It has been a long year and a lot of things have happened in my life. I have always believed that things in life have a cycle. There is a beginning and an end and all the stuff that happens in the middle. Each cycle leads to a new understanding with all understandings adding together to create the knowledge we are here to gain. I feel now that the time has come to end my cancer blog. A new cycle is beginning that I will call recovery. The battle is over.
I thank those who have followed my blog through the journey. I know there have been some who have been faithful and others who have been occasional visitors. Either way I appreciate the support you have provided. I hope never to have to blog about such things again. From here on it will be a survivor's story.
Enjoy your own personal journeys and thanks for sharing mine.
Be well always,
Kim :~)
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Thursday, May 31, 2012
all is well
My visit with my Boston doctors went well. Everyone is happy with the progress. I don't have to go back now until September, which is great!!
School is drawing to a close and I am crazy with finishing up assignments and getting ready for my last class. I will intern this fall at the Cooperative Middle School in Stratham. I am hopeful things will go well and I will learn a lot! From what I hear there are a good number of students who require alternate assessments and this is not something I would likely get anywhere else. See, everything DOES happen for a reason!
Otherwise things are unremarkable. Camp is open. Our Spanish student will be arriving 6/27. My girls are the same as always, as is Steve. Not much exciting here in Shapiroland.
:)
Kim
School is drawing to a close and I am crazy with finishing up assignments and getting ready for my last class. I will intern this fall at the Cooperative Middle School in Stratham. I am hopeful things will go well and I will learn a lot! From what I hear there are a good number of students who require alternate assessments and this is not something I would likely get anywhere else. See, everything DOES happen for a reason!
Otherwise things are unremarkable. Camp is open. Our Spanish student will be arriving 6/27. My girls are the same as always, as is Steve. Not much exciting here in Shapiroland.
:)
Kim
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Life takes over
I was so much better at this blogging thing while I was out of work and getting treatment. Things seem to get away from me now and I have been very busy. I am almost, ALMOST looking forward to summer break. What I think is wonderful is that this summer I will not be spending my days at the hospital, we will have a student from Spain for July, and I don't have to worry (well I have to consider, but not worry) about making sure I have enough sunscreen on. I can work in my gardens and go places. I should have energy enough to have a really great summer. I AM SO GRATEFUL!
I actually have a visit with my oncologist on Thursday. I will make the trek to Boston and check in. It almost makes me nauseous at this point to think about going there, especially when I think about everything I went through to get better. Again, I am so grateful to be on this side of the diagnosis.
Summer is coming quickly. School is winding down (both work school and school school). I have gotten my placement for the fall and I think it is going to be terrific! I was not thrilled about going to the Co-Op but, as I always say, thing work out the way they are supposed to and there is a reason for everything. I really like the teacher I will be working with. We have very similar teaching styles and belief systems. I think I will get a lot out of it.
Looking forward to (and am grateful for) a future!
Kim
I actually have a visit with my oncologist on Thursday. I will make the trek to Boston and check in. It almost makes me nauseous at this point to think about going there, especially when I think about everything I went through to get better. Again, I am so grateful to be on this side of the diagnosis.
Summer is coming quickly. School is winding down (both work school and school school). I have gotten my placement for the fall and I think it is going to be terrific! I was not thrilled about going to the Co-Op but, as I always say, thing work out the way they are supposed to and there is a reason for everything. I really like the teacher I will be working with. We have very similar teaching styles and belief systems. I think I will get a lot out of it.
Looking forward to (and am grateful for) a future!
Kim
Monday, May 14, 2012
Everything is different now...
I'm different now. Things that seemed to bother me greatly in the past are like water off a duck's back. Still, there are things now that are SOOOO important to me and I will stand my ground to preserve them. One of these things is my sense of self. I am valuable and unique and gifted in ways that many others are not. I am not being conceited here -- I am simply stating that I have talents and gifts from God that are unique to me and I see a value in the little things now that I used to take for granted. I am kind, smart, loyal, and have great faith in my God, my fellow human beings, and myself. I get that things do not always work out as we think they should but they always work out the way they are supposed to. Sometimes we just have to give up butting heads and let the chips fall. It always turns out right.
There has been much upheaval lately. Steve and I butted heads big time over the weekend but managed to love each other through it. We ended up having a great weekend and I think we both realize how much we truly love each other and are willing to fight to stay together. That being said, no one can push my buttons the way he can, or I can his. Sometimes I wonder how we have managed to get through times like this and I know there is divine intervention going on here and for that I am grateful.
Other family members and friends are not faring as well. My prayers go out to Jess and Glen and Mike and his wife. Remember the plan is not really ours to determine. Have faith that things will turn out as they should. There is no guarantee that we have the people in our lives forever. Some come and go quickly while others stay and yet others come and go from our lives as the need presents. Appreciate them while you have them. It's impossible to do so once they are gone.
Feeling a little melancholy and reflective today I guess...
Kim :~)
There has been much upheaval lately. Steve and I butted heads big time over the weekend but managed to love each other through it. We ended up having a great weekend and I think we both realize how much we truly love each other and are willing to fight to stay together. That being said, no one can push my buttons the way he can, or I can his. Sometimes I wonder how we have managed to get through times like this and I know there is divine intervention going on here and for that I am grateful.
Other family members and friends are not faring as well. My prayers go out to Jess and Glen and Mike and his wife. Remember the plan is not really ours to determine. Have faith that things will turn out as they should. There is no guarantee that we have the people in our lives forever. Some come and go quickly while others stay and yet others come and go from our lives as the need presents. Appreciate them while you have them. It's impossible to do so once they are gone.
Feeling a little melancholy and reflective today I guess...
Kim :~)
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Spring is here
and so is the rain. I think it has been raining here for no less than a week straight. I am starting to turn gray, like the clouds. It was a busy week too. I had to work Monday and Wednesday (although I was available Tuesday too, but didn't get a call) and then Thursday and Friday I had to do observation hours for high school. Thursday was seven hours and Friday I managed to stay for three. There is is...ten hours done! I'm not sure that I will ever return to high school but I am not voluntarily going to do so. There has to be money involved!!
I am midway through my courses already this semester. I have midterm exams Tuesday and Thursday although the Thursday exam is online and ready to go when I am. I am more concerned at this point about the Tuesday exam since it is a traditional exam with no notes or books -- rom memory and mostly essay. This scares me greatly! The book is almost impossible to read and stay awake so I have not been very successful in reading the chapters. I have skimmed them and tried to take notes to help summarize them but still I can't even use the notes I created and I blanked out the last time I had to take a written test. Lots of prayers on Tuesday evening, please.
As for my health...I feel almost normal. I have had some pain in the left breast lately, like a bruising pain, and I guess this is what is supposed to happen. There is no bruising and there is no discharge or lesions so I am not stressing over it. I will speak to the oncologist about it when I go at the end of the month. I did get a call from my surgeon's office to let me know that she is moving her practice to South Shore Hospital and will not see patients at DF any longer. Sorry,,,love ya but I am not going to the Cape for followup. There are other surgeons if I need to see one and I have my original surgeon at DF anyway, as long as she doesn't go anywhere and if she does there will be another. This is NOT a stressor in my life. I look forward to checking in with the oncologist and the radiation oncologist the following week. Things are going well and I am trying to focus on being active and eating well in the hopes of taking off some of the weight I need to take off. My goal is 1 pound a week and I had lost 3 pounds. I have not stepped on the scale yet this week but I have had a bit of a binge on chocolate too so I am a little leery. I really need to work on that!
I will keep trying! :~)
Kim
I am midway through my courses already this semester. I have midterm exams Tuesday and Thursday although the Thursday exam is online and ready to go when I am. I am more concerned at this point about the Tuesday exam since it is a traditional exam with no notes or books -- rom memory and mostly essay. This scares me greatly! The book is almost impossible to read and stay awake so I have not been very successful in reading the chapters. I have skimmed them and tried to take notes to help summarize them but still I can't even use the notes I created and I blanked out the last time I had to take a written test. Lots of prayers on Tuesday evening, please.
