I thought hearing the words "cancer free" would end this journey for me emotionally. Unfortunately I am not superwoman, superwife, or supermom. My body is human and I must respect the limitations it has. I developed a major infection in my lumpectomy wound and required incision and drainage (another surgery). Since then I have had to have VNA come into my home on a daily basis to change the bandages. I have two drains in the wounds that continue to leak fluid. I have never seen anything as disgusting as this. I cannot even look at it without getting the dry heaves -- which is why I am a teacher and not a nurse. Still, healing is occurring and things look better than they did a week ago. I am certainly more comfortable and there are no signs of infection at this time. Thank God!!!
It is funny how long this journey has been. I expected once I hopped on treatment that time would fly by and then it would be over. It appears that this is going to be a bit longer than I anticipated. My 2011 will be gone before I am healed. Radiation will likely need to be put off a couple of weeks, which brings the end of that to December rather than November. Hopefully no further surgeries will be required and the drains will do the jobs, allowing the abscess to close and heal completely. What an idiot I was for thinking that I could hop back into my life as before with no concerns about what I had been through.
I am sad too. I have not been able to work in almost six months. It appears I will not be able to work for at least another two months, maybe three. I am grateful that I have my transcription to fall back on so I have at least a little money coming in to pay my bills. I don't know where I would be if I didn't have at least that. I miss being in the classroom. I miss interacting with the kids. I miss exchanging ideas with the teachers and learning new strategies. Patience is the only hope at this point. I know there is a plan. I must simply be patient while it plays out.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Some thoughts about recent events
I have had my first official "set-back" and I am glad it happened. It is so easy once you have been given the no cancer label to try to jump back into your old life and expect to be able to do everything, as before. This is not the case. I forgot that just because I am cancer free it does not mean I did not have cancer. I still have to allow myself to heal so that I can be healthy once more. Needless to say I forgot this and developed an infection, a bad one from what they tell me. I had to be admitted to the hospital and have another surgery to drain the abscess that had developed. I was less than thrilled about the prospect of having to put my life on hold once again for this demon called cancer. Luckily the surgery went well and things are draining nicely (it's disgusting to look at but as long as it works). I had to spend a couple of days in bed contemplating my situation. The reality at this point is that I cannot do everything I want to do. I cannot lift laundry baskets just because they are there. I have to rely on others and if something doesn't get done when I want it to then that is just the way it is going to be!
I am questioning my faith in those around me too. Just because I feel particularly strongly about something doesn't mean that you shouldn't do what you think is right. Should we have had dinner for the family last night just because I insisted or should those around me have said NO because it would be in my best interest? I am unsure. Anyway, we did have dinner and now there is a huge mess staring me in the face that I cannot do anything about. It creates a little anxiety.
Finally, school. I missed school this week. I have never missed school for anything, even when I was completely exhausted and feeling nauseous. I made this decision, though, that I need to rest and traveling an hour to and from school was not in my best interest. I had enough trouble driving into Plaistow this morning to get my antibiotics. I am going to try to stop and think before I do anything and make sure that it is really as important as I think it is. I certainly do NOT want to end up back in the hospital because I was too stubborn to put myself first.
Keeping the faith!
Kim :~)
I am questioning my faith in those around me too. Just because I feel particularly strongly about something doesn't mean that you shouldn't do what you think is right. Should we have had dinner for the family last night just because I insisted or should those around me have said NO because it would be in my best interest? I am unsure. Anyway, we did have dinner and now there is a huge mess staring me in the face that I cannot do anything about. It creates a little anxiety.
Finally, school. I missed school this week. I have never missed school for anything, even when I was completely exhausted and feeling nauseous. I made this decision, though, that I need to rest and traveling an hour to and from school was not in my best interest. I had enough trouble driving into Plaistow this morning to get my antibiotics. I am going to try to stop and think before I do anything and make sure that it is really as important as I think it is. I certainly do NOT want to end up back in the hospital because I was too stubborn to put myself first.
Keeping the faith!
