would be great if my floors could get swept and the bathrooms could be cleaned but, again, life will not change tremendously if these are not done as regularly as they had been. It is just my need to keep control over the household. I need to chill and ignore the dust for another day. Maybe next week I will feel better and will be able to dust and sweep and scrub. If not, I will reach out for help.
To those who have offered help, please know the offer is appreciated. As we need things we will reach out and let people know. Until then, keep the thoughts and prayers coming my way, our way. I have turned a wall in my office into what I am calling my Wall of Hope. When I start to feel badly about my circumstances or maybe am not feeling 100% I come here and read my cards and look at my poster. I certainly gather strength for the support and know that hope is near. Thanks again!
Keeping the faith :)
As I begin chemo this week I think it might be nice to have some dinners in the freezer so my daughter will not feel the need to take over and run things. It is not her job to be the mom so I really would like to spare her that. It also would be great if my floors could get swept and the bathrooms could be cleaned but, again, life will not change tremendously if these are not done as regularly as they had been. It is just my need to keep control over the household. I need to chill and ignore the dust for another day. Maybe next week I will feel better and will be able to dust and sweep and scrub. If not, I will reach out for help.
To those who have offered help, please know the offer is appreciated. As we need things we will reach out and let people know. Until then, keep the thoughts and prayers coming my way, our way. I have turned a wall in my office into what I am calling my Wall of Hope. When I start to feel badly about my circumstances or maybe am not feeling 100% I come here and read my cards and look at my poster. I certainly gather strength for the support and know that hope is near. Thanks again!
Keeping the faith :)
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Time to think
Sometimes I am glad it is just me and the dog and the cats. Hubby went back to work today and the kids are at school. I can think without worrying about who is watching me and worrying about what I'm thinking. I know that I have told everyone not to worry about me and that worry is a negative emotion, which just takes away from the positive energy I need, but sometimes that is hard for me to do myself. I worry about words like "invasive" and "aggressive" and "triple negative". You would think "small cell" would make me feel a little better but I know from experience that is not the kind of cancer you want to get (not that you want to get any kind actually). It's not the worst and can certainly be "cured" but still I would prefer not to have cancer, thank you!!
Invasive means the tumor has an opening and cells can escape. Then kill the damned thing right now! I certainly don't want cancer cells traveling free will through my body. Aggressive means the cancer grows quickly...but it also means we will hit this with everything there is available. Great, but will it be enough?! Let's hope. Triple negative means there is nothing hormonally that will affect it. Chemo is the only thing that has a chance. I didn't even ask, now that I think about it, what that chance was. The doctors all sounded positive and I know they are going to throw a ton of chemo drugs at it. We are even doing chemo first to have the best chance of killing all the cancer cells -- 20 weeks to boot. That doesn't seem too long, until you think about it being almost fall before I am done. Anyone want my pool? -- I'm probably not going to be using it this summer and I am certainly not going to have the energy to clean it every day. Small cell appears to mean aggressively growing and hard to stop, but not unbeatable.
Today it rained. My mood matched. I feel cold and raw and just miserable. The alone time allowed me to wander the house and complete tasks that should not be left undone. I read articles on line about cancers and worried a little. What if this really is not the primary and it did come from my lungs or somewhere else? What if it is not the only cancer in my body? I can only hope that I will be enrolled in the study and that all the tests will help confirm what the doctors seem to feel so confident about. This is triple-negative, aggressively forming, invasive small cell breast cancer and with chemotherapy, surgery, and radiation therapy the outcome will be good. I trust them. They are the experts.
I trust God more and know that he will guide me through this.
Keeping the faith! :)
Invasive means the tumor has an opening and cells can escape. Then kill the damned thing right now! I certainly don't want cancer cells traveling free will through my body. Aggressive means the cancer grows quickly...but it also means we will hit this with everything there is available. Great, but will it be enough?! Let's hope. Triple negative means there is nothing hormonally that will affect it. Chemo is the only thing that has a chance. I didn't even ask, now that I think about it, what that chance was. The doctors all sounded positive and I know they are going to throw a ton of chemo drugs at it. We are even doing chemo first to have the best chance of killing all the cancer cells -- 20 weeks to boot. That doesn't seem too long, until you think about it being almost fall before I am done. Anyone want my pool? -- I'm probably not going to be using it this summer and I am certainly not going to have the energy to clean it every day. Small cell appears to mean aggressively growing and hard to stop, but not unbeatable.