As for my health...I feel almost normal. I have had some pain in the left breast lately, like a bruising pain, and I guess this is what is supposed to happen. There is no bruising and there is no discharge or lesions so I am not stressing over it. I will speak to the oncologist about it when I go at the end of the month. I did get a call from my surgeon's office to let me know that she is moving her practice to South Shore Hospital and will not see patients at DF any longer. Sorry,,,love ya but I am not going to the Cape for followup. There are other surgeons if I need to see one and I have my original surgeon at DF anyway, as long as she doesn't go anywhere and if she does there will be another. This is NOT a stressor in my life. I look forward to checking in with the oncologist and the radiation oncologist the following week. Things are going well and I am trying to focus on being active and eating well in the hopes of taking off some of the weight I need to take off. My goal is 1 pound a week and I had lost 3 pounds. I have not stepped on the scale yet this week but I have had a bit of a binge on chocolate too so I am a little leery. I really need to work on that!
I will keep trying! :~)
Kim
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Vacation
I have always been told to be careful about what I wish for because you might just get it. I wished for some peace and quiet and some time to hang around my house and do what I wanted to do. This is vacation week so there is no work. Emily has gone to New York on a school trip and Steve is working. I have the house to myself. It is quiet. My house is clean. My projects that I had planned to accomplish this week are done (and it's only Wednesday) so I find myself wandering from room to room wondering what to do next. I am bored.
I have lost 3 pounds since treatment ended and for this I am glad. I keep trying to focus on vegetable sources of nourishment and thinking of different ways to get vegetables into our meal plan. So far this has been a work in progress. We certainly are trying some different things this week, like Napa cabbage and watercress. I have made soup and bean burgers (which were actually quite tasty) and a great big salad. I feel full and satisfied. I am working on getting in two water jugs in so I stay well hydrated although I am averaging one and perhaps another 8 ounces. I have not gotten much activity in other than our usual walks and I know that this would certainly be a help in achieving my goal of 1 pound a week. I go back to the doctor's office at the end of May and I would like to be down about 5 more pounds. I think that would be a great start on my journey to fabulous health and longevity. It will also put me under 200 pounds for the first time in I can't remember when. I am listening to The Revolution on TV while I am doing my computer stuff and they are talking about burning 7000 calories in one day as a way of working through a roadblock. I don't know if the block is that big but I know I could certainly do more. Perhaps after I get my homework done I will shoot for a few hundred calorie burn. According to the show 7000 calories burned is 2 pounds lost. It sounds like a huge time investment and perhaps a little obsessive. I will go for manageable.
I hate my classes. There I said it. I have come to the end of my program and I am working on the legal aspects of teaching and SpEd in particular. I know there are laws that need to be followed, and procedures that are nonnegotiable but I am not good with remembering case studies and setting up legal briefs. If I wanted to do that I would have gone into law. I have 9 weeks left in these two particular courses and I will muddle my way through but I am having a dilly of a time trying to get my assignments completed. I guess with that being said I will get back to it.
I will persevere!
Kim :~)
I have lost 3 pounds since treatment ended and for this I am glad. I keep trying to focus on vegetable sources of nourishment and thinking of different ways to get vegetables into our meal plan. So far this has been a work in progress. We certainly are trying some different things this week, like Napa cabbage and watercress. I have made soup and bean burgers (which were actually quite tasty) and a great big salad. I feel full and satisfied. I am working on getting in two water jugs in so I stay well hydrated although I am averaging one and perhaps another 8 ounces. I have not gotten much activity in other than our usual walks and I know that this would certainly be a help in achieving my goal of 1 pound a week. I go back to the doctor's office at the end of May and I would like to be down about 5 more pounds. I think that would be a great start on my journey to fabulous health and longevity. It will also put me under 200 pounds for the first time in I can't remember when. I am listening to The Revolution on TV while I am doing my computer stuff and they are talking about burning 7000 calories in one day as a way of working through a roadblock. I don't know if the block is that big but I know I could certainly do more. Perhaps after I get my homework done I will shoot for a few hundred calorie burn. According to the show 7000 calories burned is 2 pounds lost. It sounds like a huge time investment and perhaps a little obsessive. I will go for manageable.
I hate my classes. There I said it. I have come to the end of my program and I am working on the legal aspects of teaching and SpEd in particular. I know there are laws that need to be followed, and procedures that are nonnegotiable but I am not good with remembering case studies and setting up legal briefs. If I wanted to do that I would have gone into law. I have 9 weeks left in these two particular courses and I will muddle my way through but I am having a dilly of a time trying to get my assignments completed. I guess with that being said I will get back to it.
I will persevere!
Kim :~)
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Spring break
I have really enjoyed having paychecks coming in again. That being said, I really needed to rest so I was very glad when I did not get a call for Friday. I got up at the usual 5:00 to walk the dog and get the husband off to work. Luckily Emily got herself up so when I fell back to sleep it was really no big deal. I drifted in and out until she left at 7:00 after which I was out like a light. I woke up to Nate Berkus' voice at 10:00. I guess I must have been a little sleepy. I felt rested until after lunch when I felt myself drifting off again. I think I must be really low on my B vitamins. That is an easy fix.
I am frustrated with myself. I gained 10 pounds during chemo and I have yet to be able to take it off. I am very active so I know it is what I am eating that is bringing me down. I have not learned how to manage the swings of menopause that chemo brought on. Mood swings, weight gain, low energy, hot flashes, etc is a little hard to wrap my head around so I guess I am just stuck in the mud. I am hoping that the onset of spring will help me drag myself out of it and set me on the path to continued good health. It would be great if I could get a good night's sleep too. The new mattress is wonderful and the night sweats ensure that I enjoy every minute of my time on it with full awareness of the comfort. I have had the windows open and the fan blowing full boar but still I watch the hours tiptoe by. I am thinking maybe more outside time during the day will help...do you see a pattern emerging here?
I visited the cemetary today with my Aunt. We cleaned up the gravesites and paid our respects and I truly feel great about making the journey. I had not visited for a while since I was focused on my recovery and I think it feels good to return to the "normal" routine. Walking up that hill from the bottom where my grandparents are to the top where my great aunts and great grandmother are is still challenging but I would much rather walk the hill than not make the effort. It makes me fell good to be able to get from the bottom to the top. I'm still here on top of the dirt :).
Grateful for each day!
Kim :~)
I am frustrated with myself. I gained 10 pounds during chemo and I have yet to be able to take it off. I am very active so I know it is what I am eating that is bringing me down. I have not learned how to manage the swings of menopause that chemo brought on. Mood swings, weight gain, low energy, hot flashes, etc is a little hard to wrap my head around so I guess I am just stuck in the mud. I am hoping that the onset of spring will help me drag myself out of it and set me on the path to continued good health. It would be great if I could get a good night's sleep too. The new mattress is wonderful and the night sweats ensure that I enjoy every minute of my time on it with full awareness of the comfort. I have had the windows open and the fan blowing full boar but still I watch the hours tiptoe by. I am thinking maybe more outside time during the day will help...do you see a pattern emerging here?
I visited the cemetary today with my Aunt. We cleaned up the gravesites and paid our respects and I truly feel great about making the journey. I had not visited for a while since I was focused on my recovery and I think it feels good to return to the "normal" routine. Walking up that hill from the bottom where my grandparents are to the top where my great aunts and great grandmother are is still challenging but I would much rather walk the hill than not make the effort. It makes me fell good to be able to get from the bottom to the top. I'm still here on top of the dirt :).
Grateful for each day!
Kim :~)
Saturday, April 14, 2012
It's awkward
I am so happy to be finished with cancer and treatment, having moved on to follow-up at this point. That being said, my friend and neighbor has just been diagnosed with glioblastoma and had surgery last week to remove the tumor. I should be completely there for her, being so recently in her shoes. However, I find myself standing back, not quite sure what to say. I am better, healthy -- she is not. I understand the cancer, how scary it can be and how devastating it will be to her family. I understand the treatment and the feelings she is going to have along the away. I cannot understand the terminal diagnosis and how to react to the fact that I am a survivor and she is not likely to be so. Yes I know my cancer can return and I may find myself in her shoes in the future. Right now she is at the beginning of her journey, but the prognosis is not as favorable. They got as much of the tumor as they could at surgery but with glioblastoma there is a high recurrence rate and a high likelihood that what was not found will return soon, stronger than before. Radiation and chemo will help somewhat but the outcome is not expected to be sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with hubby watching the grandkids play in the yard. It is that that keeps me distant. My heart breaks at the thought of her missing out on that. Her children need to know what is in her heart and I am not sure she can offer that to them. She just stopped by to return a dish and we chatted for a while. She knows I am here and that I can certainly understand better than most what she is going through. She knows I will help in any way I can, but I'm not sure that when the time comes I will be as helpful as I hope I can be. We will have to see.