Kim :~)
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Went camping again last night
Today I am tired. Last night we went up to camp and spent the night with Steve's brother and family. We were up until midnight, which for us is like missing two nights of sleep. (We aren't as young as we used to be. We aren't eating dinner at 4:30 yet, but we're not too far off!) We left the girls home alone and went away. This I would say is progress.
Let me tell you about the night. First we are now at mid-September. Mentally we are preparing for our long haul into winter. I have made our first purchase of winter pellets for heating and have sparked up the pellet stove to make sure no repairs are needed before it is needed. I was very impressed with the 6-degree climb in temperature in an hour, although Steve cautions me that this is "normal" when the temperatures are not that cold. Whatever...I was excited. We have had beautiful weekends lately, or weekends that were totally rained out and miserable. THIS weekend we had our first overnight dips in temperature to below 40 degrees here in Newton. We were in Sanbornton, which is in the Lakes Region of New Hampshire. What this means is that temperatures as a rule are 5 to 10 degrees cooler. Needless to say, we cuddled for warmth overnight. I woke up in the wee hours of the morning praying to make it through to daylight and cuddled closer to hubby for added warmth. We survived the cold night and woke to light the fire for our guests and began making breakfast. That's one cold night under the belt! We were supposed to stay tonight too, but we came home early. Seriously, you can only prepare for winter's coming so fast.
Anyway, we are home now and I would like to get some work done. First, of course, I need to check e-mail, check in on Facebook, post a blog, and mentally prepare to invest the next three to four hours inserting test results into psychological reports. Life sometimes is just way too exciting for me to deal with. No, I have not forgotten about my cancer battle but since I have won the status of cancer free I felt I could spend a little time not focusing on it. The bald head sometimes makes that difficult but I am certainly getting there. I had an amazing night out with my husband and our guests. We got to have two dinners out this weekend so far and reality has to hit eventually, right. I have one more e-mail account to check and then I will get onto my responsibilities. But, then again, it is getting on towards evening and I do have to think about what I will be making for dinner. The sun is going down and the temperature is dropping again (I have the goosebumps to prove it!) so I might, just might, find myself way too distracted to get much done this evening. Who knows?!
Thanks to Steve, Glen, Jessica, Owen, Devin, Tyler, and Kayleigh for such an awesome break from reality!
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
Let me tell you about the night. First we are now at mid-September. Mentally we are preparing for our long haul into winter. I have made our first purchase of winter pellets for heating and have sparked up the pellet stove to make sure no repairs are needed before it is needed. I was very impressed with the 6-degree climb in temperature in an hour, although Steve cautions me that this is "normal" when the temperatures are not that cold. Whatever...I was excited. We have had beautiful weekends lately, or weekends that were totally rained out and miserable. THIS weekend we had our first overnight dips in temperature to below 40 degrees here in Newton. We were in Sanbornton, which is in the Lakes Region of New Hampshire. What this means is that temperatures as a rule are 5 to 10 degrees cooler. Needless to say, we cuddled for warmth overnight. I woke up in the wee hours of the morning praying to make it through to daylight and cuddled closer to hubby for added warmth. We survived the cold night and woke to light the fire for our guests and began making breakfast. That's one cold night under the belt! We were supposed to stay tonight too, but we came home early. Seriously, you can only prepare for winter's coming so fast.
Anyway, we are home now and I would like to get some work done. First, of course, I need to check e-mail, check in on Facebook, post a blog, and mentally prepare to invest the next three to four hours inserting test results into psychological reports. Life sometimes is just way too exciting for me to deal with. No, I have not forgotten about my cancer battle but since I have won the status of cancer free I felt I could spend a little time not focusing on it. The bald head sometimes makes that difficult but I am certainly getting there. I had an amazing night out with my husband and our guests. We got to have two dinners out this weekend so far and reality has to hit eventually, right. I have one more e-mail account to check and then I will get onto my responsibilities. But, then again, it is getting on towards evening and I do have to think about what I will be making for dinner. The sun is going down and the temperature is dropping again (I have the goosebumps to prove it!) so I might, just might, find myself way too distracted to get much done this evening. Who knows?!
Thanks to Steve, Glen, Jessica, Owen, Devin, Tyler, and Kayleigh for such an awesome break from reality!