Today it rained. My mood matched. I feel cold and raw and just miserable. The alone time allowed me to wander the house and complete tasks that should not be left undone. I read articles on line about cancers and worried a little. What if this really is not the primary and it did come from my lungs or somewhere else? What if it is not the only cancer in my body? I can only hope that I will be enrolled in the study and that all the tests will help confirm what the doctors seem to feel so confident about. This is triple-negative, aggressively forming, invasive small cell breast cancer and with chemotherapy, surgery, and radiation therapy the outcome will be good. I trust them. They are the experts.
I trust God more and know that he will guide me through this.
Keeping the faith! :)
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
First visit to Dana Farber
Today was a good day, relatively speaking. We met with the surgeon and oncologist today as well as the radiation oncologist and trial coordinator. I decided to participate in a clinical trial with some new medications, providing I qualify. After talking it over with hubby we decided that since the basic chemotherapy program was the center of the new trial we would commit to it. I will receive the basic chemotherapy and possibly a combination of the new medications. My feeling is that there has to be a reason that I have been given this challenge. If a little extra discomfort on my part can save another from suffering then I have to do it.
Anyway, there is relief but, of course, we realize there are no guarantees. The doctors were optimistic and we feel more at ease but there is always the chance that something will come up that is unexpected. We will continue to hope for the best and stay as positive as possible. I am going to be spending a LOT of time in Boston. I love Boston and will try to focus on what I love about it rather than the discomfort I am experiencing at the moment. Discomfort will pass and life will continue.
At this point I want to focus on getting better. I am meditating on having a healthy body and have bought a game that to me represents the opportunity to destroy my tumor cells (I get to smash a bunch of blocks). This makes me feel empowered!
Keeping the faith! :)
Anyway, there is relief but, of course, we realize there are no guarantees. The doctors were optimistic and we feel more at ease but there is always the chance that something will come up that is unexpected. We will continue to hope for the best and stay as positive as possible. I am going to be spending a LOT of time in Boston. I love Boston and will try to focus on what I love about it rather than the discomfort I am experiencing at the moment. Discomfort will pass and life will continue.
At this point I want to focus on getting better. I am meditating on having a healthy body and have bought a game that to me represents the opportunity to destroy my tumor cells (I get to smash a bunch of blocks). This makes me feel empowered!
Keeping the faith! :)
Monday, March 14, 2011
First things first...
I want to start by saying that I have been very diligent about yearly exams, mammograms, eating as naturally as possible, and staying mildly active. I felt like I was doing everything right. Still...I found the lump. Having worked in the medical field for most of my adult life I knew that lumps occasionally pop up and that they can go away on their own. I assumed this would be the case. When, after a couple of months, it did not I decided to have it checked out. Wow! This was the beginning of the whirlwind!
In the past two weeks I have been poked, prodded, pinched, manipulated, incised, and reassured by some wonderful people. Everyone smiles and tells you not to worry, everything will be okay. I believe that 98% of the time. However, their eyes spoke different words and I knew the final result would be less than ideal. Therefore, 2% of the time I cry and feel bad for myself and my family. I know that is normal and will happen.
I await tomorrow and know that whatever they tell me I will handle -- sometimes well and other times not so well. I am surrounded by people who love me and want to help. My biggest challenge is going to be letting go of my control on my life and letting others do things for me the way they do things.
Keeping the faith! :)
In the past two weeks I have been poked, prodded, pinched, manipulated, incised, and reassured by some wonderful people. Everyone smiles and tells you not to worry, everything will be okay. I believe that 98% of the time. However, their eyes spoke different words and I knew the final result would be less than ideal. Therefore, 2% of the time I cry and feel bad for myself and my family. I know that is normal and will happen.
I await tomorrow and know that whatever they tell me I will handle -- sometimes well and other times not so well. I am surrounded by people who love me and want to help. My biggest challenge is going to be letting go of my control on my life and letting others do things for me the way they do things.
Keeping the faith! :)
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