This, of course, brings back the question of WHY? Why is there so much incidence of cancer in this neighborhood? Why does cancer touch the people it does? Why is is so frightening to think of passing on when I know there is peace and love waiting on the other side. Why do I think that I am so necessary here when other plans might be in place. I think the same for my friend. Why her? Her children need her more than mine need me (at the moment). I realize needs comes and goes and that our families NEED us but there are times of greater need and right now her children are in a time of GREAT NEED. Mine would survive without me. Back to why...why can't I be more there for her? Why do I think she would want me to be? She has so many around her who know her better and love her better and can offer so much more...how egotistical of me to think I should be able to help more. There we go...that is it right there. My ego is too big. I am here when needed and out of the way otherwise. ;~) I feel better now.
As for my own stuff, school is a drag. I have two classes right now that have little or nothing to do with teaching. It is all legal and ethical crap and, although I understand that I have to know what will get me into trouble and how I can avoid it, it is a total snoozefest! The books are hard to read with all the legal mumbojumbo and the teachers are SO into legal precedence. AHHHHHH, shoot me now! I am so dreading the assessments which are likely to include identifying and commenting on legal case studies and the like. I can do this...I can do this...I can do this...
Today is far too beautiful to worry about such things. I want to be in my gardens saying hello to the flowers. First, however, I must do my transcription. The closest I get to outside until it is done is having the windows and front door open. Breathe deep...
Enjoying life!
Kim :)
This, of course, brings back the question of WHY? Why is there so much incidence of cancer in this neighborhood? Why does cancer touch the people it does? Why is is so frightening to think of passing on when I know there is peace and love waiting on the other side. Why do I think that I am so necessary here when other plans might be in place. I think the same for my friend. Why her? Her children need her more than mine need me (at the moment). I realize needs comes and goes and that our families NEED us but there are times of greater need and right now her children are in a time of GREAT NEED. Mine would survive without me. Back to why...why can't I be more there for her? Why do I think she would want me to be? She has so many around her who know her better and love her better and can offer so much more...how egotistical of me to think I should be able to help more. There we go...that is it right there. My ego is too big. I am here when needed and out of the way otherwise. ;~) I feel better now.
As for my own stuff, school is a drag. I have two classes right now that have little or nothing to do with teaching. It is all legal and ethical crap and, although I understand that I have to know what will get me into trouble and how I can avoid it, it is a total snoozefest! The books are hard to read with all the legal mumbojumbo and the teachers are SO into legal precedence. AHHHHHH, shoot me now! I am so dreading the assessments which are likely to include identifying and commenting on legal case studies and the like. I can do this...I can do this...I can do this...
Today is far too beautiful to worry about such things. I want to be in my gardens saying hello to the flowers. First, however, I must do my transcription. The closest I get to outside until it is done is having the windows and front door open. Breathe deep...
Enjoying life!
Kim :)
Monday, April 9, 2012
crazy week
Last week flew by and it seems a distant memory now. Everything hit at once, as it usually does. The new semester at school started. I had followup visits with radiation oncology and wound clinic (but I think that was the week before -- they are all blending together at this point) and I had to clean for Passover and get ready for Easter. There were also the two sedars to prep for, which is a job in itself.
Treatment is over. We can start with that. I have been discharged from wound clinic and do not need to follow up with radiation oncology until the end of May. I follow up with oncology and surgery May 24th and I am sure that will go just fine. Good to put that behind me!
As for school, this is the last full time semester before interning in the fall. They are still trying to get me into TRMS, which is where I would really like to go. That being said, however, just because that is what I want does not mean that is what will happen...and even if it does, it doesn't mean I will be offered a job there afterwards. I can only pray and keep positive thoughts flowing in that direction, providing that is still what I want after interning there. I might find the program they have simply does not feel right. Who knows?! Otherwise, I have a couple of really (I mean REALLY) dry courses this semester. Collaboration and Ethics. The entire semester will focus around legal precedence and changes in IDEA. While I know how important this is to someone going into SpEd, I am going to have to struggle to get through it. I am not into statistics and couldn't care less about legal issues (I just want to do the right thing all the time). I will persevere!
Personally Passover has arrived. Sedars were Friday and Saturday nights. Each was so different even though the basic service is the same. Friday was pleasant, although chaotic, and everyone seemed to get along and enjoy themselves. Saturday was more laid back but new people came and didn't really grasp the concept of a sedar. Unexpected company (of the soft furry kind) and inappropriate (really I mean rude) cell phone use played a large part in the tension. I will have to be more thoughtful in the future (as well as clear about what the invitation encompasses) regarding to whom I open the door. I love having new people come and I really enjoy sharing the holiday but I am a little offended when the fidelity of the holiday is disregarded for personal desires. That being said, that is over and I will not have to worry about it again until next year. Easter was quiet. Steve went to work on his new motorcycle and the girls both had to work. I had the house to myself, which was not too exciting since I spent the time working. I finished just in time for everyone to arrive home. No me time. Whahhhhh!
Spring is here, although it feels like February when the sun is not out. Temperatures have been between 45 to 60 but the clouds have been hanging around making it feel much cooler. They keep threatening showers but what we really need is a good rain storm. Things are a tad dry since we had almost now snow this winter. Maybe tomorrow. In the meantime, I have to get to work on school work. There is a discussion board question I should have done last weekend and never go to.
Keeping busy looking for spring!
Kim :~)
Treatment is over. We can start with that. I have been discharged from wound clinic and do not need to follow up with radiation oncology until the end of May. I follow up with oncology and surgery May 24th and I am sure that will go just fine. Good to put that behind me!
As for school, this is the last full time semester before interning in the fall. They are still trying to get me into TRMS, which is where I would really like to go. That being said, however, just because that is what I want does not mean that is what will happen...and even if it does, it doesn't mean I will be offered a job there afterwards. I can only pray and keep positive thoughts flowing in that direction, providing that is still what I want after interning there. I might find the program they have simply does not feel right. Who knows?! Otherwise, I have a couple of really (I mean REALLY) dry courses this semester. Collaboration and Ethics. The entire semester will focus around legal precedence and changes in IDEA. While I know how important this is to someone going into SpEd, I am going to have to struggle to get through it. I am not into statistics and couldn't care less about legal issues (I just want to do the right thing all the time). I will persevere!
Personally Passover has arrived. Sedars were Friday and Saturday nights. Each was so different even though the basic service is the same. Friday was pleasant, although chaotic, and everyone seemed to get along and enjoy themselves. Saturday was more laid back but new people came and didn't really grasp the concept of a sedar. Unexpected company (of the soft furry kind) and inappropriate (really I mean rude) cell phone use played a large part in the tension. I will have to be more thoughtful in the future (as well as clear about what the invitation encompasses) regarding to whom I open the door. I love having new people come and I really enjoy sharing the holiday but I am a little offended when the fidelity of the holiday is disregarded for personal desires. That being said, that is over and I will not have to worry about it again until next year. Easter was quiet. Steve went to work on his new motorcycle and the girls both had to work. I had the house to myself, which was not too exciting since I spent the time working. I finished just in time for everyone to arrive home. No me time. Whahhhhh!
Spring is here, although it feels like February when the sun is not out. Temperatures have been between 45 to 60 but the clouds have been hanging around making it feel much cooler. They keep threatening showers but what we really need is a good rain storm. Things are a tad dry since we had almost now snow this winter. Maybe tomorrow. In the meantime, I have to get to work on school work. There is a discussion board question I should have done last weekend and never go to.
Keeping busy looking for spring!
Kim :~)
Friday, March 30, 2012
I am healed!
I graduated from wound clinic today! They gave me a diploma and tassel and sent me on my way. Finally, it is done!