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Not sure what to do now
Okay, so now the cancer is gone. My surgeon is delighted. I am beside myself with you. Everyone has sent along congratulations and best wishes. Now I am at a loss... I have been fighting this battle for seven months now. I still have pain from surgery. The scars are there and will be always. I have it in my head that I am battling cancer, but the battle is over. What do I do with myself? Okay, so the battle is not completely over. I still have to get clearance from my oncologist, whom I will see tomorrow, and I need to complete radiation. When exactly do I start thinking like a "normal" person again and not constantly worrying about the next doctor visit or test result. Will normal ever really be normal?
I was at DF yesterday to see my surgeon. I drove myself into the hospital. As I was waiting for the elevator a woman came in who was obviously very anxious and agitated along with a friend (who had obviously driven and was there for support). They chatted back and forth while waiting for the elevator about how they weren't sure where they were going. I asked and apparently she was there to register so I directed her and offered support. It was strange, like a full-circle moment.
As for now, I continue to work on my transcription and hope to get a phone call to sub at a school. I did get a call yesterday (while I was in Boston) but I know that it is still early. I am sure that before long I will be focused on subbing and getting back to work, as well as back to school, and I will think less and less about my diagnosis and treatment and will focus on the future. For now I feel like I am in limbo and not sure which way to turn. Just for now I am going to focus on the good results treatment has given me and how happy I am that I will have a future with my family.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
I was at DF yesterday to see my surgeon. I drove myself into the hospital. As I was waiting for the elevator a woman came in who was obviously very anxious and agitated along with a friend (who had obviously driven and was there for support). They chatted back and forth while waiting for the elevator about how they weren't sure where they were going. I asked and apparently she was there to register so I directed her and offered support. It was strange, like a full-circle moment.
As for now, I continue to work on my transcription and hope to get a phone call to sub at a school. I did get a call yesterday (while I was in Boston) but I know that it is still early. I am sure that before long I will be focused on subbing and getting back to work, as well as back to school, and I will think less and less about my diagnosis and treatment and will focus on the future. For now I feel like I am in limbo and not sure which way to turn. Just for now I am going to focus on the good results treatment has given me and how happy I am that I will have a future with my family.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
Monday, September 12, 2011
Surgery results are in...
There is NO EVIDENCE OF CANCER! This is amazingly awesome news for me!
I have been busy making phone calls and letting loved ones know the great news. I still have to have radiation (for insurance regarding recurrence) but I will take each dose with the assurance that I am that much closer to getting back to my new normal life. I have much to be grateful for and I have much goodness to spread. I am not sure what is coming in the future but I certainly know that I have an new appreciation for living in the moment and enjoying it for what it is. New challenges are on the horizon and hopefully I will be able to practice patience as they unfold.
My kids are healthy. My husband is healthy. My pets are healthy. I am healthy. Today was a beautiful day and tomorrow promises to be even better. Although winter is coming quickly I think I will welcome it with relish this year. I am definitely going to be looking for those snowshoes I have been putting off getting for about five years now. It is something I have always wanted to do and I certainly am not going to put it off any longer. Who knows how long I (or any of us really) have to put things off. No more excuses!
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
I have been busy making phone calls and letting loved ones know the great news. I still have to have radiation (for insurance regarding recurrence) but I will take each dose with the assurance that I am that much closer to getting back to my new normal life. I have much to be grateful for and I have much goodness to spread. I am not sure what is coming in the future but I certainly know that I have an new appreciation for living in the moment and enjoying it for what it is. New challenges are on the horizon and hopefully I will be able to practice patience as they unfold.
My kids are healthy. My husband is healthy. My pets are healthy. I am healthy. Today was a beautiful day and tomorrow promises to be even better. Although winter is coming quickly I think I will welcome it with relish this year. I am definitely going to be looking for those snowshoes I have been putting off getting for about five years now. It is something I have always wanted to do and I certainly am not going to put it off any longer. Who knows how long I (or any of us really) have to put things off. No more excuses!
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
9/6/2011
This is a day to remember! Emily got her license today and has started driving on her own. I am very proud of her and also terrified. She is a good driver but can be a bit impulsive and sometimes overly cautious. It will be interesting to see how things go in the next few weeks!
