Sometimes I am glad it is just me and the dog and the cats. Hubby went back to work today and the kids are at school. I can think without worrying about who is watching me and worrying about what I'm thinking. I know that I have told everyone not to worry about me and that worry is a negative emotion, which just takes away from the positive energy I need, but sometimes that is hard for me to do myself. I worry about words like "invasive" and "aggressive" and "triple negative". You would think "small cell" would make me feel a little better but I know from experience that is not the kind of cancer you want to get (not that you want to get any kind actually). It's not the worst and can certainly be "cured" but still I would prefer not to have cancer, thank you!!
Invasive means the tumor has an opening and cells can escape. Then kill the damned thing right now! I certainly don't want cancer cells traveling free will through my body. Aggressive means the cancer grows quickly...but it also means we will hit this with everything there is available. Great, but will it be enough?! Let's hope. Triple negative means there is nothing hormonally that will affect it. Chemo is the only thing that has a chance. I didn't even ask, now that I think about it, what that chance was. The doctors all sounded positive and I know they are going to throw a ton of chemo drugs at it. We are even doing chemo first to have the best chance of killing all the cancer cells -- 20 weeks to boot. That doesn't seem too long, until you think about it being almost fall before I am done. Anyone want my pool? -- I'm probably not going to be using it this summer and I am certainly not going to have the energy to clean it every day. Small cell appears to mean aggressively growing and hard to stop, but not unbeatable.
Today it rained. My mood matched. I feel cold and raw and just miserable. The alone time allowed me to wander the house and complete tasks that should not be left undone. I read articles on line about cancers and worried a little. What if this really is not the primary and it did come from my lungs or somewhere else? What if it is not the only cancer in my body? I can only hope that I will be enrolled in the study and that all the tests will help confirm what the doctors seem to feel so confident about. This is triple-negative, aggressively forming, invasive small cell breast cancer and with chemotherapy, surgery, and radiation therapy the outcome will be good. I trust them. They are the experts.
I trust God more and know that he will guide me through this.
Keeping the faith! :)
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