So what's next? I have to lose about 60 pounds and develop an activity plan so that I reduce my chances for recurrence. There are news reports every day about the connection between obesity and inactivity and cancer. Having been down this road once I hope to never travel it again. That, of course, means taking off this weight I am carrying around and making sure that the remaining 40s decade is geared towards being healthy and enjoying my life. That sounds so easy but each day so far I have found an excuse to avoid working out. I am eating well though, although that could always use improvement. Better choices, better life!
All of a sudden I am tired. After getting home from wound clinic and the vet (for Bubba, not me) I sat on the couch for a minute and half an hour later I woke up. I just seem to be dragging myself around today. I finally took a vitamin B and I think that has made some difference but there is so much that needs to be accomplished this weekend I think I am feeling a little overwhelmed with the prospect -- Same as every other year when Passover gets here. This year I will be in my own kitchen running things. Lauren is coming to help and I think Steve and Emily have plans to be elsewhere and involved in something else until the time comes for sedar. I don't think I blame them. :)
Enjoying life!
Kim
So what's next? I have to lose about 60 pounds and develop an activity plan so that I reduce my chances for recurrence. There are news reports every day about the connection between obesity and inactivity and cancer. Having been down this road once I hope to never travel it again. That, of course, means taking off this weight I am carrying around and making sure that the remaining 40s decade is geared towards being healthy and enjoying my life. That sounds so easy but each day so far I have found an excuse to avoid working out. I am eating well though, although that could always use improvement. Better choices, better life!
All of a sudden I am tired. After getting home from wound clinic and the vet (for Bubba, not me) I sat on the couch for a minute and half an hour later I woke up. I just seem to be dragging myself around today. I finally took a vitamin B and I think that has made some difference but there is so much that needs to be accomplished this weekend I think I am feeling a little overwhelmed with the prospect -- Same as every other year when Passover gets here. This year I will be in my own kitchen running things. Lauren is coming to help and I think Steve and Emily have plans to be elsewhere and involved in something else until the time comes for sedar. I don't think I blame them. :)
Enjoying life!
Kim
Thursday, March 22, 2012
I know I should feel badly but I don't!
Today is a gorgeous day! It is in the 70s and sunny and there is a light breeze blowing through the windows. I had thought I might be working today but it didn't work out that way. So...I am hanging out pretty much doing nothing. I did start cleaning out the spare bedroom so that I can clean for Passover but I hit a roadblock in that the wall needs to be painted. I started getting the stuff together to do that but I have to wait for the mud to dry on the places I patched -- yes dear I did take the wall mounts for the shelves down and I did not damage the walls. I just smoothed out the edges. There is one screw that was determined not to come out, so I left it there. As soon as I locate the Dremel I will take care of that!
In the meantime, there is always more homework to do. I turned in my strategy notebook already but still have to work on my reading final task. I gave up on caring whether I am doing it right or not and will submit what I think I am supposed to be submitting. I already blew the 4.0 anyway.
My puppy is outside enjoying the sunshine. My cat is whining upstairs for some unknown reason -- she is really needy today. The other one is missing, probably in the garage. She will show up eventually. I did notice the garage door had been left open so I am sure if she is not sleeping under the bed upstairs she is investigating the garage. She can't get out so it's not a problem. School tonight. One more class left after that, then two new classes.
Enjoying spring!
Kim :~)
In the meantime, there is always more homework to do. I turned in my strategy notebook already but still have to work on my reading final task. I gave up on caring whether I am doing it right or not and will submit what I think I am supposed to be submitting. I already blew the 4.0 anyway.
My puppy is outside enjoying the sunshine. My cat is whining upstairs for some unknown reason -- she is really needy today. The other one is missing, probably in the garage. She will show up eventually. I did notice the garage door had been left open so I am sure if she is not sleeping under the bed upstairs she is investigating the garage. She can't get out so it's not a problem. School tonight. One more class left after that, then two new classes.
Enjoying spring!
Kim :~)
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Getting busy again
I know I should have learned better over the past year to take some time for me but I find myself once again feeling like I am on the go all the time. I have returned to work and I am so happy that I have. I missed being in the classroom working with students on a regular basis. That being said, however, I also find myself really tired this weekend. I even had to teach a lesson this morning, which is Saturday, for my own school work so that I can finish up my literature review. I finally threw up my hands where that is concerned too. I am supposed to submit a rough draft of my review by tomorrow at midnight. I honestly did not even know what a literature review was. I finally googled it and got a sample to work by. I think I should be able to get the review done by tomorrow but I am not sure how everything I have done for this assignment works together. There are two weeks left to class and then I can put this behind me for good! Can't wait.
My other class, on the other hand, is going very well. I actually did complete my critical task and now only have to organize it into the book format so it can be entered into my portfolio. I am going to print a copy, which is going to empty my inkwells and deplete my paper supply, but I want to have a printed copy that I can use until I can afford to have one professionally created and bound. I am hoping my girlfriend's husband can help me with this project but if not I am sure I can figure out where else to have it done.
Healthwise, I feel great. Treatments ended March 5th and I have had a followup with my surgeon's nurse practitioner and the wound clinic. Both are very pleased with the progress I have made. The wound clinic actually decided that I should stop packing the wound. The cauterized it and told me to simply keep gauze over the wound so any drainage will be taken care of and that I should just let it heal up at this point. Sounds great to me! The funny thing is that I find myself standing in the bathroom wondering why I am there and feeling like I need to do something. My guess is that it will take me a few days to get used to not having to focus on my breast every day. The radiation burns have healed almost completely, even at the boost site, and I am guessing by the time I go back to the radiation oncologist for my followup on the 26th the appearance will be pretty much back to normal. Will have to wait and see.
Keeping the faith!
Kim :~)
My other class, on the other hand, is going very well. I actually did complete my critical task and now only have to organize it into the book format so it can be entered into my portfolio. I am going to print a copy, which is going to empty my inkwells and deplete my paper supply, but I want to have a printed copy that I can use until I can afford to have one professionally created and bound. I am hoping my girlfriend's husband can help me with this project but if not I am sure I can figure out where else to have it done.
Healthwise, I feel great. Treatments ended March 5th and I have had a followup with my surgeon's nurse practitioner and the wound clinic. Both are very pleased with the progress I have made. The wound clinic actually decided that I should stop packing the wound. The cauterized it and told me to simply keep gauze over the wound so any drainage will be taken care of and that I should just let it heal up at this point. Sounds great to me! The funny thing is that I find myself standing in the bathroom wondering why I am there and feeling like I need to do something. My guess is that it will take me a few days to get used to not having to focus on my breast every day. The radiation burns have healed almost completely, even at the boost site, and I am guessing by the time I go back to the radiation oncologist for my followup on the 26th the appearance will be pretty much back to normal. Will have to wait and see.
Keeping the faith!
Kim :~)
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Yesterday was great...today is quiet!
I'm still wondering when I am going to get the rush of emotions that everyone is telling me I will get now that this is over. I feel like, especially with the help of this blog, I have dealt with issues as they came up. I have been mad, sad, frustrated, hurt, upset, relieved, happy, and all the other emotions one would expect with a diagnosis like this. Steve and I never stopped fighting when we got upset with each other. We never held anything back. Still, I wait.
Yesterday was the day I expected to fall apart. Rather than that I threw myself into activity. I would like to think that rather than having a breakdown I had a breakthrough. I decided I needed to do what I wanted to do and not let anyone tell me I shouldn't bother because ... I invested in myself and made some great choices. I still have some avoidant behavior to work through (like now when I should be writing a paper for school) but that will come in time (I will do the paper as soon as I am through here!). I felt happy and positive, looking forward not back. I set goals and congratulated myself for making them.
Today I am more laid back. I am avoiding that paper. I have to go out and get my transcription work. I should take the dog for a walk. I want to ride my bike while it is warm out and my ears won't freeze. I am going to set my priorities and get the list started but first I wanted to get myself organized and check the computer tasks off my list. Now I feel I have done that and I will move on to the next thing on my list. Tomorrow is another day and I will do the same...put my feet on the floor getting out of bed and then put one foot in front of the other until it is time to put them back under the covers for the night. Thank you Lord for one more day!