As for me, it has been a long day. The feel of fall is in the air. It has been rainy and cool all day and the whole day started with Emily's trip to the DMV. We then went to lunch to celebrate her success and then I came home and got right to work! I feel like I have been on the keyboard all day, but everything is done now. I just have to send it on it's way.
It has been one week since surgery. I, once again, have been extremely lucky. I felt almost normal right from the start of my postop period. I have had very little pain and there has been no complications with the incisions. Today, however, I have had some pain. I took my Tylenol and moved on with my life but I am definitely aware that something is different in my arm and breast. Everything looks normal but it is a little tender when I move. The Steri-strips are starting to fall off and I am getting a look at the incisions. They look like typical healing surgical incision marks. Nothing special. I have one more week before I have to return to Boston for postop checkups. I am looking forward to these since that means the bandages will be off and I will be able to take a bath once again. I like showers but I LOVE baths.
More later...
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
As for me, it has been a long day. The feel of fall is in the air. It has been rainy and cool all day and the whole day started with Emily's trip to the DMV. We then went to lunch to celebrate her success and then I came home and got right to work! I feel like I have been on the keyboard all day, but everything is done now. I just have to send it on it's way.
It has been one week since surgery. I, once again, have been extremely lucky. I felt almost normal right from the start of my postop period. I have had very little pain and there has been no complications with the incisions. Today, however, I have had some pain. I took my Tylenol and moved on with my life but I am definitely aware that something is different in my arm and breast. Everything looks normal but it is a little tender when I move. The Steri-strips are starting to fall off and I am getting a look at the incisions. They look like typical healing surgical incision marks. Nothing special. I have one more week before I have to return to Boston for postop checkups. I am looking forward to these since that means the bandages will be off and I will be able to take a bath once again. I like showers but I LOVE baths.
More later...
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Saturday again
My life is so routine! All week I get up at 5:00 to walk the dog and get the hubby off to work, following which I settle on the couch and go back to sleep for a couple of hours. I do transcription on Monday, Thursday, and Saturday unless I have something exciting planned for the weekend. Every Saturday I spend the morning working and then we go back and forth for the rest of the weekend about what we want to get involved in. Today is no exception. Actually, Steve got up early this morning to take the car to the dealership so that he could get it checked. Now he is working on the other car trying to get that fixed. Will the excitement ever end? As for me, I have done my work. I have Facebooked friends. Now I blog.
What I would like to do today is hop in the car and find some place to take a nice hike, or go to the beach and watch the waves come in. I don't want to clean my house. I do NOT want to scrub the bathrooms again this weekend. I do not want to do laundry. I want to go out and enjoy a weekend, somehow.
School is done for a couple of weeks. (Got As in both the classes I just finished). I ordered my books yesterday and now must wait for the new classes to start. Lauren goes back to classes next week. I don't start until the 19th. It seems like a long time from now. I guess the best thing I could do is to enjoy the break and get myself ready for the winter commuting that is going to come way sooner than we want it to. Maybe I will talk Steve into taking the convertible out today, providing he drives. I can handle the automatics right now, even though sometimes that hurts too, but I know I cannot drive the standard. Hopefully next time I blog I will have something exciting to share.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
What I would like to do today is hop in the car and find some place to take a nice hike, or go to the beach and watch the waves come in. I don't want to clean my house. I do NOT want to scrub the bathrooms again this weekend. I do not want to do laundry. I want to go out and enjoy a weekend, somehow.
School is done for a couple of weeks. (Got As in both the classes I just finished). I ordered my books yesterday and now must wait for the new classes to start. Lauren goes back to classes next week. I don't start until the 19th. It seems like a long time from now. I guess the best thing I could do is to enjoy the break and get myself ready for the winter commuting that is going to come way sooner than we want it to. Maybe I will talk Steve into taking the convertible out today, providing he drives. I can handle the automatics right now, even though sometimes that hurts too, but I know I cannot drive the standard. Hopefully next time I blog I will have something exciting to share.
Keeping the faith! :~)
Kim
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