I am so happy to be finished with cancer and treatment, having moved on to follow-up at this point. That being said, my friend and neighbor has just been diagnosed with glioblastoma and had surgery last week to remove the tumor. I should be completely there for her, being so recently in her shoes. However, I find myself standing back, not quite sure what to say. I am better, healthy -- she is not. I understand the cancer, how scary it can be and how devastating it will be to her family. I understand the treatment and the feelings she is going to have along the away. I cannot understand the terminal diagnosis and how to react to the fact that I am a survivor and she is not likely to be so. Yes I know my cancer can return and I may find myself in her shoes in the future. Right now she is at the beginning of her journey, but the prognosis is not as favorable. They got as much of the tumor as they could at surgery but with glioblastoma there is a high recurrence rate and a high likelihood that what was not found will return soon, stronger than before. Radiation and chemo will help somewhat but the outcome is not expected to be sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with hubby watching the grandkids play in the yard. It is that that keeps me distant. My heart breaks at the thought of her missing out on that. Her children need to know what is in her heart and I am not sure she can offer that to them. She just stopped by to return a dish and we chatted for a while. She knows I am here and that I can certainly understand better than most what she is going through. She knows I will help in any way I can, but I'm not sure that when the time comes I will be as helpful as I hope I can be. We will have to see.
This, of course, brings back the question of WHY? Why is there so much incidence of cancer in this neighborhood? Why does cancer touch the people it does? Why is is so frightening to think of passing on when I know there is peace and love waiting on the other side. Why do I think that I am so necessary here when other plans might be in place. I think the same for my friend. Why her? Her children need her more than mine need me (at the moment). I realize needs comes and goes and that our families NEED us but there are times of greater need and right now her children are in a time of GREAT NEED. Mine would survive without me. Back to why...why can't I be more there for her? Why do I think she would want me to be? She has so many around her who know her better and love her better and can offer so much more...how egotistical of me to think I should be able to help more. There we go...that is it right there. My ego is too big. I am here when needed and out of the way otherwise. ;~) I feel better now.
As for my own stuff, school is a drag. I have two classes right now that have little or nothing to do with teaching. It is all legal and ethical crap and, although I understand that I have to know what will get me into trouble and how I can avoid it, it is a total snoozefest! The books are hard to read with all the legal mumbojumbo and the teachers are SO into legal precedence. AHHHHHH, shoot me now! I am so dreading the assessments which are likely to include identifying and commenting on legal case studies and the like. I can do this...I can do this...I can do this...
Today is far too beautiful to worry about such things. I want to be in my gardens saying hello to the flowers. First, however, I must do my transcription. The closest I get to outside until it is done is having the windows and front door open. Breathe deep...
Enjoying life!
Kim :)
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