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
Yesterday was the day I expected to fall apart. Rather than that I threw myself into activity. I would like to think that rather than having a breakdown I had a breakthrough. I decided I needed to do what I wanted to do and not let anyone tell me I shouldn't bother because ... I invested in myself and made some great choices. I still have some avoidant behavior to work through (like now when I should be writing a paper for school) but that will come in time (I will do the paper as soon as I am through here!). I felt happy and positive, looking forward not back. I set goals and congratulated myself for making them.
Today I am more laid back. I am avoiding that paper. I have to go out and get my transcription work. I should take the dog for a walk. I want to ride my bike while it is warm out and my ears won't freeze. I am going to set my priorities and get the list started but first I wanted to get myself organized and check the computer tasks off my list. Now I feel I have done that and I will move on to the next thing on my list. Tomorrow is another day and I will do the same...put my feet on the floor getting out of bed and then put one foot in front of the other until it is time to put them back under the covers for the night. Thank you Lord for one more day!
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
Monday, March 5, 2012
Today I am joyful!
TREATMENT IS DONE! Everything looks good. I feel positive and peaceful, yet anxious. How long does it take to get used to not having to see a doctor regularly? I guess I will have to wait and see. I still have to heal the wound but I suspect that will happen soon too and then what?
I should be heading back to work full days this week. I am taking tomorrow to veg and reflect. I know today's joy may just be a momentary thing. I hope not, but I am ready if so. It was funny...as I was driving away from radiation this morning the song playing on the radio was Fleetwood Mac's Don't Stop. As I am singing along I listen to the words and I say, ahhhhh yes...this could be divine intervention. Don't stop thinking about tomorrow, don't stop it'll soon be here. It'll be better than before. Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone. Maybe I am reaching a little bit but it seems like divine intervention to me, especially since the very next son was U2's Beautiful Day. Little things like that make me go hmmmm...
I have been pacing the house since I got home wondering what to do with myself. No I really don't want to vacuum the floors and no I really don't care if the dishes are still sitting in the sink. Yes I do want to ride my bike even though it means trekking through the snow and dragging it out. I suppose I could throw on my snowshoes but then I would have to take them off just to ride my bicycle. I finally gave in after much debate with myself. I took the bike out and rode it around the neighborhood. It was COLD but it sure felt good to be pedaling. Maybe later I will reacquaint myself with the eliptical, which I have avoided for the past few weeks. We will walk tonight and that will be icing. In the meantime, I will play Words with Friends and do whatever else hits my fancy.
Keeping the faith! (Darn glad I did)
Kim :~)
I should be heading back to work full days this week. I am taking tomorrow to veg and reflect. I know today's joy may just be a momentary thing. I hope not, but I am ready if so. It was funny...as I was driving away from radiation this morning the song playing on the radio was Fleetwood Mac's Don't Stop. As I am singing along I listen to the words and I say, ahhhhh yes...this could be divine intervention. Don't stop thinking about tomorrow, don't stop it'll soon be here. It'll be better than before. Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone. Maybe I am reaching a little bit but it seems like divine intervention to me, especially since the very next son was U2's Beautiful Day. Little things like that make me go hmmmm...
I have been pacing the house since I got home wondering what to do with myself. No I really don't want to vacuum the floors and no I really don't care if the dishes are still sitting in the sink. Yes I do want to ride my bike even though it means trekking through the snow and dragging it out. I suppose I could throw on my snowshoes but then I would have to take them off just to ride my bicycle. I finally gave in after much debate with myself. I took the bike out and rode it around the neighborhood. It was COLD but it sure felt good to be pedaling. Maybe later I will reacquaint myself with the eliptical, which I have avoided for the past few weeks. We will walk tonight and that will be icing. In the meantime, I will play Words with Friends and do whatever else hits my fancy.
Keeping the faith! (Darn glad I did)
Kim :~)
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
So close!
It seems like this cancer thing is never going to end. Yet, here I am, three treatments away from being finished with radiation -- the last step in treatment. At this time next week I will be done with cancer treatment. I will still be healing from the side effects (like wounds that won't heal and radiation burns) but I will be able to close the book on being a cancer patient. I will call myself a cancer survivor on Monday afternoon, after treatment. I look forward to this. I has been almost exactly a year since I was diagnosed and I will be done. Whew!!!
In the meantime I am on vacation from school (work) and am trying to get my school (school) work under control. There is such ugliness surrounding the online course and I feel badly about it. I really look forward to it being done though. I will do assessments on my nephews today so that I can put that part of the critical task behind me. The problem is that once I get it done, if history is true, the assignment will change and the work I have done will be for naught. Patience and perseverence. This is just another hoop on my way to my degree.
Otherwise, Emily is feeling better. Bubba is happy to have us home. The new mattress and boxspring were delivered this morning so I can look forward to a good night's sleep (hopefully) and we are due to get a good snowfall this afternoon. Winter has finally come to New England. The sad part is that it is going to warm up by Friday and Saturday is going to be in the 50s. I guess I am not really too sad about that, really...
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
In the meantime I am on vacation from school (work) and am trying to get my school (school) work under control. There is such ugliness surrounding the online course and I feel badly about it. I really look forward to it being done though. I will do assessments on my nephews today so that I can put that part of the critical task behind me. The problem is that once I get it done, if history is true, the assignment will change and the work I have done will be for naught. Patience and perseverence. This is just another hoop on my way to my degree.
Otherwise, Emily is feeling better. Bubba is happy to have us home. The new mattress and boxspring were delivered this morning so I can look forward to a good night's sleep (hopefully) and we are due to get a good snowfall this afternoon. Winter has finally come to New England. The sad part is that it is going to warm up by Friday and Saturday is going to be in the 50s. I guess I am not really too sad about that, really...
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
Friday, February 24, 2012
Almost done
I have just finished week #5 of radiation. We have started the boost (the final, focused part of radiation) which means all the burns I have can start to heal. My underarm is a mess and underneath my breast is not much better. It's funny (not haha, but strange) that it took almost 5 weeks for the skin to finally show signs of ongoing burning. OUCH! I will be so glad when this is over. March 5th is my last treatment, which means only 6 left.
I am starting to think my husband gave me his cold. I have a congested feeling in my chest and a tickle in my throat. My sinuses are still clear but there is a slight ache that tells me something is building. I guess if I had to choose between his cold and Emily's mono I would definitely take the cold. I would rather not have either honestly but at least I know the cold will be minimial. I am already taking zinc to help heal my wounds so that, with the vitamin C, will help make it easier to deal with. Add to that the fact I am going to go use my netti pot as soon as I am finished on the computer and I think everything will be just fine.
I skipped school last night. I am feeling a bit tired from working in kindergarten all week in addition to keeping up with school work and running to and from the doctors every day. I also spent my day in Boston yesterday checking in with those doctors. They were so kind to throw in a mammogram on my right breast, just for fun. My first year is coming to an end. I believe I was diagnosed with cancer around March 6th last year and I know I had my first chemo on March 24th. I still don't know when I can officially consider myself cancer free but I kind of do now. I look forward to my yearly checkups and my official five year mark. They will be here before we know it!
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
I am starting to think my husband gave me his cold. I have a congested feeling in my chest and a tickle in my throat. My sinuses are still clear but there is a slight ache that tells me something is building. I guess if I had to choose between his cold and Emily's mono I would definitely take the cold. I would rather not have either honestly but at least I know the cold will be minimial. I am already taking zinc to help heal my wounds so that, with the vitamin C, will help make it easier to deal with. Add to that the fact I am going to go use my netti pot as soon as I am finished on the computer and I think everything will be just fine.
I skipped school last night. I am feeling a bit tired from working in kindergarten all week in addition to keeping up with school work and running to and from the doctors every day. I also spent my day in Boston yesterday checking in with those doctors. They were so kind to throw in a mammogram on my right breast, just for fun. My first year is coming to an end. I believe I was diagnosed with cancer around March 6th last year and I know I had my first chemo on March 24th. I still don't know when I can officially consider myself cancer free but I kind of do now. I look forward to my yearly checkups and my official five year mark. They will be here before we know it!
