I feel badly today about so many different things. I wish I had been able to give my children the life that they really wanted. It makes a parent sad to think their child is so unhappy that they would prefer to be anywhere else (including dead) than to be in the place where they are. I never understood the concept of suicide. I see it as an extremely selfish gesture that only hurts the ones left behind but I guess I can grasp the concept of hurting so much inside that you just want the pain to be gone. No, no one has committed suicide, but my younger daughter throws it into conversation (arguments) from time to time in an effort to get a reaction. Therapists have told us she is only threatening and has no real plan or desire, so not to worry. Easier said than done. Perhaps homicide would be more to her liking?! Just kidding. It does cross my mind on occasion though that in her fits of rage she might actually try to hurt one of us. It is a tough thing to deal with and it gets old trying to figure out the next move.
Know what else gets old...listening to people tell the same stories over and over again. You would think that once a reaction is noted you would not need to keep going back and looking for a different one. First reactions are often the most genuine and accurate, but not always. I would think that after the tenth or twentieth times though when the reaction did not change the stories could be put to bed. No one particular in mind on this one, of course. There are actually so many repeaters that I have lost count.
And another thing...it gets old really quick to have a routine in place and a method for accomplishing things that has not changed but that some people just never seem to grasp (i.e., the calender on the wall for those concerned) or the fact that I will not answer the phone until I see who is calling. It amazes me the number of times I just get to my cell phone when my husband will hang up and call the house phone, which leaves me running for yet another phone. Gee whiz! And if you know I am home, don't leave a message because I will just call you right back. Leaving a message means that when you call me back in a minute, and you know you will, I will be retrieving the voice mail. Silly, silly, silly!
It might seem that I am a little crabby today but really I am not. I was just thinking about thinks that make me twitch -- you know, pet peeves. I thought I would get a couple down before I move on with my life. I actually have to get ready for class tonight. I wanted to get my philosophy statement done before I leave and perhaps figure out the wiki assignments I need to do (for both classes). I would also like to gather my questions for my research paper before I see my dad on Friday. I would like to get writing so I can check those off my list. SO much to do in so little time.
One more it gets old... treating cancer. That gets old really quickly, especially when there is no real progress to note. The tumor is "gone." There are two infusion treatments left including this one this week and then we move to surgery. I will know in a couple of weeks when surgery will be scheduled. After that I will begin to contemplate radiation. I am tired. I am tired of talking about cancer. I am tired of traveling to Boston to get treatment. I am tired of getting treatment. I am tired of not feeling well afterwards and having to lay around the house a lot of the time because I have no energy. I am tired of being in the dark because it is too hot to be outside so I am inside with the curtains drawn. I am tired of not tasting food and having a dry mouth from my medications. I am certainly tired of being bald and bloated. Yes, I think treating cancer is what I would say gets old the fastest!
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
No comments:
Post a Comment