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
Monday, February 20, 2012
The home stretch
It seems like it has been forever in coming but here we are at last -- the home stretch. I have 10 treatments left in radiation. So far the side effects have been minimal. I have a nice burn in my armpit and one underneath the breast. They told me today that there are only 2 more treatments at that location and then that will begin to heal, which should take about a week. The final location is the surgical site itself, which kind of scares me because this is where the open wound is and it is likely that no further healing will take place until this is all over and done with. The wound is still 2 cm in depth. I had hoped to have it cleared by now but I am truly glad that it has healed as well as it has and is no longer 8 cm in depth.
Otherwise, I am in school all week. I am filling in for a kindergarten class. Today they were horrible! I don't think I have ever said that about a class before. Of the 16 students I think I could say 4 were acting appropriately. The rest were yelling, screaming, running around, throwing themselves down on the floor in tantrums -- anything but what you would expect in a classroom. I promised to go back tomorrow. ;~(
As for my own classes, I almost give up. The online class is almost impossible to anticipate. It seems like every week there is another interview that needs to be accomplished or another data collection that needs to be done. I am begging around for input. I interviewed a special education teacher friend and am begging for reading assessment information where I am now so that I can build a case study for the final project. I can't possibly collect the data myself when I have no students of my own and I don't belong to a particular school body. Luckily I have friends in the schools who are willing to support my efforts. Thanks go out to them!
Keeping the faith!
Kim :~)
Otherwise, I am in school all week. I am filling in for a kindergarten class. Today they were horrible! I don't think I have ever said that about a class before. Of the 16 students I think I could say 4 were acting appropriately. The rest were yelling, screaming, running around, throwing themselves down on the floor in tantrums -- anything but what you would expect in a classroom. I promised to go back tomorrow. ;~(
As for my own classes, I almost give up. The online class is almost impossible to anticipate. It seems like every week there is another interview that needs to be accomplished or another data collection that needs to be done. I am begging around for input. I interviewed a special education teacher friend and am begging for reading assessment information where I am now so that I can build a case study for the final project. I can't possibly collect the data myself when I have no students of my own and I don't belong to a particular school body. Luckily I have friends in the schools who are willing to support my efforts. Thanks go out to them!
Keeping the faith!
Kim :~)
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Coming to an end
The end is near. I can see the light and I am running towards it. Don't worry -- it's a different light. It is the train coming into the tunnel. No, not that one either. Treatment will be finished in two weeks. It might run a little longer for the wound healing but things are still progressing. I have been remapped for the final stage of radiation and am looking at week #5 starting Monday. Amazing...four out of six weeks already done (well, after tomorrow's treatment). I will see my friend Lee (whom I met at radiation) for the last time tomorrow. Her treatment is done. She finishes chemo today and radiation tomorrow. She will be in my thoughts for many years to come with the hope that she never has to go through this again. She told me today this is her second bout of cancer. One is enough for anybody.
I have started training for the cancer walk. I know it is more than a year away but I want to make sure that I have plenty of time to build up my stamina again. I am up to 2 miles a day (not including the dog walks and the running around) -- simply training miles. I bought a pedometer because I was curious how many steps I actually do with all the running around and dog walks. From noon on yesterday I got up to 5700. I have the whole day today but I am not completely sure I will be able to do the 2 miles for training today. Very busy day! School tonight too.
As for me, I am feeling well. I feel strong and happy. I am looking forward. I get frustrated when things do not progress as quickly as I want them to but I try to remember that this is happening on God's timeline and not mine. I need the time to heal and to meet people I am supposed to meet, like Lee and Dr. Kelly. For some reason I am supposed to touch their lives and they are supposed to touch mine. I never really considered that in the overall scheme of things. Now I think about it often. People come, people go, and people linger. We never know who or why.
Keeping the faith!
Kim :~)
I have started training for the cancer walk. I know it is more than a year away but I want to make sure that I have plenty of time to build up my stamina again. I am up to 2 miles a day (not including the dog walks and the running around) -- simply training miles. I bought a pedometer because I was curious how many steps I actually do with all the running around and dog walks. From noon on yesterday I got up to 5700. I have the whole day today but I am not completely sure I will be able to do the 2 miles for training today. Very busy day! School tonight too.
As for me, I am feeling well. I feel strong and happy. I am looking forward. I get frustrated when things do not progress as quickly as I want them to but I try to remember that this is happening on God's timeline and not mine. I need the time to heal and to meet people I am supposed to meet, like Lee and Dr. Kelly. For some reason I am supposed to touch their lives and they are supposed to touch mine. I never really considered that in the overall scheme of things. Now I think about it often. People come, people go, and people linger. We never know who or why.
Keeping the faith!
Kim :~)
Friday, February 10, 2012
Week three done!
Radiation has been going well. I have just finished my third of six weeks and am "looking forward" to starting week four. My doctor tells me that I might start getting tired about now. I will just keep taking my super B vitamin and hopefully that will get me through. Today I have not felt tired yet but sometimes it sets in around 10:00 or so in the morning. I find myself watching the Nate Berkus show and the next thing I know I wake up and the cat is slapping me with her paw because she wants her lunch. Sorry Nate but I have missed most of your shows this week.
Today might be different. I am waiting for a call from my daughter's doctor. She told me a few weeks ago that she had a lump on her neck and I told her to keep an eye on it and let me know if it changes. She had not said anything so I assumed that it had resolved. She tells me yesterday that the lump is still there and getting bigger and that there are other lumps too. We took a quick trip to the doctor's office and she had some blood work done. I am waiting to hear the results. Of course my first thought is lymphoma. After chatting with her on the way home she too is worried about it being cancer. It is "funny" how you think that people around your are totally unconcerned about what is happening and then you realize they have, in fact, been paying attention and that they have fears that they never voiced. I sometimes forget what it was like to be a teenager. You certainly don't want your parents to know that you really do care and that you are afraid for them and for yourself. Sorry Em. I should have been paying closer attention. This whole thing takes me back to when I was waiting for my own phone call. I did check the lump this morning and to me it seems smaller and it is the only one there. I am hopeful but it will still be a day spent walking on eggshells.
Otherwise, I am still buried in homework. I am so aggravated by my online course. The teacher seems totally clueless about what is actually required in the course. I question her regularly and get the same answer each time -- I will have to check with the team that designed the course. I say, as a teacher myself, you should know what you require as the teacher. You should understand what your objectives are, what the assignments involve, and when they should due. The team, after all, is not getting paid to teach the course.
Keeping the faith - even more today~ :~)
Kim
Today might be different. I am waiting for a call from my daughter's doctor. She told me a few weeks ago that she had a lump on her neck and I told her to keep an eye on it and let me know if it changes. She had not said anything so I assumed that it had resolved. She tells me yesterday that the lump is still there and getting bigger and that there are other lumps too. We took a quick trip to the doctor's office and she had some blood work done. I am waiting to hear the results. Of course my first thought is lymphoma. After chatting with her on the way home she too is worried about it being cancer. It is "funny" how you think that people around your are totally unconcerned about what is happening and then you realize they have, in fact, been paying attention and that they have fears that they never voiced. I sometimes forget what it was like to be a teenager. You certainly don't want your parents to know that you really do care and that you are afraid for them and for yourself. Sorry Em. I should have been paying closer attention. This whole thing takes me back to when I was waiting for my own phone call. I did check the lump this morning and to me it seems smaller and it is the only one there. I am hopeful but it will still be a day spent walking on eggshells.
Otherwise, I am still buried in homework. I am so aggravated by my online course. The teacher seems totally clueless about what is actually required in the course. I question her regularly and get the same answer each time -- I will have to check with the team that designed the course. I say, as a teacher myself, you should know what you require as the teacher. You should understand what your objectives are, what the assignments involve, and when they should due. The team, after all, is not getting paid to teach the course.
Keeping the faith - even more today~ :~)
Kim
Monday, February 6, 2012
I'm tired
Today I started my third week of radiation. I think everything has caught up to me because I ended up sleeping for a couple of hours today. I didn't realize I was sleepy but when I put my head on the pillow and covered up with my favorite blanket the next thing I knew it was later. I finally just gave in to it and slept. I decided I didn't need to worry about what was sitting on my desk at that particular moment in time.
School has been crazy! My online course seems to create assignments on its own. As I finish one and turn it in and go to double check what needs to be done there is another assignment that I had not seen previously . They don't seem to be very meaningful either -- just more of the same. My in-class class is busy too. I just submitted a 158 page report. Luckily I am going to be able to edit that down and hopefully it will be under 100 pages. I am not getting my doctorate, just my masters and a submission that long is insane.
Beyond that, there is no work. I have been told by the sub coordinator that unless I am willing to go to the Exeter schools I can expect to have very little work until I come back from radiation. To this I say...oh well. I need to put me first right now. I will work when I can and otherwise I will just try to keep myself focused on getting better.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
School has been crazy! My online course seems to create assignments on its own. As I finish one and turn it in and go to double check what needs to be done there is another assignment that I had not seen previously . They don't seem to be very meaningful either -- just more of the same. My in-class class is busy too. I just submitted a 158 page report. Luckily I am going to be able to edit that down and hopefully it will be under 100 pages. I am not getting my doctorate, just my masters and a submission that long is insane.
Beyond that, there is no work. I have been told by the sub coordinator that unless I am willing to go to the Exeter schools I can expect to have very little work until I come back from radiation. To this I say...oh well. I need to put me first right now. I will work when I can and otherwise I will just try to keep myself focused on getting better.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Another treatment down
Today was a busy day! I had my usual appointment at radiation but the doctor was there and wanted to see me too, so I stayed and saw the doctor. She is very happy with the progress and with the way my skin looks so far. She did warn me though that next week I could be a bit more red and have a rash-like appearance, for which they will give me a cream. Can't wait!
After I left there, it was off to Boston to see the surgeon. She too is very happy with the progress. She is relieved that the wound has begun to heal and that radiation has started and is going well. Me too.
After that it was home (meaning the local area) to do errands before getting home. I feel like I spent the day in my car, which I did. This afternoon I have worked on my homework and then just now decided to take a break and play Words with Friends, which is something new for me. I NEVER play games on Facebook but the rest of the family is playing so I wanted to play too. Funny thing though, no one ever wants to play Scrabble with me here at home. My board spins, it doesn't glow. So, there was a little Words with Friends and now blogging. I will have to go back to my homework this evening but I need a break. Very intense and involved assignment. I have worked on it now for about eight hours and am not anywhere near done. It's due Thursday. The sad part is that this is only the first part of the assignment. There are two other parts. Hopefully they won't be as involved.
Tomorrow is another day.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
After I left there, it was off to Boston to see the surgeon. She too is very happy with the progress. She is relieved that the wound has begun to heal and that radiation has started and is going well. Me too.
After that it was home (meaning the local area) to do errands before getting home. I feel like I spent the day in my car, which I did. This afternoon I have worked on my homework and then just now decided to take a break and play Words with Friends, which is something new for me. I NEVER play games on Facebook but the rest of the family is playing so I wanted to play too. Funny thing though, no one ever wants to play Scrabble with me here at home. My board spins, it doesn't glow. So, there was a little Words with Friends and now blogging. I will have to go back to my homework this evening but I need a break. Very intense and involved assignment. I have worked on it now for about eight hours and am not anywhere near done. It's due Thursday. The sad part is that this is only the first part of the assignment. There are two other parts. Hopefully they won't be as involved.
Tomorrow is another day.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Is this real?
I had a moment tonight when I thought back over the last year. Has this really happened to me? It seems so surreal that I, at age 44, have spent the last year battling cancer. Cancer! Really? Did I really sit in my doctor's office and tell my husband "It's going to be fine!"? Did I really spend my summer pumping poisons into my body to kill what had become part of me? Did I really have surgery twice? Have I been fighting my body to heal a wound that started out at as a huge abcess and turned into a gaping 8 cm wound? Am I really packing this wound every day in the hopes that it will heal before I get too much farther into radiation. AM I REALLY GETTING RADIATION? I feel like if I just pinch myself I will wake up and this whole thing will just be a horrible dream and that my life is on the track I want it to be on. Reality... Yes all of the above did and is happening. I am surviving what has been the biggest challenge of my life.
How though? How did I survive hearing such a horrible diagnosis? How did I survive 20 weeks of extremely aggressive chemotherapy? Surgery was not much of a challenge -- in and out in one day at least the first time. But then...the abscess and infection. I was so convinced I had my life back I almost gave it away. Luckily I had some fantastic medical providers who were not going to let me get in my own way. That's over, but now the wound. I have spent 4 months trying to get the wounds to heal. I am having radiation only because I pushed and begged and pleaded to have it done before it was too late. My doctor is watching me like a hawk to make sure no infection forms. OH my head!
It takes only a look in the mirror to know that this has been my last year. But then again, I have also spent the last year in grad school and will graduate in January. I will have my masters in special education and will spend the rest of my working years helping students to get the best education possible. Would I have been able to do that if I was working full time or would I have wrapped myself up in my work and not pushed to get beyond? I'm not sure which way that would have gone. I would like to think that pushing myself beyond is what has gotten me through the last year. I would like to know where this strength comes from and why I cannot apply to the other things in my life I would like to accomplish, like losing all this weight and building a healthy lifestyle. Maybe this year...
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
How though? How did I survive hearing such a horrible diagnosis? How did I survive 20 weeks of extremely aggressive chemotherapy? Surgery was not much of a challenge -- in and out in one day at least the first time. But then...the abscess and infection. I was so convinced I had my life back I almost gave it away. Luckily I had some fantastic medical providers who were not going to let me get in my own way. That's over, but now the wound. I have spent 4 months trying to get the wounds to heal. I am having radiation only because I pushed and begged and pleaded to have it done before it was too late. My doctor is watching me like a hawk to make sure no infection forms. OH my head!
It takes only a look in the mirror to know that this has been my last year. But then again, I have also spent the last year in grad school and will graduate in January. I will have my masters in special education and will spend the rest of my working years helping students to get the best education possible. Would I have been able to do that if I was working full time or would I have wrapped myself up in my work and not pushed to get beyond? I'm not sure which way that would have gone. I would like to think that pushing myself beyond is what has gotten me through the last year. I would like to know where this strength comes from and why I cannot apply to the other things in my life I would like to accomplish, like losing all this weight and building a healthy lifestyle. Maybe this year...
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
Monday, January 23, 2012
Getting back to normal
Three down, 30 to go. It's (radiation) just another part of my day. Today I went to the eye doctors. I ordered new contacts (YEAH) and will be on the lookout for new glasses in the near future. It is almost like getting a fresh start. Luckily not much changes in my vision, even after all the stuff this past year. That is always good to hear. My eyes have not reached old age yet.
School is going to be stressful this semester. I can tell already. There is a lot to do for both classes and after having the long break for the holidays it has been hard to get back into the swing of things. It is even tougher because I only have to go to Manchester once a week, which makes it seem like I should only have one class. I have two. I find myself blowing off work from either one or the other during the week and then panicking at the last minute trying to get everything done. It is only the third week. I am sure things will smooth out by next week.
No work lately. I am not getting the feeling that I will be working much during radiation. I think I will take this opportunity to do observations and field work that I would not be doing otherwise. Should be fun.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
School is going to be stressful this semester. I can tell already. There is a lot to do for both classes and after having the long break for the holidays it has been hard to get back into the swing of things. It is even tougher because I only have to go to Manchester once a week, which makes it seem like I should only have one class. I have two. I find myself blowing off work from either one or the other during the week and then panicking at the last minute trying to get everything done. It is only the third week. I am sure things will smooth out by next week.
No work lately. I am not getting the feeling that I will be working much during radiation. I think I will take this opportunity to do observations and field work that I would not be doing otherwise. Should be fun.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
Thursday, January 19, 2012
More radiation
Session #2 included xrays and radiation. I have FINALLY begun treatments. They were painless and quick, which is always good. I am so grateful to have them underway and so hopeful that vigilance will prevent further issues with the wound, which is still open and draining.
I am also grateful that there was no work today. I have so much homework to do for both classes and it seems like I am making little progress. Distractions are running rampant. Luckily I got right to work when I got home from treatment and have completed my assignments for tonight. I am not so sure the online class will be as lucky. I have done much of the work but I am not sure I will have everything completed by Saturday. Will have to wait and see.
More snow today too. It is actually snowing right now -- a light fluffy snow. Of course it is snowing today -- It's Thursday and I have to go to Manchester tonight for school. Gotta love winter. Snow storms always seem to come on the day that I have to go to school. I know, suck it up! I'm almost done.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
I am also grateful that there was no work today. I have so much homework to do for both classes and it seems like I am making little progress. Distractions are running rampant. Luckily I got right to work when I got home from treatment and have completed my assignments for tonight. I am not so sure the online class will be as lucky. I have done much of the work but I am not sure I will have everything completed by Saturday. Will have to wait and see.
More snow today too. It is actually snowing right now -- a light fluffy snow. Of course it is snowing today -- It's Thursday and I have to go to Manchester tonight for school. Gotta love winter. Snow storms always seem to come on the day that I have to go to school. I know, suck it up! I'm almost done.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Radiation
This has been such a frustrating word to me. It means the end of my cancer treatment but it has been so long in coming and there has been so much drama and energy wasted. Today I had my first of 33 sessions. Of course they don't tell you in advance that the first session is spent doing xrays and making sure everything is lined up. An hour later I was finally out of there. I was asked, however, to make sure I was there a little early in the morning so they could get me right in. My appointment today was at 8:00 and I was there at 7:49. I asked how much earlier they wanted me to be there and they said, "Oh by 7:45 would be good." OKAY!!! I don't see what difference 4 minutes is going to make but in the morning I will be there by 7:35. I tend to arrive 10 minutes early for appointments like this (at least).
Otherwise, what can I say about radiation. There is a lot of pushing and pulling and positioning. There is rolling and poking and adjusting. This is the one time I was told to put the johnny on the right way (with the opening in the back). I, of course, have been instructed for the past year to leave it open in the front so that is what I did, only to be told that the opening can be in the back for radiation so I "will be more comfortable." These are the little annoyances that make me flustered.
To top it off, there is concern about swelling in my breast. They had to do xrays twice because "the inferior portion keeps moving". I guess my breasts are breathing now. Whatever. I will not be a happy camper if they tell me that I have to wait until the swelling goes down in order to receive the radiation. Just get it done already! For today, 1 down, 32 to go. More to follow.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
Otherwise, what can I say about radiation. There is a lot of pushing and pulling and positioning. There is rolling and poking and adjusting. This is the one time I was told to put the johnny on the right way (with the opening in the back). I, of course, have been instructed for the past year to leave it open in the front so that is what I did, only to be told that the opening can be in the back for radiation so I "will be more comfortable." These are the little annoyances that make me flustered.
To top it off, there is concern about swelling in my breast. They had to do xrays twice because "the inferior portion keeps moving". I guess my breasts are breathing now. Whatever. I will not be a happy camper if they tell me that I have to wait until the swelling goes down in order to receive the radiation. Just get it done already! For today, 1 down, 32 to go. More to follow.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
The end begins
Wow, that sounds so apocolyptic! Actually it's a good thing. My radiation appointments have been scheduled, mapping is done, and I am all set to begin the last step on this journey (I am not including continued wound healing in this.) Appointments start Wednesday and end on March 5th. It will be almost exactly a year since I had been diagnosed. I cannot think of a better way to end a journey than by making a complete circle back to good health!
School has started once again. The online course, so far, has been okay. Everyone seems so young in the class though so I am feeling a bit like the old timer. I am not jumping to judgment yet though. I will give it another week or so before I drag out the walker. My second course starts tomorrow. I am anxious about how I will handle both courses, working part time, and getting radiation. The first thing to go, of course, will be work. I need to invest my effort in getting well first and completing my degree second. Both are SO CLOSE.
The family is well. Auntie is back at home and so far today everything has been quiet. I have not heard from anyone else so I am going to assume that all is well with them also. Emily did come home sick today and I had to "force" chicken soup on her. I use the word force because that is the one thing that she has never given me trouble about eating. She actually asked me to make it for her so of course I did. The funny thing is that she has a tummyache so I am not quite sure what the chicken soup is going to do. Usually that is for colds or the flu but I am told it cures everything so will just have to wait and see.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
School has started once again. The online course, so far, has been okay. Everyone seems so young in the class though so I am feeling a bit like the old timer. I am not jumping to judgment yet though. I will give it another week or so before I drag out the walker. My second course starts tomorrow. I am anxious about how I will handle both courses, working part time, and getting radiation. The first thing to go, of course, will be work. I need to invest my effort in getting well first and completing my degree second. Both are SO CLOSE.
The family is well. Auntie is back at home and so far today everything has been quiet. I have not heard from anyone else so I am going to assume that all is well with them also. Emily did come home sick today and I had to "force" chicken soup on her. I use the word force because that is the one thing that she has never given me trouble about eating. She actually asked me to make it for her so of course I did. The funny thing is that she has a tummyache so I am not quite sure what the chicken soup is going to do. Usually that is for colds or the flu but I am told it cures everything so will just have to wait and see.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
Monday, January 9, 2012
Finally...
I can FINALLY start radiation next week. I met with my new physician this morning and she tells me that I am healthy, young, and my tissue looks good. There are risks, of course, but I can finally start the final stage of this journey. I have not been so happy to have news in such a very long time. Six weeks will fly by I am sure.
I noticed the other day the robins are back already. I thought they might be just a few lost birds but I saw more today. The squirrels are out and playing too. Is it possible that spring might just come early this year?!
School starts today too. I am doing an online course and am taking one in Manchester. That starts tomorrow. Break time is over and it is time to get organized and focused. I am looking forward to this journey being over too. After these two classes I only have three left and then my internship. I will graduate in January with my masters and will probably never have another day off again.
Life is good.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
I noticed the other day the robins are back already. I thought they might be just a few lost birds but I saw more today. The squirrels are out and playing too. Is it possible that spring might just come early this year?!
School starts today too. I am doing an online course and am taking one in Manchester. That starts tomorrow. Break time is over and it is time to get organized and focused. I am looking forward to this journey being over too. After these two classes I only have three left and then my internship. I will graduate in January with my masters and will probably never have another day off again.
Life is good.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
Saturday, January 7, 2012
One week down
It is amazing to think that one week of this year is gone already. I did not end up working at any school this week but was kept busy by my aunt who is going crazy in rehab. She is so ready to go home and luckily will be next week. All I have to do is make it through Tuesday and all should return to seminormal in that realm of my life.
I had a great visit to the wound clinic this week. My wound has decreased from 8 cm to 6 cm and the width is much narrower. It appears the new dressing is working well. I am adding to that the fact that I have added massage techniques and meditation in an effort to bring the best results. I meet with my new radiation oncologist on Monday and hopefully she will tell me that we can go forward with radiation. That will be the best possible outcome in my mind since that is the last portion of the cancer treatment. Although the wound will not heal during radiation I can certainly focus on maintaining gains and preventing infection while radiation progresses. I think it is possible that some additional healing could occur in the initial portion of radiation and that will be the focus of my meditations.
This week promises to be very busy. I have the doctor appointment on Monday in addition to my transcription work. Monday night is going to be my "night off," although I do start an online course that night. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday I am hoping to be working in one school or another. Tuesday night my classes start again in Manchester. That also happens to be the day my aunt is being discharged. I will have to stay super organized in order to make time my friend that day. I will just put my mind in the right place and believe that all will work out the way it is supposed to.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
I had a great visit to the wound clinic this week. My wound has decreased from 8 cm to 6 cm and the width is much narrower. It appears the new dressing is working well. I am adding to that the fact that I have added massage techniques and meditation in an effort to bring the best results. I meet with my new radiation oncologist on Monday and hopefully she will tell me that we can go forward with radiation. That will be the best possible outcome in my mind since that is the last portion of the cancer treatment. Although the wound will not heal during radiation I can certainly focus on maintaining gains and preventing infection while radiation progresses. I think it is possible that some additional healing could occur in the initial portion of radiation and that will be the focus of my meditations.
This week promises to be very busy. I have the doctor appointment on Monday in addition to my transcription work. Monday night is going to be my "night off," although I do start an online course that night. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday I am hoping to be working in one school or another. Tuesday night my classes start again in Manchester. That also happens to be the day my aunt is being discharged. I will have to stay super organized in order to make time my friend that day. I will just put my mind in the right place and believe that all will work out the way it is supposed to.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
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